How do you parent a child with anxiety? (long)

[BellyBelly]

Yup thats the one... check out Selective Mutism Group ~ Childhood Anxiety Network — Selective Mutism Group to see if you think it might be that. Has loads of great resources, books and info.

[skeetaboat]

Just when doing his bath, i realised another thing, he started screeching when dh took his socks off, screeching, he does this when something is "wrong". I always say "use words, talk to me". Finally he'll say it, and this time it was "theres fluff in my toes", it was a miniscule amount, and dh got it off. But he kept squealing, "its still there", it wasn't so dh says "its just a shadow" which we think it was because we couldn't see any more fluff. He wasn't happy until dh had over exaggerated wiping off so-called fluff... And i have to do this alot with other idiosyncracies...this is just one example. Does anyone elses child do this? its like over reacting.... i've found the quickest way to deal with it is just doing what he wants, like humouring him (you know wiping his feet again even though theres no fluff)... but i wonder if thats just "feeding" it?

My DS does this too sometimes (usually when tired). I have just been reading "self esteem: a family affair" by Jean Illsley Clarke. Jean calls this way of responding "marshmallowing", and she doesn't recommend it for building self esteem. The response she recommends is being nurturing, but matter of fact or structuring and protecting, ie "Yes, there is some fluff on your toe, but it won't hurt you" (nurturing) or "There is fluff on your foot. It won't hurt you, but if it is bothering you, I know you can think of a way to get it off" (structuring and protecting). Jean argues that marshmallowing sounds supportive but actually fosters dependence and suggests the person (child) can't solve the problem themself. It's quite a good book, highly recommend it.

Since reading it I tell DS "If you want me to help you, please dont ask like this <mimic his request using the same tone/whinging/screeching>, ask me in a nice voice like this <same request in pleasant voice>". That has helped immensely with communication when he gets upset like that. I have also stopped doing anything for him that he can do himself. This has been fantastic. Sometimes now, halfway through a screeching demand, he'll stop, think about what he needs to do to fix the problem, and go do it.

[Matryoshka]

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[mrsmac]

Reading about some of his traits like the fluff thing sounds like he may have some sensory issues, I am no expert but DS has them and I have been reading an awesome book called "The Out of sync child" which Christy lent me and a a lot of it has lightbulb moments for me.

I think you are a great mother, if you weren't yu would be ignoring this not working your butt off to help him.

[Matryoshka]

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[Matryoshka]

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[Matryoshka]

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[thepixie]

Sweetheart you know him best, you have seen all the behaviour you described in so much detail in your original post. You're his mum, in your heart you know something isn't right, and you believe that someone must be able to help him, and you.
Maybe you can say you just want to have him checked out and if nothing is wrong they will be proved right and it can all be forgotten. If he does need some kind of early intervention then at least he is on that pathway. I know that they are family but you and DH are his parents it's up to you to make the decisions that you believe are in his best interests. It doesn't mean you don't respect them, it just means you agree to disagree. Don't doubt yourself.

[MrsFabuloso]

HUGE HUGE hun.
I don't know that I will have much useful advice, but I will give you some of my experience/observations. I am a childcare worker. I worked with a little boy, D (who was 3 when I first started with him) who as diagnosed with a variety of anxiety and OCD issues. When I first started at this centre I was not aware he had issues with anything. Sure, he seemed a bit hypervigilant with things like his bag and people/children sitting too close, he stood back from play with his peers but would sit and play with things with me or another carer, he was very touchy-feely with myself and the other carer (I later found out because he liked us and felt safe with us, so wanted to be close, though to the point of invading our 'space'). There were other things I can't think of now, but he had some very similar issues as your son with anxiety.

D was very settled int he environment of our centre when I started there. He had been attending 3days a week for about 8mths by then. When I later read his personal file and doctors reports, I got the bigger picture. He had been seeing a therapist for a while, his father had severe anxiety and depression. His mum was overly protective because she wanted him to be happy and he was mostly happy with her. But now he was happy with us too. After lots of work and nurturing he was able to happily say goodbye to his mum and then tell her about his great day when he went home. Before he left last year, he had made a niche for himslef with 3 of his peers. He interacted with the group relatively well, he was able sit in the group at story time, have children sit close to him even if they weren't his 'best' friends. He could be away from me and the other carer for the majority of the time.
What I am trying to say is that with some help and time, this little boy was dealing with his anxiety. He was having fun, he had friends, he looked forward to coming to childcare.

I think YOU are the best judge of your son. You and your DH. Not your MIL. She may know him, but she doesn't know him inside out like you do. You also know the signs of anxiety. I think you know what is the right thing to do. And you know what even if you do take him to a therapist of some sort, they can tell you yes or no. Yes he needs more help from a professional, or no he doesn't need help, you're doing a great job! As you said these people are professionals, they won't make matters worse and they can ease your worries, either way.

[StrawberryMumma]

Oh sweety
MILs seem to always have a way of making silly comments Be strong honey, and like thepixie says don't doubt yourself..you have no reason to hun. You are a beautiful caring mummy x

[BellyBelly]

If it is SM, you should never pressure, bribe or force them to talk. It only makes the anxiety to perform worse.

If you can get to a library or get a copy of the selective mutism book sooner to have a read and see if that might be it, sounds like there are some signs there. I didn't go to a psychiatrist at all, just a child psychologist. Be wary of the push for meds. They don't need it. Unfortunately sometimes they need time to get through this, now my daughter is 8 she is starting to initiate conversations with confidence to people she knows, family friends and family members. The best thing I did was work on how I was coping with it as it made it worse. You dont want them to see their behaviour causing you more anxiety... acceptance of what is, is so important. Ignore the others. I had loads of family and friends tell me SM was a joke, just shyness or I should push her to get on with it. I'd much rather help my child develop comfortably and well, than push when I shouldn't and mess them up or drag it out.

[skeetaboat]

I agree with thepixie.. you know him best and you've described in detail some behaviors that are causing concern. There is NO harm in seeking out professional advice about how to help him through it! (I agree with Bellybelly that it's wise to be wary of meds. I think this is a learning curve rather than a chemical one). Maybe your MIL is a bit defensive - that seems like a "there's nothing wrong with MY genes, it must be YOUR parenting!" kind of reaction.

My mum is a wonderful support person, always helping out with the children etc. Often we don't see eye to eye on things and she makes sly comments, so there are some things that I just don't share with her any more. That works well for me. What she doesn't know, she can't get offended about, hehe!! Maybe that could work for you too since MIL is one of your only support persons.

it sounds like you've had a real battle with PND. I'm sure as you climb up out of it, you'll see some changes in your son too. It probably has been a bit difficult for him (which is in NO WAY YOUR FAULT), but things will get better. Is the support/treatment you're getting for your PND helping you? How are you going with it now?

Don't take her comments on board. They're not helpful and therefore best ignored.

[Matryoshka]

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[thepixie]

Well done, Tan it sounds like you have handled the MIL situation perfectly. I can see that it was a knee jerk reaction on her part, not wanting to believe anything is wrong with her grandson! Completely understandable. And as far as how you're managing his behaviour, well you are just doing the best you can with everything you know about it. Hopefully the doctors can help you get to the bottom of it, so that you can find strategies that are really tailored to what he is going through - once you know what that is.
As for why he doesn't trust you - I really don't think that is it. I think he does trust you - look at how he relates to others and then compare it to the way he relates to you, you are probably the ONLY person in the world he does trust. It's just that his base level of trust is very different from the norm.
I really hope you can get some answers so that you can stop doubting yourself and see that you really are doing a great job in a very difficult situation

[Matryoshka]

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