Talking to kids about adoption in and out of families

[HotI]

my dd is pretty excited at the moment at the realisation that she was in my tummy, and ds was in my tummy, but daddy was in grandma's tummy, mummy was in nanny's tummy etc....

it has got me thinking about how and when to talk about all the different relationships in the family. one of my siblings was adopted in to our family, a cousin (who we have contact with) was adopted out of the family. none of these are secrets, and they don't need to be, but at a basic level the adoption factor also doesn't matter.

so, when we talked about my siblings, we said A, B, C, E were in nanny's tummy too. Not strictly true, but is if we are justusing 'in nanny's tummy' to describe the family structure.

just wwondered if this has come up in other families and how the conversation has gone. i assume it will come up naturally at some point.

ta

[Phteven]

The longer you leave this stuff the harder it is to talk about. I have cousins who have no idea their mum was adopted. So awkward. Tbh I'm not sure if their Mum knows. Even more awkward. I would just yell them now.

[nothing2lose]

I would just say that x was such a lovely baby that their parents chose them to come and live with them and be part of the family. Maybe follow it up with sometimes babies are born and their mummies/daddies can't look after them (because they might be too young or sick, etc) so you are very lucky x got to be part of your family.

With your cousin who was adopted, I'd say pretty much the same in reverse - cousin was such a lovely baby that the family she grew up with wanted him/her to live with them, etc.

[buffy1]

I agree with n2l.

My little brother is adopted, and has known since he was old enough to talk. He was given a similar explanation and also told that you don't have to come out of someone's tummy to have them as your Mummy. Sometimes you can even have two etc (without getting too complicated).

[Mak]

TBH I go with the truth and just using the most simple explanation that is appropriate - most often it is our own insecurities as adults that make us worry about stuff. Kids take on board facts much more matter of factly IMHO.
My mum died when I was 9. DD asked why I call her Nanny by her name rather than call her mum. So we just told her and she had a few questions (and some anxious moments after when realising that mum's are not infalliable) however we've had some more direct experiences/issues with death and tbh those discussions have helped. A little off track but perhaps helpful??? You do have to be prepared for them to share their new found knowledge too at sometimes less than perfect moments. However I think it has helped reinforce that she can ask us anything.

[Indadhanu]

The younger they are, the easier it is for them to just go "yep, fair enough", and it's not a big deal. They also grow up with the understanding that family is more than just being in someones tummy, so when they come across a different family structure at school where their peers may be fostered or adopted, it's not a weird thing, and their first reaction ISN'T to tell them that it's not a real family, or that you HAVE to have a mum and dad or etc etc. It's not really a hard topic to approach either. My partner is fostered, my mum is adopted, and obviously DD has two mums, and we just approach the whole thing with a very matter of fact tone about it all - family is family, it's being loved and cared for and it doesn't matter who does it or how you are a family, it's just family. That's how my parents and grandparents approached it with me about mums family. Todd Parr has some really excellent books on family and adoption, mostly for the under 8 age group, if that helps.

[chippyrabbit]

I think you should just be straight up, why not start small though and use the dog as an example? It might sounds silly but she is part of your family but she didnt come out of your tummy

[HotI]

I have a couple of Todd Parr books, might get them out and see if they help. i bought the family one, but i think i gave it to my niece. might get another copy.

we always just knew it growing up, my sibling had a photo book of her story and would just tell people in the supermarket "i have 2 mums". i guess it is a little different cos it doesn't directly affect my dd and that's why i am wondering when to bring it up. actually we have a family wedding next year and that will involve sibling's siblings so that will be easier to explain - less of an abstract idea.

[HotI]

I think you should just be straight up, why not start small though and use the dog as an example? It might sounds silly but she is part of your family but she didnt come out of your tummy

DD was just chatting to DH and discussing who came from whose tummy. I hadn't told him about your suggestion. DH then asks DD 'where did Rosie (the dog) come from?' DD thinks, and says "nanny's tummy!",