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Thread: DH not supportive unless it is his way

  1. #1

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    Default DH not supportive unless it is his way

    Getting so frustrated with DH. He is pushing me to finish my degree, fair enough, I need to. The main problem is that I am unable to go back to my old uni to complete the degree as it is not offered online and due to moving over 3 hrs away, part-time study of an evening is not an option. I spoke to my old uni and to go back (I stopped in 2005 due to pregnancy), I would have to complete 8 subjects, even though I only have 4 to go. DH is angry he thinks they should just offer me what I need to complete my degree and that I should push for it. Somehow I don't think that I could get a large uni to change their policies and set-up online study just for me.

    My main option is to transfer the degree to the local uni, but they do not offer a Bachelor of Business in Accountancy, they have a Bachelor of Commerce and then I can follow on with a Grad Diploma in Accountancy. I am happy with that, I do not want to be an accountant, but he is obsessed that with my degree I can call myself an accountant. Truth is I can call myself that now, due to my industry experience (was an assistant financial accountant). Ethically I would not call myself a full blown accountant unless I had CPA or CA after my name, as I know the degree is just not enough to be an accountant.



    I understand with a completed degree more jobs will open for me, as some organisations are just not flexible in that way. I have been lucky in the past to be treated like I have a degree pay wise and work load wise. He just does not understand that I do not want to be an accountant at all, I am happy with the idea of getting my bookkeeping business going again and looking at some online business opportunities. Part of the reason we relocated was for a better life and an understanding that I would be continuing my business, not for me to go back onto the corporate ladder. It is like he cannot get his head out of the corporate culture that I came from.

    I need his support to continue with studies, especially if I have to attend lectures as opposed to being able to study off campus. I just cannot see myself doing it if he is *****ing in the background about the whole situation. He can be a total grumpy bum when he does not agree with something and make it difficult to do (being late for looking after kids, late picking me up, just general grumpy attitude which just brings you down). He just needs to let go, it is my degree, my career to do with what I want. I have stood by him as he has jumped from job to job , generally before he got fired. I stuck in a miserable job being a the main income earner for years as I could not trust that he would have a job when he came home. It is about time he stood by me with my career decisions.

  2. #2

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    wtf does he want from you FFS!

    What is he not supportive about? So he wants you to finish but he is going to biatch all the way through????

  3. #3

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    Oh Astrid

    I feel your pain.

    My DH is the same. This year I am studying towards a degree that I am never going to use because in his eyes I have to finish it because I started it. I have got everything I wanted out of it already and I know exactly where my life is going to be going for the next x number of years. He has it in his head that I must finish it but coupled with that he is also forever criticising it and saying that it is worthless and I'm not learning anything and he can't see the point of it. But I digress.

    I think you have to sit him down and explain the situation. universities have policies and as students we have to work within those policies. they are there to make life easy for the majority. If he wants you to finish the degree then he has to understand that you would be doing it for your whole family and as a member of the family he has to support you and do what you need from him in order for you to achieve what he wants you to.

    One thing a friend of mine did was study at a different uni for her last year and then get those credits transferred back to her original degree. It is my understanding that most unis allow it so long as the subjects are comparable. I find that sometimes contacting the dean or head of department gets you further than speaking to admin people. They may know of other ways that you can do it - from my experience admin people don't usually think outside the square.

    Good luck

  4. #4

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    I suppose I am dealing with the "expert" at everything (the reason why he left so many jobs, every boss was an idiot ). He has never been to uni or even applied, so he has no idea how it works. His workplace is going to fund a degree for him, as promotion relies on having the right paperwork, so I think he is applying what is happening to him to me.

    I would say that most jobs I would go for down here would not have an issue with the degree. I have learnt more from being in the industry, than from the Uni, most of what they teach is absolute rubbish, or only needed if you go onto a Masters and want to be a Uni lecturer.

    Just angry at the pressure he is putting on me at this time, I just don't need it.
    Thanks for the advice Taffy, if I get over the anger I might look at contacting the Dean to see if there is a way around this. I can surely get accreditation for industry experience. If I was going to continue I was only going to do the most basic of subjects anyway, I think I only had electives to go.

  5. #5

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    Grrr, experts! Reminds me of my exH.....

    Whinging away about how things should be, never happy unless it's his idea grrr ggrr grrrr. When he would start like this I would just say - ok so how do you think it should be. O.k well that won't work - want to know why?
    So once they can get off the whinging about it (if at all, some people just get hooked on complaining iykwim?), I'd explain - they actuality of the situation, what you are prepared to do to achieve it and finally, a clear statement from him about what it is HE will do to facilitate it as well as you. Then tell him to shut up or you won't do it at all.....

    Yep - single for a reason!

  6. #6

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    How's this sitch going Astrid? I kinda reminds me of me and my DH. I had an unfinished degree when we met... he was forever hounding me to complete it and because he was nagging I resisted on principle. Then I got a job at a school as a teachers' assistant and my colleagues encouraged me in a very positive manner to complete it so that i could become a "qualified" and "earn what i deserve" etc. So... naturally i enrolled and completed it! LOL The old saying "you gather more bees with honey than vinegar" is certainly very true! There is also the fable of the sun and the wind and their efforts to remove the man's coat... heard of that one? The wind blew with all his might but couldn't remove that damn coat! The sun shone his gentle rays down upon the man who sat down and shed his coat. Maybe your DH would benefit from reading stories like this to your DD?

    Anyhow, my DH (banker) has never been to uni either and he doesn't have a clue about the admin nightmare that students have to deal with at the best of times He, like you, has gained his experience mainly from working 20 years for the same bank (started as a teller when he was 18). This bank occassionally gets in Deakin Uni to train the managers and provide courses that are condensed from a semester into a week's study. This is so that legally the managers can advise customers on certain services etc.

    Now I have to complete a Dip Ed and I can be a teacher and DH is starting to apply the pressure again... however I think he understands that the needs of our family are now more significant now that we have 3 children as opposed to just 1. He knows that study for me at this time would require a Herculean effort AND what i do when he nags now is say "well, why don't YOU complete a few more approved subjects so Deakin will give you a full blown Business degree???" So I respond to a nag with a nag. That usually shuts him up.

    Anyhow... continue to vent in here Astrid. And if all fails just be stoic and simply don't say anything.... men tend to understand silence better than words! It's usually their key strategy!

  7. #7

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    oh goddess Astrid he sounds like my DH, the job jumping, the biatching about my uni studies (I took a year off, and each time I've wanted to go back it has been difficult for me to do it due to him), me being the major breadwinner etc

    As bath says, continue to vent here We're here for you!

    I never finished one of my degrees (IT), never going to finish it, he can't understand that, he also can't understand why I swapped to science when I don't work in a scientific field (if anything the IT degree would be better suited), but I'm studying science because it is something I love doing. I'm going back to study next year, going to be doing some pre-prep study of my own between now and then (1 subject I failed coz I froze in the exam, the other was a subject I started doing exernally & couldn't finish - hard to do with NO support at home including no time to study).

  8. #8

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    Oh dear, so much else has been going on since this post. He has not mentioned the degree in awhile, he is obsessed with house hunting, even in the ER today he was going on about houses So much for me getting better. It is one of those things, along with many others, we need a good long talk about. I need to find out exactly what he wants from me, SAHM or working mum. I don't see the point in the pressure if he only wants me to work a few hours a week. Also the properties we are looking at will require working (vegies, chooks, 4 legged beasties etc), so there will be little time outside of that to have paid work.

    Thanks for bumping this thread.

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