Thanks for that Lyn... what a beautiful story. The innocence of babes....

ok i have a few thoughts running through my head......i get pretty full on with my "thoughts" and feelings and i justify things to myself in strange ways, but here goes.....

Firstly i understand the unsurness of knowing if its our angels coming back....(long story coming up- need all the info for what i am saying to make sense.....)

As you may have gathered i have lost everyone of my angels due to a different reason at all different stages. My first was a my son, Darren (means little one) who had kidney troubles which caused more troubles to the rest of his organs- we were made to terminate at 18 weeks as there was no chance of him surviving, my second loss was a missed miscarrage(approx 6 weeks- didnt bleed till about 10weeks) which i tried to ignore and lastly my daughter, Zahra(little princess) at 35 weeks due to a placental abrubtion....

As i said before i sort of feel like Zahra was making her presence known to her daddy, to help show him what i was feeling... well i also think she was my m/c which i ignored, and she wanted to be heard loud and clear... IYKWIM...

Now while i was preg with Zahra, i was hoping it was my little boy coming back to me. I was telling everyone i thought it was a boy (we didnt find out) and deep down i wanted it to be my little boy coming back....But alas... it wasn't my little boy- it was a little girl.

I did feel like that i had betrayed her, because i wanted her to be him so much. But not that i had betrayed him- because he would have known i was feeling like that becuase i wanted him back so badly. I went thorugh a fair bit of sadness because i spent so much time thinking about Darren that i didnt give her the time to be who she really was. I can tell you that if she was here with me today i would have loved her just as much- and i would cherish everything about her- but i may have still tried again hoping to get my son too.

i was in a really bad way through out my pregnancy- i was never convinced i was bringing my baby home. I completely prepared myself to loose another baby. And i did.
I can say i did feel different in both pregnancies and if i was to be honest with myself at the time i knew it wasnt Darren back, but i wanted it so much that i tried to convince myself it was. DH always said i was having a girl- but i wouldnt accept it wasnt my son back. Until i lost my little girl.

Now after all of that i came to thinking that my little girl wanted as much attention as her brother. I took to thinking that she was my m/c i ignored, and that this time she was coming back to be heard loud and clear by both me and DH. She wanted to be wanted as much as he was, and now she has been a recognised angel- she will come back to me for keeps. I go so far as to even imagine little Darren sitting up there saying- "ok Zahra you can have another turn now- but make sure she is going to try again and we can come back together..." Crazy i know- but it helps me thorugh some of the bad days. And yes, that was my thinking before i heard about the Spirit Baby Circle!!!! BIZARRE

And as for continually trying without success....... When i first woke up from my emergency c section and i saw DH crying... i said i wasnt going to try agian. I said i cant go through this pain again. I still asked the drs if i was ok to try again.. i got the physical all clear, but i still shook my head and said i cant do it again. The pain was too unbearable to go through another 9 months of pregnancy and still run the risk of loosing another baby.

It took about a month before i decided i couldnt NOT try again. We got so close, i know i can make a healthy baby- i know i have blood clotting issues- but i can deal with them... i know it will be 9 months of pure hell to get there- but i cant not try again. If i give up now, then all the pain i have suffered was for nothing. What if all i ahd t do was try once more... could i live the rest of my life knowing i was the only thing stopping me trying again???? I would kick myself so hard if i was to find out i didnt get my baby becuase i gave up trying. I had to try again if it kills me. Because a life where i gave up wouldnt satisfy me anyway.

I still took some more time to recover and heal and lick my wounds before finding Belly Belly and really deciding it was time to try again. I know that with the support i have found here i can get through that 9 months of hell and i will still have my sanity and i will feel ok about feeling unsure, but i will have support i have never had to help me through. I know i was meant to find Belly belly coz it just flashed up on the computer right where i needed to be!! i dont even know how i found it- i was just looking for info on my blood clotting thing and Belly Belly appeared and i found myself reading a story that touched my heart (Deb- if your reading, it was the story of you birthing your angel son) it even took me ages to work out what Belly belly was, but i found myself in the best thread, with the people i was meant to meet.. (and i have found other threads very usefull too) and share this journey with. It has all happened to bring me here and now...... now i just have to sit back and let it be....

After my 2nd loss i went with the thinking that i needed to be ready to loose a baby before i try again, and that was my mind set for Zahra's preganacy. This time i am not prepared to loose another baby- i am only prepared to bring one (or two) screaming and kicking into this world. If they are my darling angels coming back- they will let me know in their own way, and i will still light their candles every day. I will still think of my angels, and i will hope that they will come back- but i will accept what ever happens.

I think i was a spirit baby... my mum m/c a few months before she fell pregnant with me. She has told me that she wasnt too happy about being preg again until she m/c... then she realised how much she wanted another baby and so she then planned me.


Thats alot to take in ladies- and i am sorry if its all confusing, once i start i have trouble stopping the dribble that pours from my heart.

Good night and Sweet Dreams
StarBright
xoxxo