Firstly, you are NOT a terrible mum! We all have days like that. Also, you're only starting out on your journey to find the tools and understand the uniqueness of your son's condition, and at first there is a lot of hit and miss. What works one day might not work another, and unfortunately it takes time and experience to build your arsenal of tricks. It sounds like it is definitely over-stimulation from being at the shops. Outside didn't work this time, it's a better tool for when they are reacting to a lack of stimulus. Perhaps if it happens again, can you try to get your DH to do deep pressure (squishing him between two pillows) making a game out of it. Deep pressure is meant to be calming it might work better at times like that. Even a bear hug could help a lot. What you DH says about a fit is actually how I would describe it too. My DD used to fit for real and she has a very distinctive cry that she only makes after having one, and also after she has calmed down on the occasions when she has gone so off the handle that I've had to restrain her during some meltdowns.
You can go see a private OT, no you don't need a referral but it helps. Also, does you community allied health organisation run a drop in clinic?
There is another tool to help identify sensory triggers so you know whether to add or remove stimulation, I'll see if I can find it.
Here it is. It's a troubleshooting acronym from Sensational Kids by Lucy Jane Miller:
A SECRET
Attention: Is there a way I can draw my child's attention away from his anxiety? Sensation: Is there a sensation that is alarming my child right now? If so, what is it, and can it be modified? Can I use another sensation to override the alarming one? Emotion: What emotion is my child experiencing, and what techniques do I know that work best when he feels this way? Culture: What part of our family culture (like shopping) can be changed to avoid situations like this in the future? Can I do these things without my child, or can we amend them to be on a smaller scale? Relationships: Is there something in his relationship with me or someone else right now that's causing him to act this way? What can I do about it? Environment: What in the environment is setting my child off? How can I change it? Task: What is troubling my child about the task at hand? How can the task be modified so that it is not so problematic for my child? Is there another task I can substitute now that will provide a calming influence?
I don't know if it will help (we've found it good) but better to have it and not need it. Hopefully it will be empowering.
Im not sure of pressure would help. There was one time he had a melt down like this one, which was triggered by Glenn removing arrows Evan had placed around the house for Santa to find the basket with a letter he put out (in November mind you). Evan responded by punching Glenn in the stomach. To which he was sent to his room. Where he lost it completely. DH was in bed, I had to get him to get up & help me. He tried to calm Evan while I calmed Glenn (he really hurt him) & in that instance the roles where reversed DH was handling it badly so I went in & asked him to go out & I tried to help Evan. I put him on my lap so he was straddling my knees & just tried to hold him close. He fought with such might. But It was all I could think of to do, he was going to hurt himself. He ended up biting me on the arm which left a bruise the size of a mans fist. He also ripped at my ear rings, my hair etc etc.
Once that part of it was over he was extremely hyperactive, obsessing over checking that all his arrows where still where he put them etc.
When he is this way he reacts badly to being touched (so smacking him was the worst thing, mind you this time round he was so caught up in screaming & yelling I don't think he really noticed). But yeah if I was to try & take him by the hand/arm, direct him by placing a hand on his back & "push" him etc he spits venom almost! This is where its hard. He doesn't want to be touched, looked at, spoken too etc.
I did have a little chat with Evan just before. Told him that I love him & that I just get so cranky & even scared when he behaves that way. But im not really cranky at him, Im cranky at myself because I don't know how to help him. He said he was sorry also & that it would have been ok if we had just kept going to the park (he thought thats where we were going on the walk).
Its strange how he focus on what he thinks is the problem. But its not. It wasn't that we said No to the park. It was no more walk someone is going to get hit by a car!
Or earlier today, he got into trouble after I had already said not to use the skipping rope the way he was, he was threading it down from the top bunk between the wall & teh bed & the pulling things back up that Glenn had tied to the bottom. BUT yanking it up against the wall. Which I explained was going to damage the walls. But then later they were doing it again & he got himself caught in it trying to get down off the bed & freaked out thinking he was choking. BUT not seeing I was cranky at doing what I had already asked them not too, he got caught up in Blaming Isla for holding on to it & he was choking. He wasn't choking by the way. He had it stuck around his elbow & it was across his chin.
Eta- thanks Yeddi. I will try & remember that. This time round I have no idea! LOL This is going to be so hard with 5 kids.
Wow what a huge day. Obviously he had issues coping with a "change" in plans (at least in his eyes).
Often I find that M has more issues the more sensory situations she's been in. If I were to take her to Woollies, you can be guaranteed that we would have a meltdown later in the day due to things going not according to her plan. If I took her to an indoor play centre... we'd last around 20 minutes before her anxieties increased enough to have to carry her out. She doesn't cope during school holidays with any enclosed activities, so shops are out, the local hotel which has a playground is out, indoor playcentres are out... we just can't do it. At first I hated it, I felt punished, but now... now I'm relieved that I know what triggers her and can avoid it. Both of us are happier due to the decrease in meltdowns.
IN those situations is M happy to be there though? To begin with? See Evan likes going to play centers & things like that. He can get very silly but its not his anxiety that comes out. Like yesterday, this one place at the RSL has playstations set up. I had to keep telling him to leave them as he was trying to work out how to turn them all on, getting behind the TV etc. Knows no boundaries.
With going for a walk yesterday. We said at the start we are not going to the park. He said OK. BUT then we walked in that direction. So I guess thats where things went wrong.
He wet the bed last night, which I was expecting. He always does after a carry on like that.
How am I going to avoid situations that trigger when I have 4 other kids.
Perhaps you need a way of Evan being able to remove stimulation when he becomes overwhelmed? A certain book or toy or something he likes that he can absorb himself in and ignore everything else? Not sure, but at home you could perhaps try a "time away" teepee (or just basic tent sort of thing made from a sheet) that he can go inside to sort of shut down for a little while. Headphones to block out sound? There might be some more info out there on sensory avoidant behaviour that could help.
My son is sensory seeking so cuddles work really well for him. He still becomes over loaded when out and about so I guess it's the type of sensory stimulation that is the issue? He's really sensory seeking lately- wants his dummy and cuddles all day. I'm going to have to look into some sensory stuff like a weighed vest and the mouth toys I think. We have a vibrating toy that he hates and he doesn't much like other teething toys, only the dummy so I'm not really sure TBH.
The blog is racing along. I still have a million things to write. I think I'm overwhelming myself at the moment with my desperation to "fix" him. Is this a stage of denial do you think? I'm paranoid my second son has sensory issues now too and I feel a like distancing myself a bit. I just don't feel like I can do this.
Oh, and I am SICK TO DEATH of hearing the SAME fricking phrases ALL day. I feel like screaming at the moment. Just say something normal!!!
He did have a DS but he lost it. It either fell out of the car at some point or it was stolen from the car when I had some work done on it. But we can't afford to replace it atm My main hurdle I think is finding that key to calming him down because he just explodes with no real warning & thats it. nothing is going to calm him. He would destroy a tent, pull the wires out of head phones etc. WHen he gets that way you just have to stand back & take away things he could break.
Meow, I am also paranoid that my other boys (im going to have FOUR!) will all have the same problems. Glenn does. Displays in other ways but its there. Iain I think he is just Iain but he has a few things that make me wonder & I will be keeping an eye on it. Loves things on his head, seeks out sensory things on his head. He is very particular/neat freak that sort of thing. But he is a happy little guy so I think what I see I am reading too much into.
But Then we have this little guy still in my belly. Who's pregnancy landed smack in the middle of what turned out to be the most stressful time in my life. Then I read that article suggesting that increases the risk of an ASD. So I kinda feel like I am doomed & will be run off my feet with 4 ASD kids. That will be fun!
This is my first time in here and to be honest I don't know where to begin. My oldest DD Miss 5 has been having some issues for about a year or two. To be honest I cannot really pinpoint when it begun. It started with the seat belt (h harness) being too tight, touching her belly. We had screaming, hysterical fights all the way into daycare(20 min drive). It was horrible. Then it started with clothing, socks needing lumpy bits cut out, tags on clothing cut off, nothing touching her belly, no form fitted clothing. Then it started with shoes. And another prob is when she started school this year daycare forgot to pick her up three days in a row in her second week of school. So then the anxiety started and things got really bad. I also have anxiety issues so my anxiety was through the roof too and resulted in me seeking help.
I have held off till now in getting her help, DP and I just put it down to normal 'growing up' issues. But we (well mainly me) have come to the conclusion that this is not the norm. Screaming hysterical fits in the car over very trivial things (well trivial to us) are not something that should be happening. I look at my daughter and she is a bright confident little girl. So how could this happen?? Sounds so odd I know, but honestly I never ever thought she had sensory issues till someone mentioned it to me. I don't want to have her 'diagnosed' I just want to work through the sensory issues and help her. I honestly don't know what to do.
We walked into a supermarket the other day and she flipped out. She is normally so good in there. She said her shirt was not perfect and it felt funny and was itching her. It was a cotton tshirt. She flipped out crying and flapping her arms about. I didn't know what to do and told her off. Which I feel incredibly bad for now. But I think in that moment I realised, ok its time to seek some help from an OT.
Half the battle though is that DP knows something is not quite right and she doesn't do this all the time with him, mainly me. And he thinks she doesn't need help. Clearly we do need help, even if its just how to react when she does do this IYKWIM? Telling her off is not good, its not helping her and it stresses me out.
Sorry for the long post....have needed to get that all out.
you are NOT a terrible mum! We all have days like that. Also, you're only starting out on your journey to find the tools and understand the uniqueness of your son's condition, and at first there is a lot of hit and miss. What works one day might not work another, and unfortunately it takes time and experience to build your arsenal of tricks. It sounds like it is definitely over-stimulation from being at the shops. Outside didn't work this time, it's a better tool for when they are reacting to a lack of stimulus. Perhaps if it happens again, can you try to get your DH to do deep pressure (squishing him between two pillows) making a game out of it. Deep pressure is meant to be calming it might work better at times like that. Even a bear hug could help a lot. What you DH says about a fit is actually how I would describe it too. My DD used to fit for real and she has a very distinctive cry that she only makes after having one, and also after she has calmed down on the occasions when she has gone so off the handle that I've had to restrain her during some meltdowns.
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