Like others I need to vent and where else can I do it other than here, no-one else knows what to say, and when they do it's probaby the wrong thing.

So, I'm 38 years old, I had a gorgeous little girl in November 2009 at 36, fell pregnant within 3 months, no problems! April last year we decide to get a wriggle on and get her a sibling. Expecting yet again to fall quickly. Oh no.......was I mistaken! Well actually, not quite true, June I got a BFP, was pretty chuffed with myself, not bad for an old duck.......the day after I got my BFP I miscarried. OK, pretty bummed but we'll wait a month as per the doctors orders. August I get another BFP and again within days I miscarry. So off to the fertility specialist I go. All along I suspected a progesterone issue as my cycles were getting shorter and shorter from a normal 28 day down to 21/22 day cycle. I had to wait until early November to get an appointment but sure enough after a zillion blood tests it's discovered I have a luteal phase defect caused by pretty much no progesterone in the 2nd half of my cycle. To add to it all my egg count is extremely low, awesome! The FS goes off on holidays and tells me he can't see me again until the end of January 2012 but the nurses will track me. The first month was a disaster, I was put on the progesterone too late so yet again another month of failure. Onto cycle 2, Christmas Eve I have some spotting, call the clinic they told me to come in on Monday but I'll probably need more progesterone next time, have a blood test on Boxing Day, they call me to say guess what, you have HCG in your system....but, big but, it's very low, either it's too early or it's not looking good. They doubled my progesterone and within the week my numbers had risen really nicely. Over the next few scary weeks things were looking better and better, numbers rising nicely, a few drops in progesterone but it went back up again. Cue in 7 week scan, booked in for Monday, had just had bloods done a few days earlier to be told my numbers were awesome and I wouldn't need to come back for any more providing my scan was all clear. Easy I thought, I'm safe..........oh how wrong I was.

Turn up to scan, went on my own while hubby watched our 2 year old at home. Get in there all excited, lie down, the woman inserts the probe and immediately she says and all in one tone well there's a baby there and a heartbeat, but it's measuring a week behind in dates and the heart rate is very low. I suspect within the week it will peder off and die so I wouldn't go shouting it from the rooftops just yet. OMG what did you just say!!!!! And that was it, I was offered a tissue to "clean up" , the she asked if I'd like a picture of my baby and off you go to the front desk....I'll bulk bill you today - geez thanks.

I walked out in a daze, was that a joke, am I dreaming, nope it's true, sadly, very true.

Today it's Wednesday, I now have to wait until Friday to see the OB, she is going to run another scan but it's more to see if bub has died yet so we can schedule a D&C. I'm not sure how to process this, 3 losses in 10 months is really not funny and I'm kind of over it now. Everyone around me is falling pregnant left right and centre, I know there's lessons in everything but what this is meant to teach me other than bitterness I do not know.

Thanks for letting me vent, I don't expect any replies, I just needed to get my feelings off my chest because if I hear one more person tell me it's probably for the better if it wasn't right, or you can try again, I might just scream!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR