Our Matilda Bear...

[tillygrace]

I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our little Matilda 7 weeks ago. We went to the 20 week scan very excited to find out what we were having only to be told she was measuring 16weeks and 4 days and there was no heart beat. I still can't believe it happened. Its like one huge nightmare. I'm doing lots of crying and I'm finding writing a journal helps. Everyday, I spend time writing to Tilly - its my way of connecting with her and I find that gives me some comfort.
I am thinking of you. 7 weeks on its still really raw but it is getting a little bit easier each day. I'm finding a lot of friends and relatives have stopped calling to see how we are doing- as if enough time has passed to put our loss behind us. It made me feel as if I should be over it and that maybe there's something wrong with me. Its comforting to read and listen to others who have lost a child say that you never ever forget your baby. Things might get easier but they will always be a part of your family. I'm letting the grief train take me where it needs to take me. I'm prepared for a bumpy ride but am hopeful Tilly's death was not in vain and that she was sent for a very special purpose. I will wait patiently to find out how I can use her short little life to make a difference to others.

Facing people is hard at first. I had to go to a little girl's first birthday party the week after I had Tilly. That was so hard and in hindsight I probably shouldn't have gone. Her parents would've understood. Give yourself time and don't feel pressured into doing anything you're not ready for. For the most part, once people know they are very supportive. Eventhough some might say the wrong thing, its often unintentional- they just don't know what to say and end up saying something offensive or hurtful.

I hope today is a good day for you. There's a Dido song called See the Sun and its about grief. I play it when I'm feeling low. On a good day, I know this is true so I make sure I play it on a bad day to help me get through.
There's a line in it that says,
You probably don't want hear tomorrow's another day, but I promise you you'll see the sun again"
I hope the sun is shining on you today
TIlly's mum

Three weeks ago at our 19 week scan... my partner and i were overjoyed to hear our little p-nut was a girl.. the ultrasound lady said that p-nut was small for her age but there was no indication that there was anything wrong except our dates.. given that this pregnancy was planned i knew there was no way this was possible.. in hindsight i wonder if i should have waited two weeks for my OB appt or wether i should have gone to see him earlier.. i cant help wonder if things would have been different...

up until now we had been controlled not to buy too many little things - adamant to wait until we knew wether it would be pink or blue... we only bought the things we knew wouldn't matter.. the car seat, the pram, the bassinet... we were having the backyard finished and the laundry done so the little one would have somewhere to play and somewhere to be washed...

at the OB appt... as soon as the ultrasound machine was turned on i knew something was wrong - p-nuts heart was still strong but there was next to no fluid around her.. he confirmed what i feared and booked me into see a specialist 4 days later.. he told me that there was very little chance that p-nut would be alive at the next scan... i had no idea how to react to this..

my partner was over east having an R&R break before he started his new job.. how was i supposed to tell him this over the phone...the day before he was so excited telling me how he'd bought his little girl a dress for christmas..

last monday we went to the specialist and heard the dreaded words.. i was booked in to the hospital on wednesday the 5th August where i gave birth to our beautiful baby bear... she was so perfect in every way just tiny.. the tiniest little human being i'd ever seen.. so hard to imagine... so hard to believe..

i cry every day and every night... i cant imagine there will be a day where i wont.. but i hope that there will be.. i wish the bleeding would stop and that i could get on with life.. i have no idea how i am going to face anyone.. i dont know why i feel like i have to face anyone...

this was our first pregnancy - i do have an underlying health condition but we didn't realise this could happen so far into the pregnancy.. i want to try again - not sure when.. but i am fearful of having to deal with this again..

RIP my beautiful baby girl... we will always love you...

[robyn123123]

Hi - I am thinking of you both and the pain you are feeling.

I haven't been there, but went thru the heart ache of 5 yrs TTC.

The pain doesn't go away, but time will make it a little easier to deal with.

Keep well and cry as much as you need to.

[lanabear81]

a message to no one in particular....

just sitting in the office... feeling poxy today - needed to say it out loud - using this forum to say it out "loud"

LB

[MsPink]

LanaBear and Tillys Mum - my heart goes out to you both.

I am so sorry for you devastating loss.

I know you'll never forget, but my hope for both of you is that time makes your heart ache less..

Thinking of you both..

[ElleJay]

Oh hun, I am so very sorry for your loss

RIP Matilda Bear

[Footsteps]

im so sorry for your loss huni, take care of yourself xxx

[tillygrace]

Hi Lana
I've just been on Carly's "Name in the sand" page (isn't she inspirational??)and saw Matilda's name. It's a gorgeous picture and I love how you used the song "Halo". That song has been in my head for weeks and I think of my Matilda when I hear it too.
How have you been doing?
Its been 10 weeks for us - still feels like yesterday. I can have really good days then I'll have complete shockers. A friend of mine had a baby girl this week so I went out today to buy her a present. I spent more than I should've but I bought the most gorgeous wrap that I know I would've bought for Tilly. Then of course I get in the car and bawl my eyes out because I want to be buying it for her.
Its like I can tell there's someone physically missing from our family - our family is incomplete without her. I'm really missing her and missing looking forward to being her mum. Its like arranging to meet a friend at a party where you don't know anyone and your friend is late so you look around at everyone in a crowded room and you feel so alone and out of place. That's what it feels like. The whole world is ticking by and my world is out of whack cos my little girl has gone.
I've come to terms with the fact that I will always miss her and there will always be a hole in our family but God it sucks! Its so not fair.
Its not fair we had to lose our babies.
I'm sorry we had to meet in this forum and in such tragic circumstances.
I hope you're having more good days than bad
Hope you're having a better day than I am
XX