I've just had an OT assessment done on DD2 after the school suggested she may have an auditory processing disorder. I googled & figured that there may be more going on than that & I go in for the findings of that assessment tomorrow.
While DD was having her assessment, the OT decided to flag DS for early childhood intervention.
I told DH this & he lost it. In his words 'it was too late for DD2, but you leave the boy out of it!'
I didn't get it. Until tonight I couldn't work out what on earth his problem was. I know he's just a little boy & that nothing is wrong with him, but what if there is? She would've said that for a reason.
He made it clear he didn't want DS talking to or seeing any doctors about this sort of stuff & to leave him alone.
Then I got why out of him. He doesn't want a child, specially not his only son, with problems. Now I get it.
He grew up with a special needs brother & saw how hard his life was every day. Our kids are no where near where his brother was, but I think its the label. He needs them to be just normal kids & that all normal kids do these things.
Now I feel bad. I know how he feels, because I feel the same way. I feel that once there's a diagnosis it becomes real. There's no going back. Its reality that this is how they will be for the rest of their lives & that things will always be that little bit harder for them.
I do get it, but my life is about doing what is best for my kids. Getting them any help they may need is whats best for them. To help them be the best they can be.
Can someone give me idea's on how to talk DH around? How to make him see that its not about our kids being labelled, but about them getting the help they need?
He feels that he will treat them different if there is something & he knows about it. He can say some hurtful things when he's in a foul mood. He doesn't think before he speaks & he can be really hurtful in the heat of the moment. I think he's worried about this. (TBH, I wonder about him too....)
Do I continue with what I'm doing & let him know? Do I do it & not tell him?
Sounds like fear to me..... He is just handling it in a different way to you. Your approach sounds practical, but doesn't mean you don't have the same feelings as him.... Maybe just explain that and then leave him with his own thoughts about it all.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk so sorry for mistakes!!
My H said maybe we should take videos of our son at his best to document everything he CAN do and show that to the doctors. He wants them to think he's okay. I had to explain how they need to see him at his worst. That the more severe the diagnosis, the more early intervention he gets access to.
He said he doesn't want a diagnosis just because it might make our son sound special. I explained it's all about access to resources. Nothing more. I said the diagnosis could stay on official forms and we could never tell our son, never tell our family and friends and it wouldn't make any difference. The diagnosis is just words. With or without it your child is still your child and will behave the way they do regardless. Nothing changes. Except you have a word to put on the official forms and a key to resources to help your child.
That seemed to help him. At this point in time we're hoping for a diagnosis and a huge stack of early intervention resources with the dream of mainstream school and this all becoming a distant memory.
Maybe the promise of keeping it a secret (for the short term at least) will help him. Make it an "Us & Them" thing? THEY say our child has "blah-blah" because that gets them through their working day, WE know our child is just doing their thing but oh look, we snagged some extra education for our kid so haha to them!
I'd be asking how ignoring issues will make his DS's life any better? Denying the white elephant in the room will in fact only make your DH's fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. If fear about his life being harder than normal is his true concern, then an early diagnosis and intervention is they way to stop that. But by all means, if he wants his son the suffer censure and self-esteem issues because he still has these problems years down the track when they are much harder to change and less socially acceptable, keep ignoring the signs.
And in the end, I defy anyone who says my child is not "normal". Yes, she's autistic - it's not like she has the plague (although you wouldn't know it with the way some people talk about it). While she has difficulty in some areas and needs help, there are also things about her where she excels and leaves other kids for dead. What is normal anyway? I know plenty of "normal" people that are absolute a$$hats, have no motivation and are mediocre at everything they do, and I know plenty of people that are not considered "normal" who are the most interesting, innovative, skilled, and sweetest people I've ever met.
I did explain to him that it was all just about helping the kids do their best & that thats all their was to it. He did change to 'just not yet, wait til I'm home'.
I'll leave it for now & see what happens today for DD2 (very nervouse).
Thanks for the input
Yes, alot of men have a hard time coming to terms that things aren't perfect. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, its just easier for us who see all sorts of different children and see the differences than it is for them who aren't out there all the time. My DH had a hard time, the psychologist asked him why and he said "I just want her to be perfect still" and she said "does this make her less than perfect?". His answer was "No, I just its just a different sort of perfection...." Its hard for them to work it out sometimes.
DH
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