On the 8th of February I went into labour at 36 weeks. The day before was Black Saturday and I thought the 47C weather had put me into labour.

We went to the hospital and Ruby was born three hours later. The midwives were concerned straight away. She was breathing but very floppy and they took her straight to the special care nursery. I had hardly even looked at her.

By the time I got out of my bed and got in there to see her they were worried. She wasn't getting enough oxygen and her left hand and foot seemed to be paralysed. They decided to send her to a NICU and the NETS team were called in to transport her. I was terrified. I hadn't expected this. The pregnancy had been just like my others and even during labour she had a good strong heartbeat and they told me not to worry.

NETS had to tube her to get her oxygen up. Then her lung collapsed. They fixed it and then her other lung collapsed. It took them 7 hours to stabilise her and take her to the Mercy Hospital with lights and sirens blaring. They told us she might not make the journey. I felt like I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak and I shook the entire trip to the Mercy which was 40 minutes away.

At the Mercy they put her onto a special ventilator and she was hooked up to so many machines. I just wanted to pick her up and hold her. I still hadn't held her and it was killing me. She just wasn't improving. I could feel my heart breaking. They brought in specialists from the Children's hospital and we were told that they suspected a genetic disorder called Spinal Muscular Atrophy.

They gave us a little room with beds and sent me off to get some sleep at midnight on the Monday night. I hadn't slept or even laid down since she was born and I was totally exhausted. I went and sat in that room but I couldn't sleep. The phone rang at 2 am and my heart jumped out of my chest. I thought she had gone and I wasn't there with her. She was still there they said but she was fading. We ran the 15 metres to her bedside. And they handed her to me. She improved slightly. They phoned our mothers at 3 am and told them that she wasn't going to make it until morning. They rushed into the hospital.

At 8 am Ruby was still hanging on. I had been holding her for hours and they wanted to do some tests so they put her back into that bed and sent me downstairs for food. I was back up there by 8.30 and that is when they told me that she was not going to survive. I collapsed - and I was taken to emergency. I got out of there as quickly as I could and went back to my beautiful little girl. There was no way I was going to miss a minute of her life.

They gave us time to be with her. I just willed time to slow down so that it seemed like longer. At 2pm they began to unhook her from all of her machines. Jeff held her while they did this and then handed her to me. I got to hold her without any machines or wires. By 2.30 she was gone.

My mother bathed her and dressed her and I went to see her afterwards but I was scared to pick her up. I knew I wouldn't be able to let her go. She looked so peaceful in her little pink dress and I just held her hand for what seemed like hours.

For weeks after she died I didn't cope at all. I stopped sleeping, eating and taking care of the house. Luckily I had people to help me. I developed anxiety and panic attacks and I would freak out if I didn't know where the kids were.

I am a lot calmer now. But my heart is still broken and I think it always will be. I feel lost and angry. I don't know how I am supposed to go on. But I am a mother and my other kids need me - so I will.
I just think that everyday is going to be a bit sadder without having Ruby here with me where she should be. Does it ever get better?