I can't believe a whole year has passed since we lost our lovely baby. She (we called her She, as df longed for a daughter) was the most amazing thing we could ever have hoped to create. The time I was pregnant was like a dream; for the first time in my life, I was truely in my eliment. Yes, I was terribly naseous, but I was also serenly happy, we both were. But a year ago today, at 8 and a half weeks, we lost our little one, and with her we lost so many of our hopes and dreams. Our dream for our future, together as a family; was shattered. I still think about Her every day. A part of me feels silly to feel so much love and so much pain over such an early loss; the women on here who loose their babies at such a late stage must be the strongest people I know and have ever heard of. It just breaks my heart that our baby was not to be.

In the time since then I've had two more losses, both much earlier. The last time I concieved was six months ago now. In a way I just can't believe that we've been ttc for almost 14 months now Such a long time, worrying and crying and praying for a miricle. I guess I can say that I am lucky to have been pregnant, even for a brief period of time, because there are women who have never experienced that at all, which breaks my heart. I don't know which is worse; concieving and losing your baby or never concieving at all...I guess they are both equally terrible in their own ways.

I don't even know what I am trying to say here...I feel empty and at the same time, filled with so much pain. But I will remember my Darling today with joy and happiness, and try not to dwell on the hurt too much. I don't know what I would do without BB; none of the people we know IRL know we are ttc, and very few know about our 1st m/c, and no one except those on BB know about the other two. It is nice to have a place of warm, unconditional love like BB. I'm going to stop rambling now and try to sleep through all these tears, thankyou so much for reading.