Hi folks,

A month after DH and I got married we were so excited to find out we were pregnant - we certainly didn't think it would happen so fast!! As our excitement continued to build, so did all of our hopes and dreams of being a happy family, well this all came crashing down around us when we found out our lil one didn't make it past 13 weeks.

My world stopped turning for awhile there, as I'm sure it did for many of us here on the forums.

2 weeks after my D&C, I flew to be with my sister whilst she gave birth to her first bub - this was such an emotionally raw time for me. She said she understood if I didn't go, and I really didn't want to, but on the other hand I did want to be there too for my sister. It was really hard being away from my DH at that time also. After she gave birth I just couldn't bring myself to hold her baby - he was such a gorgeous wee thing but I knew if I held him I would just lose it. Her husband, being insensitive to my needs but totally absorbed in new parenthood, kept asking why the aunty didn't want to hold the baby. My sis would just shush him and change the subject. On day 3 at the hospital I nervously asked if I could have some time alone with my sis and the bub and after some time he went for a cuppa in the cafe.

I'll never forget shutting the door and turning around to see my sis crying her eyes out and looking at me saying she couldn't fathom why I was going through and wished she knew how to help me or to stop the hurt. We just stood there over bubs crib crying together and watching him, and then she excused herself to the bathroom. She gave me the chance to have my first cuddle and it absolutely broke my heart but I just held him and wept. And then I was okay, everyone slowly came back and I was fine with cuddles etc for the rest of my visit. My poor sister was trying to balance new motherhood with not being too insensitive to the poor woman who had just lost a baby, and I was trying to balance my grief with not being too insensitive to the woman who had just given birth and was completely entitled to be all about her baby!

Anyways, shoot forward to Jan this year and she announces she is pregnant again. As much as I hate to admit it, I just felt so jealous and angry and sorry for myself all in that split second! I should have been happy for her but I didn't feel that way at all. We had a large overseas holiday planned for Feb and she flippantly said that DH and I had better get busy on our holiday and catch up with the baby making. For some reason that really stung me. I know I'm probably being really over sensitive but it hurt and still hurts now, months later. I also know she wouldn't have meant to upset me, and at the time I should have explained how it made me feel, but I didn't. I have to make myself ring her and ask how the pregnancy is going, and it's either all talk about the next bub or my nephew, and I should be really happy for her but I just can't bring myself to be.

Don't get me wrong I love them with all my heart, and during a visit in Nov I adored my nephew and him me. But for some reason I just can't seem to get back to how we used to be. I guess I'm hoping someone reading this can see where I'm coming from or has had similar feelings so I don't feel like such a terrible person.

Sorry for such a long winded ramble!