thread: Why can't I be happy for her?

  1. #1
    Registered User

    Jan 2008

    Why can't I be happy for her?

    Hi folks,

    A month after DH and I got married we were so excited to find out we were pregnant - we certainly didn't think it would happen so fast!! As our excitement continued to build, so did all of our hopes and dreams of being a happy family, well this all came crashing down around us when we found out our lil one didn't make it past 13 weeks.

    My world stopped turning for awhile there, as I'm sure it did for many of us here on the forums.

    2 weeks after my D&C, I flew to be with my sister whilst she gave birth to her first bub - this was such an emotionally raw time for me. She said she understood if I didn't go, and I really didn't want to, but on the other hand I did want to be there too for my sister. It was really hard being away from my DH at that time also. After she gave birth I just couldn't bring myself to hold her baby - he was such a gorgeous wee thing but I knew if I held him I would just lose it. Her husband, being insensitive to my needs but totally absorbed in new parenthood, kept asking why the aunty didn't want to hold the baby. My sis would just shush him and change the subject. On day 3 at the hospital I nervously asked if I could have some time alone with my sis and the bub and after some time he went for a cuppa in the cafe.

    I'll never forget shutting the door and turning around to see my sis crying her eyes out and looking at me saying she couldn't fathom why I was going through and wished she knew how to help me or to stop the hurt. We just stood there over bubs crib crying together and watching him, and then she excused herself to the bathroom. She gave me the chance to have my first cuddle and it absolutely broke my heart but I just held him and wept. And then I was okay, everyone slowly came back and I was fine with cuddles etc for the rest of my visit. My poor sister was trying to balance new motherhood with not being too insensitive to the poor woman who had just lost a baby, and I was trying to balance my grief with not being too insensitive to the woman who had just given birth and was completely entitled to be all about her baby!

    Anyways, shoot forward to Jan this year and she announces she is pregnant again. As much as I hate to admit it, I just felt so jealous and angry and sorry for myself all in that split second! I should have been happy for her but I didn't feel that way at all. We had a large overseas holiday planned for Feb and she flippantly said that DH and I had better get busy on our holiday and catch up with the baby making. For some reason that really stung me. I know I'm probably being really over sensitive but it hurt and still hurts now, months later. I also know she wouldn't have meant to upset me, and at the time I should have explained how it made me feel, but I didn't. I have to make myself ring her and ask how the pregnancy is going, and it's either all talk about the next bub or my nephew, and I should be really happy for her but I just can't bring myself to be.

    Don't get me wrong I love them with all my heart, and during a visit in Nov I adored my nephew and him me. But for some reason I just can't seem to get back to how we used to be. I guess I'm hoping someone reading this can see where I'm coming from or has had similar feelings so I don't feel like such a terrible person.

    Sorry for such a long winded ramble!

  2. #2
    2013 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Apr 2009

    You are not a terrible person I think you are being too hard on yourself. You are grieving for your angel baby and at a time when you should be both going through the same thing of celebrating motherhood. I could only try to imagine how hard that would be for you to see what your sister has something that you should also have.

    My situation is quite different to yours. I have two children, married and have being ttc for almost a year (1 m/c). My sister and her new boyfriend of 2weeks are now ttc and I feel so jealous when I shouldn't. She knowing DH and I have being ttc boasted how fertile she was and she will be pregnant "this month" going on her last pregnancy. I should be happy for her (as she was looking into sperm donation as she is desperate for a sibling for her 2yr old son) but instead I am jealous that this has happened for her so quickly. I feel like a ***** as I already have two children when she has one. That makes me feel like I am a terrible person so although our situations are completely different I am experiencing similar feelings as you. Apart of me is happy for her then there is this part of me that wishes it was me first.
    for you to have your baby in your arms soon!

  3. #3
    Registered User

    Mar 2008
    mid north coast, nsw

    You aren't being awful, it's a very natural response. You have experienced real loss and grief...and that doesn't go away. Often those who have not been in our shoes don't really understand, and they say insensitive or hurtful comments, without even realise the hurt they cause. It's natural for you to feel all these things and for these experiences to cause a shift in some of your relationships. hopefully if you can find a way to communicate your feelings with your sis, things will get better in time...and hopefully you will soon be pregnant and have a baby of your own, which I am sure will also help things. good luck and dont be too hard on yourself

  4. #4
    Registered User

    Mar 2009

    You are totally normal to feel what you are feeling. I know what it feels like to have that jealous ache inside. You hate yourself for feeling that way. I find acknowledging the feeling like you have through your post is very healthy. When I hold on to those feelings they eat me up inside and make me feel worse.
    On the other hand when I found out I was pregnant for the brief moment of hope we had that it might be a normal pregnancy (4 days) before learning it was ectopic I felt the jealous that my brother and his wife had (TTC longer then us). So I think it is a very natural feeling. Good for you for admitting it! Good luck on your journey!

  5. #5
    Registered User

    Jan 2008

    Thanks Emmy, Possums and teme, I appreciate your replies. Whilst it's so sad to see others feeling the same way, it's been really reassuring for me to see it's normal to do so.

    And I agree, teme, that acknowledging the way I felt outloud was really helpful so thanks to you all for listening.

    that we all have healthy and happy babes in our arms soon. Thanks again