I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks eighteen months ago. Getting pregnant was a complete shock. Me and my fiance hadn't planned to have children for at least a couple of years. After some very deep thinking, even going to see a pregnancy counsellor, we came to the joint conclusion that the pregnancy was great news and we both wanted to have the baby.

During the process we'd analysed every bit of our lives and how they would change with a baby. We weighed up everything and both felt our baby would bring us so much more happiness than we'd ever felt. It was life changing. Great. I discussed it with two close friends, who both seemed to really think it was great but who stifled this and tried to be understandingly objective whilst we 'came to our decision,' In hindsight, knowing how we felt there was never any doubt we'd do anything but go ahead and have our baby. Underneath my scaredness I felt ecstatic. I couldn't believe I was having a baby and literally, my history of depression, my uncertainty about what to do in life all seemed to be justified by the fact I was going to love this baby and it would be central to my life. He or she would depend on me and I was so happy to give myself to this.

Anyway, it didn't turn out to be the case. I feel guilt even writing this but then know from all the things I've read that it's silly and also not right to feel this. This isn't the worst. I am surrounded by people who are pregnant, having their second, third children. I have to put on a brave face everytime. I feel so totally selfish, self-absorbed, morbid, that I am not genuinely happy for all these people. My baby would have been coming up to his/her (in fact I am convinced she was a girl and even have a name for her in my head) first birthday.

Things like facebook make it so much harder to deal with because as we all probably know, every day you log in and someone has updated their status with some commentary on how their day is going as a mother; 'Johnny has a cough, I haven't slept', 'We've finally had a full nights' sleep', 'how funny that Toby thinks the sky is made of treacle' etc etc... all the adoring parent commentaries frankly make me so angry. I know they shouldn't, and hence I feel like I have horns growing out of my head, but I do.

The worst is that my best friend is currently going through a wonderful pregnancy and I can barely speak to her. I am so disappointed in myself but everytime I think about it I have that horrible dark feeling and she's too clever not to notice when I am lying!

I don't know why I have gone on for so long. I am hoping I will identify with someone else and help someone like me feel less alone. However, I'd also really appreciate any advice anyone can give on how to get through it. Even though my relationship is mainly amazing, this is still the one thing that can cause rows as we just don't deal with it in the same way - at all!

Anyway, I am constantly admiring of women who have been through so much worse, later miscarriages and even loss of child. You are amazing.

Lots of love to you all,

D xxxxx