my story...

[Sally2]

So incredibly sorry for your Gus, I just went and kissed our Charlie's head, but by the Grace it could have been us as he so very nearly came at 23 weeks.....

[dory]

Crumpet - sweet blossom. my heart just aches for you and Shan, but sings with the beauty that is your little man Gus. I agree with blessedatlast - one moment at a time. whatever is manageable for you. Be gentle on yourself and don't put too many expectations on yourself. Grief is a really ravaging journey. Be kind to yourself, be kind to Shan. If you can take time to be together and honour your precious Gus together. Seek help - BB, or support groups, or friends or counseling. If you find yourself in a dark dark lonely place, ask for help from Shan and from a counselor. There are telephone counselling lines - lifeline is 24 hours. But for now, sweet blossom, cry and cry and cry your little heart out. Worry about what comes next later. It doesn't seem like it now, but you will find your own way through this.

When I was reading your story, in an instant I was back experiencing my own journeys. It was curious, that when I read Gus' weight and length I though he was 21 or 22 weeks gestation, and I was right. It's coming up to a year since my Amelia was born in similar circumstances to your Gus. Sometimes I think I have come so far, and at other times not very far at all.

But really, the gut wrenching raw grief does fade, and an enduring sadness starts. As time goes on I am better able to manage how I feel and how I incorporate my feelings and my memories into my life. My babies still mean the world to me, but they are now not the only thing that I think about. I still think about them a lot, and do things to honour their memory each day, but I am not absorbed and consumed by my memories r my grief as I once was. I did a lot of work with a counselor, and she is the most wonderful and amazing person. I felt safe with her, and that was a first. I wish i could give you a solution to ease the pain, but there is none.

But you know, I see the seeds of hope for your healing. You are thankful for Shan, and have positive memories of middies and your ob, and you are lucky enough, that despite how sad it is that Gus came too early, that you have been touched by the wonder of your precious Gus, and of motherhood.

Go gently, one moment at a time.

[GiggleMonkey]

Sam,
I am truely sorry to hear about your loss of little Gus

I have known a couple of close friends go through similar situations, all having a loss at various stages of pregnancy, and all I can say is take things at your own pace and one moment/day/week at a time. You will work out what it is that will best help you through this tough tough time and until then, just be as kind to yourself and DH as you can. You have wonderful support from DH and you likewise are a wonderful support for him.

Please take care.

Sending loads of and your way. xo

[retrogal]

I'm so sorry for your loss

[sryan]

Dear Crumpet,

I am so sorry for your loss. You are an amazing strong woman to have gone through that and I cried tears for your loss of Gus.

Take all the time you need to grieve and I will be thinking of you.

xxx Sue xxx

[crumpet]

thank u everyone.....
wasnt the way i expected my little guy to come but i guess u cant plan these things...

[Ellee05]

I couldn't read this and not leave a post. So sorry to read about your loss and am thinking of you. xx

[Stevie]

i am soo soo sorry for your loss
may your gorgeous angel always watch apon you xxx

[dory]

Crumpet - how are you doing? It's been over a month since I checked in on you.

[Jeslyn]

I'm so very sorry for your loss i hope you find support here on BB, i couldn't imagine loosing a child so far along, Beautiful name may his little soul rest in peace.

[crumpet]

Crumpet - how are you doing? It's been over a month since I checked in on you.

hi dory....

sorry only just saw ur reply......

im going ok thanks!!!
we got him home 2 weeks ago and that was a killer of a day but ive perked back up again and feel like im getting stronger.....

i still have issues seeing people who i havnt seen since it all happened i find i end up a blubbering mess with no control over things, but in myself im feeling better.....

its amazing it only happend 6-7 weeks ago, it feels like months ago, im not sure if thats a good or bad thing??

we have just decided to TTC a borther or sister for Gus so thats keeping my mind on other things.......

hope ur well....

thanks so much for thinking of me!!!

[Tegam]

Congratulations on TTC, I hope baby Gus gives you the strength you will need to go on that journey. Thinking of you!

[dory]

Crumpet - that is awesome! I am so proud of you. It is such a momentus and scary decision to make, to tcc after loss. Go you good thing!

I hear you about giving birth to Gus seems so long ago but so close? It's because you've lived through so many emotions and had to work really really hard.

People don't understand that just getting up in the morning and putting on a load of washing or preparing a meal can be so challenging, let alone facing the world. I remember feeling so terribly disconnected from the world for such a long time. You are doing wonderfully - don't worry about feeling out of control or being upset when you visit with people. I think that's just a part of it, this grief journey. I think in a way you relive a little of your journey each time you see someone new and each time you share part of your journey and each time you decide what to share and what not to share. Sometimes I remember feeling hat my indentity was in grieving and then at other times I didn't want my only identity to be grief. Sometimes it's quite surreal to go into the world, say like a food court and just watch people. They are so unaware of your journey, your pain and your heartache, it's both crushing and liberating at the same time. For us our pain is so real and palpable, it's inconceivable that others can't see it or sense it.

Have you done something speacil at home for Gus?

Hope the TCC journey is a VERY short one for you.

[crumpet]

Congratulations on TTC, I hope baby Gus gives you the strength you will need to go on that journey. Thinking of you!

thanks hun......

Crumpet - that is awesome! I am so proud of you. It is such a momentus and scary decision to make, to tcc after loss. Go you good thing!

I hear you about giving birth to Gus seems so long ago but so close? It's because you've lived through so many emotions and had to work really really hard.

People don't understand that just getting up in the morning and putting on a load of washing or preparing a meal can be so challenging, let alone facing the world. I remember feeling so terribly disconnected from the world for such a long time. You are doing wonderfully - don't worry about feeling out of control or being upset when you visit with people. I think that's just a part of it, this grief journey. I think in a way you relive a little of your journey each time you see someone new and each time you share part of your journey and each time you decide what to share and what not to share. Sometimes I remember feeling hat my indentity was in grieving and then at other times I didn't want my only identity to be grief. Sometimes it's quite surreal to go into the world, say like a food court and just watch people. They are so unaware of your journey, your pain and your heartache, it's both crushing and liberating at the same time. For us our pain is so real and palpable, it's inconceivable that others can't see it or sense it.

Have you done something speacil at home for Gus?

Hope the TCC journey is a VERY short one for you.

thanks dory.......

its slowly getting easier to deal with people....
thanks fully my aunty pretended nothing had happened which is awsome coz i deal with things a lot better that way!

we havnt really done anything special for Gus really, we have his ashes in our room on the dressing table. we are still debating what to do, but im 90% sure we will be keeping him at home with us, i definatly dont want to scatter or bury his ashes so that doesnt leave many more options!!! lol......

thank you so much for keeping up and thinking of me......

hopefully there will be some good news very soon!!!