It so hard. Sometimes I can pretend all is ok, but when I think about it I start to cry. I have been wanting to write here for days now. I thought I was ok to write, but as soon as I do, the tears come again.

I should start at the beginning.

I've been on IVF for a couple of years. I was 40 when I started. I never meant to have kids so late, but sometimes life doesn't deal you the hand you want, and it wasn't until in was 38 that I met the man who has become the love of my life and I knew I could finally start the family I wanted. But having had problems with endometriosis and just generally being an older mum we had problems, so decided IVF was the way to go.

From the start of IVF, I didn't have problems getting eggs (which surprised the doctor) but what we did have problems with were the eggs surviving freezing. I had three cycles with 24 embryos, with only six being able to be implanted. I had one positive test, but the pregnancy didn't last more than 3 weeks,

Then in February it worked. My last 2 embyros. I did have 4, but the first 2 didn't survive the unfreezing, so the Dr quickly unfroze the remaining 2 and implanted these the same day, which isn't the usual practice. I didn't expect it to work. They didn't expect it to work. I was so surprised, but wary when at 2 weeks I was told my tests was positive. At 42 I was just so happy to have the chance.

All the way along for the next few months, I really didn't believe it was true. I read so many books, tried to eat as well as I could, didn't get to tired or hot, all the things I was supposed to do. I only had a small bit of morning sickness and apart from strange cramping which everyone told me was normal, felt quite well. I thought I was so lucky. that it was too good to be true. When I hit 12 weeks, i thought I had made it. I was happily telling everyone. I started buying baby clothes on ebay and visited pumpkin patch and other baby shops buying a few unisex items. We went to the baby expo and were sussing put strollers and cots and all the stuff. I was just so so happy and excited.

Then it was the time for the 18wk US scan. I decided to wait until 19weeks to give a better chance of finding out the sex of my baby. I was so excited, and was looking forward to it straight away. Then came the shock.

The first question I was asked was when did I last see my Obs, and did he find a heartbeat. I said yes, I had seen him at 17weeks. I could tell by the pictures there was something wrong, and eventually she went and got the Doctor. He had a look, and then told me he couldn't find a heartbeat, and that by the look of the fetus, my baby had been dead for a week. I felt that my soul was being ripped out. I couldn't believe that only an hour earlier I had been so happy, but now my world was totally falling apart. They put us in a quiet room and my hubby and I both just sobbed.

I then went straight down and saw mu Obs and arranged for me to go into hospital that day. I didn't know, but because my baby was 19weeks, I had to be induced and go through labour. From when I first went into hospital it took 28hours for my baby to be delivered. They said because of the state of the baby, as it had something called hydrops, they it was better if I didn't see it, they couldn't even tell me the sex. I left the next day, Friday.

But I had complications, I had a trip back to the hospital on the Saturday with urinary problems, but they said I was fine it was probably just bruising, but then on Sunday night the pain was so bad I went to emergency and had some IV antibiotics for a urinary tract infection. Then I started noticing cramping and my bleeding got heavier, so I was back in hospital again on Tuesday for a D&C. I've gradually been getting better since. But its been a journey. While was in so much pain, I couldn't really feel the emotional pain as much, but the last few days it has really kicked in. I had a phone call from my Dr a few days ago who told me that they had some autopsy results and that my little baby was a girl. We called her Rhianna.

It hurts so much. Like any new mother, I had my hopes and dreams and plans. I was so excited, so happy, so full of expectation. Its hard to find words to explain how much this all meant to me. I have always wanted children, I love kids, its what I thought I was meant to be, a mother, and to finally think at 42, that I would finally achieve my goal was just amazing. And now its all gone.

I am so scared. In August I will be 43. Part of me really believes that that little Rhianna was my last chance of becoming a mother. We want to try IVF again, but I know the percentages of it working are so small, and it hurts so much. I feel devastated, and wondering if it would have been better never to have tried, never to know what this pain is like to have lost my little one that I loved so much even though she hadn't been born.

She was born sleeping, and I can only hope she is being taken care of wherever she is.

Life is so sad right now.