Hi everyone, i am new here, and just found out about this forum this morning while searching stillbirth support, so i am not sure what to expect here, i have been lurking for a few hours, so i thought its time for me to have a say...
My name is Jessica,i am 23yrs old from Melbourne,Australia, and i had my stillborn son Roman, on 3rd May 2009, this is very difficult for me to post, as i havent really gone into much detail about this before, and how i have been feeling, i havent gone for counselling and groups yet, as i dont think i can handle talking about it in person and its much easier through the computer.
I was looking forward to having my son, me and my man had been worrying about having children as i have PCOS and have been told i couldnt have children naturally or that id need some help trying...Roman was our miracle baby, as he was natural and made out of love, i also conceived him close to my mans birthday so it was very exciting when we had found out this, we told all family around 12weeks, but his mum found out around 10weeks due to a fever i had.
I had known since 8wks6days,my family doctor sent off a referral to the hospital at this time, i had an ultrasound around then and everything was going great, he had a strong heartbeat and the guy said "terrific heartbeat" and i was relieved he was where he was suppose to be and that there was a heartbeat, so for awhile that eased my worries.
I had my 12week ultrasound to check for abnormalities and such, everything was fine, i had nothing to worry about, he was so cute! had all the features that was supposed to be there and his heartbeat was still strong! it was amazing seeing him.
At 13weeks, i had a little bleed, it was only a one off, but i stayed in hospital for 15hrs just so i could get a ultrasound to confirm that everything was going alright, they didnt know where the bleed was from exactly, but they said it was so minor that it would have been fine, i cried because the bleeding really made me think something happened at this point.. but he was fine, i even had the technician in tears from crying, and what really haunts me today and cant stop reliving is when she says "see, your little one is saying mummy im ok, im here!"
So after this, for awhile we thought we were invincible, that nothing would go wrong...
Now heres what angers me about it all and i do blame myself...
i had known about my pregnancy since 8weeks6days,
My family doctor sent a referral to the hospital, and i didn't get a first appointment till 19weeks, this was my first,so i just assumed that i could wait it out, and was not told that i could make an earlier app or anything,
(Yes i had 3 ultrasounds, 2 under my family doctor and 1 emergency one that i mentioned, but i had not had a midwife/ob yet...)
that same week i had that first app was the same week i went into labor, and that week i had just got a sugar lvl test which confirmed a reading of 9.5 which is high and i was going to do the 2hr test the following tuesday,
But i went into labor on the friday so never made it to that, which i feel, this could have been prevented if i was able to get an app sooner, which i believe my sugar lvls would have been known about & controlled, i find out the cause in a week, and im not looking forward to it, especially if it was because of gestational diabetes or something...
I do blame myself for not finding out if i could have got an earlier app, but because i didnt think this would happen to me, i thought i could wait out till 19weeks for my first app, like they required... well obviously i didnt
I still have thoughts that "if this sugar lvl had been detected sooner maybe my water may have not broke, and my lvls would have been controlled"
I also go back to waiting in the ER to get seen and then my waters broke and i went into a panic and how the stupid triage nurse said "go to the toilet" pfft as if i would have let this happen on the toilet, i still think what an insensitive b****!
It really does anger me, that i wasnt seen sooner, as im sure its vital to get seen before 19weeks but i honestly thought i would be fine, that i could wait for the app... i cant believe i was so stupid!
I really think the cause was gestational diabetes, and if i hear that nxt week i will be angry!
I am also going to tell the doctor that i wasnt happy with a 19week first app and that for my next pregnancy (whenever that is) that i get faster and better service!!
The other thing that bothers me is...
the fact that after i went into labor, i was only checked once for dilation and never told or checked up on how dilated i was after that, and because i didnt have contractions i didnt know when to push or if he was coming out,
why didnt i get checked if i was dilated often?
its like to them "oh its only 20weeks gestation, the child is not going to survive anyway, so it doesnt matter when shes dilated or when he comes out" thats how it feels, and they did keep mentioning frequently "remember, when he has been born, theres nothing we can do, even if he tries to take a breath, we cant do anything, because hes lungs are underdeveloped and nothing will work, not even resuscitation"
saying it as if i would ask them to help him... like im dumb... of course i knew he wouldnt survive, but the fact that i feel they had the vibe "hes going to be dead anyway" made me feel like crap! and made me feel ripped off.
only later on when everything had stopped (over 20hrs later) did i get checked and he had been sitting there for a few hours and i did not know as he was tiny and i had no indication of what to expect since i only just had my first app that week which was just basically forms and quick examination, as you can tell, i dont have other children!
I was devestated when the midwife said "im sorry, but baby is sitting there waiting to come out" and i had to ask her if she was sure because i found it unbelievable, "i could feel some limbs there" she said... that bought me back to reality...
As also i was given hope, that even though my waters had broke, that it could heal and he could survive (make it another 4weeks) if i have complete bedrest and it closes up, (i was told when u leak amniotic fluid, that its like a bath with no plug in.. so more will come.. but if the "plug" is out, then its going to keep flushing out) so i was given some hope that maybe i could make it...
The reason i didnt get an ultrasound, was that my waters broke, late friday night, and they didnt have radiologists to perform an ultrasound during the weekend, so they said "if i make it to Monday, i could see if he is alright" and if he was ok, that i would have hospital bedrest for 4weeks and then be moved to a neonatal hospital for him to survive... but he didnt make it to monday... he was delivered sunday... and i do miss my son, and wish that he was still inside me, growing and alive.
Theres nothing more heartbreaking than having to bury your child, a child that you dont have a long history with, one that you dont know their personality, what could have been... its hard to go and visit him... but i feel really guilty and bad when i dont for more than a week.
I love my son, and even though im angry at the way some things were handled and such... i still see the positive, that he was my miracle and it gives me hope that i can conceive again in the future naturally with my PCOS and that maybe next time i will carry to term a live baby (i am though also scared crapless to be pregnant again as im sure most who have losses are)
I do cherish the fact i did get photos and got to hold him, and the positive is they did treat him like a live newborn, dressed him and everything.. and i got to spend as long as i wanted with him, he was so gorgeous, and perfect, i didnt get an autopsy because i didnt want to put his body through anything else, and he was so perfect i didnt want to ruin anything and imagine what he would be put through, but they are examining the placenta and cord as far as i know.
I also am grateful that in this country, any stillbirth past 20weeks gestation it is compulsory for their birth to be registered, so im lucky to have got a birth certificate and a formal proper burial (as i know many dont get this...)
The nights are the worst for me, and i find it hard to sleep, so im up so much reading stories and such, i do have my man to cry and talk too, but he can only take so much...
I'm sorry that this has been a very long post, but i felt i needed to get this out there!
Thanks for giving me a place to do it and letting me to.
I appreciate any responses and i also feel for everyone woman here who experiences a loss.
Love You Roman, love Mummy xox
Last edited by AngelRomansMum; June 14th, 2009 at 10:41 PM.
Oh my darling I am so sorry... Congratulations on birthing Roman - I am just so sad it was all too soon...
I am glad you have found us here - welcome to BB - you will find many who have also said goodbye (me included) on our wonderful community in here.
Take your time - grief isn't linear - ithas bends, turns. Somedays you will think you are doing well and the next you will crash down. It's all normal.
I do urge you in your time to contact SANDS or SIDS for Kids - both great agencies for helping families through the loss of a much loved baby.
I'm so sorry for everything you and your partner have gone through. I'm sorry Roman came so early, I'm sorry you have to feel this pain. I can't imagine what your going through, but what I do know is that Roman is very lucky to have a mummy like you. And I'm sure he will be with the two of you forever.
Best of luck with with TTC when the time is right.
Last edited by Inanna; June 12th, 2009 at 11:55 PM.
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I am so very sorry for your loss and all that you have been through, no one should have to go through that . Please take care of yourself. I agree with Flowerchild in encouraging you to contact SIDS or SANDS. I lost my daughter 7-mths ago now and while I still have my moments and will never forget her it does get easier with time. I really pray that you are able to conceive another miracle naurally as well when you and your DP are ready. We are here to support you in any way you need, feel free to chat / vent anytime. Take care
thinking of you and your precious son Roman, sending you hugs.
I feel your pain.
My story is in this section: http://forums.bellybelly.com.au/foru...ilda-rose.html
Be kind to yourself, we are here for you if you need us.
My waters also broke a few days before Maddison was born. I have since talked to many doctors and specialist and they have all told me that maybe I could have gone on until 28weeks if I have not got an infections but my out come still would have been the same. Maddison would not have survived. Her lungs could not have developed with out fluid. I felt so guilty for such a long time feeling like I had given up on her by being induced. I know realise 17 weeks down the track. I made the best decision at the time with the information I had.
If you even need some one to talk to Teddy Love Club Inc. - Home - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support
there is a 1800 number and you can talk to Jaylee or Trudi who a both breaved mothers. I have called them so many times and they have always helped me sort things out in my head.
Be kind to yourself.
Rachel
Last edited by Nelle; July 8th, 2009 at 12:25 AM.
: Just editing out signature with ticker :)
Thanks everyone for your kind words, it really does help, reading others stories and seeing pictures of other beautiful angels also helps, thankyou for your story Tracey, i felt very sad for your loss while reading, *hugs*,
i will also be going for the follow up on Wednesday coming up, and i will probably come home and update here with whatever answers i get, i am also wondering if theres certain questions i should ask the doctor i see? is there anything you asked that helped you get answers? I only have a few questions to ask, but im feeling like i need more, but dont know what to ask, some of the questions ive come up with:
(sorry if tmi)
Is everything ok down there?
Am i able to conceive again?
When can we start again? (for future reference)
Will i get better care next time?
Could Roman have survived?
Why was my first app at 19 weeks?
What was the answers to the tests on the placenta/cord?
Did i have gest diabetes?
Whats my sugar levels now?
ask for a full rundown on what happened in detail
ask for a referral to counselling etc..
If you have any great questions i should ask, it would help greatly.
I also got my period the other day, on the 10th June, but im wondering if it is definitely a period, as i bled from 2-3 weeks after birth, and its been a couple of weeks since that stopped, but i wonder if the same bleeding has started again... or if it is def a period, because i have no idea, and i do hope its a period, although atm i hate seeing the sight of blood coming from down there, because i should still be pregnant!
Even though it was bad circumstances, i am glad i found a great support forum online to come to and talk, read and grieve with others
I'm very sorry for all of your losses, and wish i could help you all in some way too xo
Also, Rachel, i had a look at your website for your darling daughter, Maddison, and she was so beautiful! she looks very similar to Roman, so that did help seeing a beautiful girl that lookslike him, you have some very nice photos of her and your family, where did u get some of the name photos done? it looks very creative.
Thanks to everyone again, and i will check back often and read other stories and try and support others.
Its hard seeing other pregnant women and newborns, i guess part of it is jealousy, and i do feel guilty for not being happy for these women, but i just cant handle it, when i see them, i have to walk in another direction/exit the shop etc.. because it really pees me off, and sometimes i feel like why should i have to put up with seeing this when i go out,
i know i cant avoid it, and i know they are just thrilled to be pregnant and having a little one, i dont like the ones that wear very tight clothes though to the point where its way to noticable, and i know its not their fault how i feel and that their just happy to show off their baby bump. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? Even when stupid baby ads/pregnancy come on tv it triggers something, reading the newspaper and magazines i just keep saying "this is rediculous, theres no way to escape it at all!"
I've also had to tell a pregnant friend that i cant be around her or talk to her for a long while, because i cant deal with it, (shes more an acquaintance) i had to tell her over facebook because she was updating news every few minutes on how shes feeling etc.. and that shes finding out the sex soon... and she didnt take it well that i was going to take her off my account for awhile... i feel a little guilty for it but i felt it was right for me to do.
Aswell as this, i really dont like when i see women with their children and their so frustrated with them and disinterested, because i would do anything to be a mum right now, and seeing parents complaining about their children to their friends, it really sends my blood boiling, i know that parenting must be hard and such with little children of course, but i feel some parents really take their children for granted and complain too much, is it wrong to think like that? does anyone else feel this way? like sometimes i feel like telling them what ive been through and that they are lucky to have a happy & healthy kid.
Last edited by AngelRomansMum; June 13th, 2009 at 10:41 AM.
I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious son.. Let me tell you everything you are feeling is completely normal.. It has been 6 months since the death of my twins (24wkers, survived for 12 days) and it's only now I can be in social situations with other mums and bubs without feeling the raw grief and jealousy.. It does get better though with time and talking about it however you feel comfortable will help. I love to talk and will tell anyone who will listen, but my partner prefers not too.. It can be hard, grieving so differently, but I have found so much support on the net and through support meetings.. I would love to write more but I am in a rush, I just couldn't read and run though.. Take care. Also wanted to add you are very brave to tell your story..
Oh sweetie, I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious angel Roman.
I understand all too well your frustration at the hospital not seeing you until 19 weeks. It was the same with me when I was pregnant with Noah. My local hospital wouldn't see me until I was 19 weeks, and the day I was meant to be there seeing them, I was in another hospital 3hrs away being told that my baby wasn't going to live. I was mad as hell at my hospital and my GP for what I thought was a lack of care. I wondered if there was more they could have done for me, and if I could have found out more sooner, but for me that wasn't so.
When I eventually fell pregnant with Harrison 3 months after losing Noah, I decided to go back to the hospital I birthed Noah at, which was about 40kms from where I lived. They saw me from about a week after getting my positive pregnancy test and I went on to have care that I could not fault and in the end I had a forever baby.
It is really hard seeing pregnant people everywhere, there were baby sales on everywhere when I lost Noah, and my sister was also 4 weeks behind me in her pregnancy and carrying a little boy. Most people I told understood my apprehension at being around pregnant women and my sister was fine. When I fell pregnant with Harrison so soon after, it became the norm for me to be around them again as I was pregnant too and that was ok for me then, but it took me close to 2 weeks before I met my nephew as his birth brought home loads of emotions for me.
I am sorry your friend reacted how she did on FB, perhaps it is the best thing for both of you to have some time out.
I hope you get the answers to your questions hun. In the mean time, please ask away in here and feel the love and support many of us have for you. It is a very sad road to travel down, but for me it made it feel a little less rough to know I wasn't travelling alone.
Big hugs
_______________________________________
J- 15 M- 11 H- 2 Noah Thomas - Born an angel, 21 Feb 2006 (20w5d) Little Wing (8w3d)
I am so very sorry for your loss.
I have no advice but I just wanted to offer my support.
I am sickened at the way you were treated whilst birthing your beautiful boy, may he rest in peace and fly with the angels.
xxx
Hi darling,
I am sooo sorry to hear of your loss. I hope that you are taking good care of yourself and taking time to grieve for your beautiful miracle baby.
I lost twins at 26 weeks on March 25th. Please know that all these feelings that you have are very normal.
In terms of support please know that there is so many beautiful groups/people around to take ypur hand on this journey. One of them is BB, they are a beautiful group of women who give invaluable advise and love. I have joined SIDS and Kids and SANDS, both are very welcoming and supporting. So far I have attended a group meeting at each organisation, it has changed my outook on everything, and I would highly recommmend group therapy. Everyone is different of course, and all in your own time. There is never a 'right' time. I attended my first meeting 4 weeks after the event, but I felt like I was ready to open up to this type of support.
At my first meeting, I admit I was terribly nervous and unsure I was actually ready to do this, but once I started telling my story I was immediately welcomed with open arms.
Group therapy is the most amazing experience as you are in a room with others who know exactly how you feel and the depth of your loss.
Please feel free to PM me as I am in Melbourne and more then happy to help in any way I can.
Take care and sending you hugs
I love lighting candles for Maddison and other angel babies.
I think it has helped me with my grieving process.
I think its a great idea to write out all your questions. I did as well.
What are the chances of it happening again? And if so what will happen next time
Can I do any thing different in my next pregnancy.
I found after having Maddison there were so many things that I wish the hospital had done differently. After 2 months I returned to the hospital and spoke to the midwives in the ward where Maddison was born. I told them the good and the bad. They seemed to take it on board and said that unless they are given feedback then they never know if what they are doing is ok. And it is true until you have lost a baby you don't know what is helpful and what is not. I also made a little sign to hang up in the room for future families. http://forums.bellybelly.com.au/foru...ng-advice.html
After doing this I felt I had a lot of closure and was able to move on and just remember Maddison as the beautiful baby that she was with out any negative feelings.
Best of luck. I hope you get the answers you are looking for xx
Last edited by Nelle; July 8th, 2009 at 12:26 AM.
: Just editing out signature with ticker :)
Hi hun,
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, RIP beautiful Roman. Losing a baby this late in pregnancy is so very heart breaking ,I know. I've lost my son at 20 weeks too, he was so perfect and beautiful. I went to my 20 week app. and found out I was having a boy and he was perfect. In a couple of the still pictures he did a 'thumbs up' gesture with his hand and I really thought all would be OK. I was pretty nervous thoughout my pg, so I really thought he was telling me he was OK and not to worry. A few days later I lost him. The 'thumbs up' sign really haunted me for a long time, and now I know he was telling me that he was OK with going to heaven.
I found a lot of support with SANDS as all women there have had late losses and talking openly about your own loss is very beneficial and helpful because these women have been in your shoes and they understand you. I also see a psychologis who has taught me that what happened wasn't my fault (I blamed myself for a lot of things I thought I did wrong like lifting a watering can, vacuuming the house, going for long walks etc). In reality, none of these things contributed to my m/s, I was just looking for something to blame. I now realise what happened was so out of my control. This has helped me to move on.
Having a supportive partner, family and friends is also very beneficial as is this site which has helped me soooooo much (thanks everyone!).
I wish you strength and peace, and thank you for sharing your story. You are a very strong woman, and I've no doubt will get through your loss, although you will never forget your son and your love for him.
You're in my thoughts and prayers. Be gentle with yourself hun.
Beata xxx
Thankyou again for the replys, and sorry for the losses, i wish we all had different outcomes *hugs* xo
I'm glad what im feeling is normal, i know that when i get pregnant again, ill be more aware of others around who may have these same feelings, and if i notice it, i'll understand.
I also hope i get the answers to the questions, but you never know what their going to say, i think im going to feel sick waiting before they call my name out coz i am a very anxious type of person when it comes to results.
Rachel, i think its great that you wrote up a list of things to do for other families!, you are a great inspiration and thinker, i wish all hospitals had that list, and i wish i had done a couple of things on that list..also thanks for the links
Lisa, im also sad that you got a first app at 19wks, its not right to get an app this late, i thought this hospital i went to would have been good because im about 10mins away, they may be local/close but not good quality, im happy to hear with your next pregnancy you got better care!
I'm also glad to hear of good experiences at the group meetings, i dont think im ready for that yet though, but for you that have you are brave and im glad its working for you x
Beata, i understand the blaming completely, because i do question what i could have done different, i am reminded by others theres nothing i could have changed, but i do wonder if i could have got an earlier app and saved him, at 20wks losing hurts so much,because your starting to make plans and getting the attachment with the kicking, and the baby bump just starting to grow, and become noticeable, i feel your pain *hugs*
Thankyou everyone again xx, i will keep updating here as much as i can.
Last edited by AngelRomansMum; June 14th, 2009 at 11:20 PM.
: i like correcting my spelling
I hate to vent in so much anger but i am getting sick of centrelink!!
First it was getting the bereavement forms off the hospital
My boyfriend and I werent told that he couldnt fill in his side of the form
So he did, then centrelink let us know that because we arnt considered partnered
We had to do it again, but they eventually changed their minds and let me cross out
All of my boyfriends side and put my initials, then they said all they need now is my
taxfile number,
ok so i ring the taxfile office about 2weeks ago, they give me a number
I didnt realize at the time it was only 8 numbers, but gave this to centrelink
They then send me a letter requesting the number again, i figured it must be wrong
So i had to ring the taxfile office again (which takes hours every time) and got the missing number,
i then call centrelink again (family assistance office) straight away to give them the correct number they said i could give it by phone, so i did, i asked if i was going to get hassled again or if that is it.. she said you have done everything, thankyou, thats all bye.
NOW today, they have the nerve to call my dad, this morning, to ask him for my taxfile number or to remind me to give it to them WHAT THE ???? i am so seriously P*SSED OFF!!! im SICK of dealing with this crap, i am NOT calling them again and then being hassled and having my dad hassled, i thought i had DONE EVERYTHING THEY NEED!
So my dads going to deal with them tomorrow, and let them know i have already given the number and if they need it, give it again, and that i DONT want to be hassled again.
Also, on the letter they sent me, it says the number needs to be given by the 19th June, if it isnt, then i have to lodge the whole bereavement form allover again, which means finding my midwife to sign it and everything,
so IM HOPING that when my dad does this it gets through, and they DONT need it again, because i am sick of this crap, i have enough emotional crap to deal with right now, and i just want to get the bereavement payments so i can pay for my sons headstone and a little holiday and MOVE FORWARD!!! i'm glad i got this off my mind, but i really am so angry with how long this is taking!!
If they try and hassle me for it again i am going in there and complaining about the whole thing because im not having it again.
Last edited by AngelRomansMum; June 15th, 2009 at 08:21 PM.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you and your partner have to go through this and I hope you are able to lean on one another during this most difficult time.
RIP little angel Roman & may our little ones play together in heaven.
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Congratulations on birthing Roman - I am just so sad it was all too soon...
Noah Thomas - Born an angel, 21 Feb 2006 (20w5d)
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