thanks for yor stories, here's mine

[kermit4]

Hi there,

I've been floating around here for a month or so now and have taken so much from each of your stories. I really have found it helpful to read about your experiences and how you all dealt with/ are dealing with things. You are all such strong women and I've been amazed at the support you all share with one another.

I thought it was time I shared my story here. Sorry if it's really long.

My perfect boy was born on 18th October 2009 at 14 wks 5days. I had a "medically managed" miscarriage in hospital here in the UK.

Although we had been trying for a few months and I thought I wanted this baby more than anything, when I eventually tested positive in August I had freaked out a little. I resented the change in lifestyle that the pregnancy required of me, I was anxious about every little symptom or lack of symptom and having just sold our flat and without another one to move to yet I was also stressing about the future.

At 11 weeks I was just about starting to get my head round it all. We were just about to move out of our flat and although we didn't have a new place yet, I was looking forward to finding the perfect family home.
Whilst house hunting one day I came over really faint and felt sick. We went straight home and although the faintness passed quickly I felt really cold and shivery and my hands went really numb and my eyes and lips went puffy. Felt better the next day but decided to go see my GP but he reckoned it was pregnancy related and ok.

The following week whilst at work I bled really heavily. Not for long but I also passed large clots/tissue. I phoned my hubby in tears. By the time we got home the GP was shut but I called NHS 24. I spoke to a midwife on the phone who said it sounded like I was misscarrying. There wasn't much that could be done that night but we were to call in the morning to arrange a scan to confirm.
That night was just awful. Hubby and I just wept, convinced it was all over.

Speaking to the midwife the next day she said it sounded like the baby had died a few weeks before since I had had bleeding but no pain. The scan would confirm. The feeling when the sonographer switched on the screen to show our little bub kicking around and his heart beating strongly was indescribable. We left with our hopes restored, clutching a picture of our little miracle.

Over the next week we shared the news with our family and friends. My parents were over the moon and my nieces and nephews were already arguing over whether they wanted a boy cousin or a girl cousin!

The weekend we moved out of our flat I began to feel a bit of dull pain. I put it down to all the cleaning etc I had been doing in preparation. Once we were in our rented place I put my feet up for a couple of days.

The pain went away but then I noticed some brown spotting along with some small clots. I phoned the hospital who said come in for a scan so I drove there on my own as my hubby was at work.
I knew something was wrong when the sonographer didn't say anything. She'd found bub so quickly the first time.

Having to tell my husband on the phone was nearly impossible. I can only imagine his journey to the hospital. Once he arrived the doctor explained about a 'medically managed' miscarriage, gave me a pill and told me to come back in two days time.

My anxiety about what would happen next was such that I visited the hospital twice before the second day. They eventually admitted me and we waited 48 hours for anything to happen. The information I had been given had told me I would need to go through labour to deliver bub and I would need to push etc.

Our baby was born with a cough. I was being examined internally as things were taking so long. The doctor told me to cough and he arrived.
The information we had been given talked about seeing our baby and getting hand and footprints made. The midwife told us we shouldn't look at it as it had 'deteriorated'. I spent days wondering in agony whether my husband had seen him. I eventually asked him and he told me he hadn't.

We consented to a post-mortem and recieved the results the same day we moved into our new 'family home'. No real reason could be determined. bubs was a perfect little boy but he must have died just after our first scan. This broke my heart as it meant that when we were sharing the news and celebrating his imminant arrival he had already left us.

Our hospital offered to arrange a cremation which I found hugely helpful. We had him cremated before the post-mortem results were back so we didn't know he was a little boy then. The only thing I regret about it was how impersonal it was. He was just 'this child' or 'baby R---'

I would like to name him now but hubby is not so keen. I will broach the subject again next year.

So 2010 will bring us a very different year than we had thought 6 months ago. Christmas cards recieved this year were full of "Hope 2010 brings you all you want". don't think it can now. don't think I'm ready.

Thanks for listening

[TeniBear]

*hug* Nothing I can say to make it any better, but I hope it helps getting it all out and talking about what you've been through... The ladies here are incredibly helpful, great listeners.

Re: naming him, even if your hubby isn't up for doing so, maybe you could give him a name in your own head? Even if it's just a nickname, it might help more than just saying "the baby" (I haven't had a loss myself, but my mum has had a few over the past couple of years, and I call each of them something different in my head when I "talk" to them)

RIP little guy, your mummy obviously loves you...

[Kitt3n]

Oh hun, how very sad. I am so sorry you had to go through this.

I think it's a lovely idea to name him. My miscarriages were early ones, however I think of them in my heart as Bubble1 and Bubble2. I was quite a mess after the second one, and found it really helped to do a little something, something personal.

So I made a little paper boat and put a small candle in it, took it to a river and lit the candle, then watched it float away. Just as our little ones had floated away. Kinda gave me closure.

Please stay around, there are so many lovely ladies here to have had to endure similar circumstances - the collective strength here is amazing

[human bean]

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your son welcome to BB, the support and common ground many of us sadly share can be such a comfort, so whilst very sad, it's a good thing you've found your way here

[Cassius2]

I am so sorry for your loss of your little boy

I think a name would be a lovely idea for you. Sometimes our loved ones grieve in different ways to us, so like you said, maybe broaching the subject every now and then would be a good way to get him thinking about the possibility of a name...

Many hugs and thoughts with you and your DH xx

[kermit4]

thanks so much ladies..

can't tell you all what it means to get it out there and have your support. I'm finding it's kind of a taboo subject right now like hubby can't/doesn't want to talk about it and friends and family think it's best that the subject doesn't come up. I feel like I need to keep the taboo so as not to upset anyone else right now. I know it's not their fault but especially at work I'm feeling like I've got to be the most cheerful to show everyone its all OK and I'm not about to flake out anytime soon.

People keep gushing at me about our new house as if it's the back up and at least I've got that to be happy about. I'm just trying to keep the doors to the 'other' bedrooms closed right now. I really feel the expectations are so high for us to concieve again this year from everyone including hubby and to an extent myself. Really worried how I'm going to deal with all this if/when we do though.

It makes me so sad to think that all you girls have experience of all this in one way or another. So many of your stories have made me weep over the past weeks/months but it has helped me so much to know that when I was ready to talk it all through, there was somewhere I could do it without that uncomfortable-ness I get when I mention it (or just babies in general) to anyone else.

Just wanted to say stay strong to you all and another thank you for being there. I know you're on the other side of the world but in some ways thats easier i guess.

Thanks lovely ladies.

[beckoes]

welcome to BB. Im sorry to read about your loss and the hard year you have had! I hope 2010 brings you healing. Like others have said, BB is full of beautiful women who you can share you stories with! Hope to see you around. hugs to you.

[kermit4]

thanks again ladies,

as ever some comfort and sound advice from you all.

TeniBear,

Re: naming him, even if your hubby isn't up for doing so, maybe you could give him a name in your own head? Even if it's just a nickname, it might help more than just saying "the baby" (I haven't had a loss myself, but my mum has had a few over the past couple of years, and I call each of them something different in my head when I "talk" to them)

For the moment, I am calling him Bluetit. when I watch the birds at my garden table I am reminded of his scan picture and his tiny, perfect beauty.
Think I will try to talk to my hubby about giving him a proper name near his EDD. I would like to do something in his memory around that time.

Getting my head round it all slowly, was feeling really low over new year when I last posted here but approaching things a bit more positively now I think.

Your little boy is not a taboo topic, and it's ok for you to cry for him and want to talk about him. In fact it's ok if you want to talk about him over and over and over.

Thanks so much for your reply Dory, still feeling like people are avoiding the issue when even my closest friend pretends like it never happened but I understand how difficult it is for them all too. I need to remind myself that to them all I had only been pregnant for a week or so. It must seem less real to them. (It even seems a bit unreal to me!) As I said, I'm feeling more positive now but will remember your suggestion.

Much love to you all and thanks for your support.

[dory]

Kermit4 - what you doing up so late posting here? Maybe for the same reason I am up early posting.

Take care sweetie. There is a thread for memorial ideas in here somewhere. Have a look there for some ideas when you feel up to it.

It's really hard sometimes when DH and you don't seem on the same path. The best advice I can give, is when you feel you are able, talk to him about it and hopefully he will open up as to his reasons for his feelings. It's hard for men too, this greiving stuff. As much as it is about you as a mother and your grief, it's also about DH and his grief. When you can - don't forget to check in with him to see how he's going. If he is anything like mine, he will say "I am ok, I am just worried about you". Until DH could see some "improvement" in me, he wasn't prepared to talk about himself. Pretty sweet really. Hope your hubby is going ok. Let him know that some people are thinking of him.

As for your BF, can you talk to her and tell her for you to talk about your Bluetit? It's weird but my BF and I are on a similar grief journey and have even miscarried on the same day, a year apart, with similar symptoms. She has been an inspiration to me. But until I had a miscarriage and by this time she had already had one, I really didn't get it, the grief, the anguish. I feel embarrassed now that I just didn't get it. Maybe your BF is a bit like me - well intentioned and sad for you but completely lost about what to say or do? One of the other hard things about grief is sometimes it's you being the one to show people what they can and can't say or do. It's a pretty hard burden to bear when the load is so heavy.

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit more positive. You'll get there.

Oh I really liked the story about the birds in your garden being a living memorial to you precious little one. that's just beautiful.