I wish I could be posting a birth story with a happy ending, I always wish that. I am sick of being the one people grieve with, and cause unhappiness. But our Poppy was a miracle, despite her short time with us.
We knew Poppy was sick. Her heart was odd, but noone ever said she wouldn't make it. Worse case scenario she would be taken straight to the Children's for a pace maker. We have scans twice a week for the past month and a half. Last Monday, our doctor said it's getting about time for her to be born, before she gets too tired. Wait till Friday: 35 weeks.
We went in for our scan on Thursday, and I just knew something wasn't right. She was hardly moving. We waited for an hour and a half, and I was getting more anxious. The Dr took one look at the scan and said, "On, No..." time to get her out. Her heart was barely beating. It was 11am.
We moved to another room whilst we waited for our OB and the heart specialist to arrive. He tried to explain, "we think there is something else wrong with her heart,". I knew then he expected her to die. My DH kept saying, it's okay. She'll be ok. But I just knew. I handn't felt her move since before the scan.
She was born at 2.12pm on Thursday 15th December. She never cried. The doctors worked on her for almost an hour, placing the pace maker, CPR, breathing tube, but the didn't speak. Eventually they brought her over to us. "We are so sorry. We tried everything. She just can't make her heart beat on it's own."
I'd been waiting for those words, but I still couldn't believe after all we'd been through, we were still not taking our baby home.
At first I didn't want to hold her. But then I saw how beautiful she was, how perfect her little face was. I had to hold her. We hadn't decided on a name yet, we had four to choose from, but as soon as we looked at her we knew she was our Poppy. Our little pink poppet, so pretty, so like her brother but even more perfect. Except she was gone, and I couldn't bring her back.
The midwife, Sally, and the anesthetist and everyone was great. They guided us when we didn't know what to do or what we wanted.
On Friday, the beautiful Mary from pastral care arrived, and she helped us to create a beautiful day of memories with Poppy. Gavin from 'Heartfelt' arrived and took hundreds of photos of Poppy and us, and Mary did a beautiful blessing and gave us a lovely quilt and a pink teddy for us to keep.
Coming home was the hardest thing I've ever done. Leaving Poppy and saying goodbye was almost more than I could bear.
I weep for you, my Poppy, and I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't give you more kisses and cuddles to take with you to Heaven, and I'm sorry I can't be with you.
Life cannot be measured in seconds, or hours, or days, but in love. Our hearts have grown with love for you, our little one, and if love was how we measured life, you would be an old women.
How do we keep going? How do we get up in the morning, eat, laugh, talk, like we used to? I had imagined our little family of four enjoying our first Christmas together.
God keep you safe, my baby girl, untill we meet again.
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss hun, I'm sorry Poppy couldn't stay with you. You're in my thoughts and prayers and so is your little princess xox
Oh Bec, how beautifully you write about your lovely little Poppy. I'm so sorry that she was only here with you for such a short time. My heart just aches for you and your family and the pain you are living. Please know that I will be thinking of you and offering only the most loving thoughts and prayers for your little girl who just couldn't stay.
My darling friend. I cry so many tears for you, your family and Poppy. I truly wished Poppy could stay earthside and be celebrating her first Xmas, First Birthday and all the other milestones. I don't know what more to say Bec but know that I think of you every day. When I log onto FB, yours is the first profile I visit. I wish you were posting a birth announcement and birth story too. Fly free Poppy. Jules x
Our Poppy Kate
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