How do you parent a child with anxiety? (long)

[Matryoshka]

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[Olive]

wow huge post!!

firstly i dont think that gentle parenting him has made him the child he is, id say it really is just who he is, what if you didnt gentle parent him? he'd still be the same and you'd probably question yourself more. it sounds like he really needs to see someone, someone who deals with kids and anxiety, they should be able to help you with way inwhich to deal with this, i think the sooner the better, does he have to start kindy next year?? can you ease him in to it??

[2CheekyMonkeys]

i agree, sounds like you may need to seek some outside help. Gp first off to get a referral elsewhere. at the very least a professional will be able to give you some ideas on how to handle specific situations, create short and long term plans and give you some support.

good on you for being such a great mummy, it sounds like you are doing everything right but you just need someone to give you some further ideas and suggestons.

[MamaPan]

i dont have any advice but read the whoel post and wanted to say what a wonderful and caring mum you are. best of luck... xxx

[mrsmac]

I read the whole post and i really feel for you. I don't think your parenting has affected his behaviours, all children are different even those with the same parents.

I don't know where you are but Maquarie Uni in sydney runs special clinics and groups for anxious children, I have had a boy in my class go and it really helped.
I would try to contact a university near you for advice. I have a friend who works at maquarie in that area I can ask her if there are similar things in other states if you like??

[BellyBelly]

I can't write much now, a friend is over, but my daughter has selective mutism, it was diagnosed when she was 3 and it's like she's been that way since birth. She was very high need/clingy/maintainance. It is an anxiety and it is very hard to deal with it as a parent. There is a book called 'Nurturing the Shy Child,' which is apparently a great book. I have bought it but not read it, as I read other books specific to selective mutism, but all were recommendations from the selective mutism org website. I definitely recommend finding a GOOD clinical child psych to help you through. Its good for you as well as the child.

I wrote an article about SM and my journey - which was very tough. My mother thinks I caused her SM. It hurt at the time but I know better and my psychologist reassured me too. My son doesn't have it and I parented him the same way. We all have a tendency to have certain traits and characteristics, anxiety is one of them and runs through my family.... my grandmother, me, and I think more than they realise...

Selective Mutism: When There's More To It Than 'Being Shy'

[fionas]

I think you're being so patient and really doing a fabulous job. Please, please, please don't beat yourself up about this.

I can be a very anxious person myself and I know it must be very distressing to see these traits in your boy because anxiety is a terrible thing. But I agree with the others that I really don't think it's your parenting.

After having DD, I really think they, to a large extent, come out with whatever personality they're meant to have. I barely got out of the house for the first 18 months after DD was born and she really wasn't around many people/other babies and yet, she's very outgoing. My sister and I are like chalk and cheese yet we were parented by the same parents in exactly the same way.

And please don't feel guilty about the separation following the birth. I barely held my daughter for the first two hours after she was born and I really don't see any signs that it has affected her in any way.

I think you've done all you can for the moment and it's time, as the others have said, to seek some more professional help.

As you probably know yourself, when it comes to seeking help it's not really a science. You'll get good advice and bad advice so go with your gut as to what suits your boy the most.

I wish you all the very best and am in total awe of how patiently and gracefully you've handled the situation so far. It seems to me that you've turned out to be a pretty good person and even if your son does have anxiety issues, if he's also inherited your goodness then the world and the people in it will be a better place for having him around.

[thepixie]

Tan, it must be hard seeing this in your son knowing how it has affected your own life. I am not sure if there is much I can say to help but there are a couple of things that come to mind.
First my DD was also not breathing when she was born, and taken away for 20 mins while they worked to get her breathing. After a quick kiss and photo on my chest she was whisked away to NICU where she spent the next 40 or so hours. She is far from anxious, a robust, independent, cheeky girl so I seriously doubt that what happened immediately after L's birth caused him to be this way.
As far as whether you have made him this way through your parenting, I know a member's DD who has been parented in a very similar way to L - cosleeping, almost always in a sling, BF on demand etc and again, she is not anxious, she has a sense of inner security you can see it in her face - she looks like the cat that got the cream . So I really don't think it is your parenting. I agree with PPs that if you had dealt with him differently if anything his anxiety might if anything be worse.
As for L and A being so different I think they are just inherently very different personalities.
I agree with the PPs - have him properly assessed as it sounds as though he will need support to begin school next year, and hopefully your GP or Paed can point you in the right direction.
You've given it a huge amount of thought and will have heaps to tell your doctor to explain exactly what the problem is, so I hope they can find the right support to help you both.