Negative comments from family

[Swoop]

Hi all,

My MIL is staying with us at the moment and the other night she said to me that she thought that BLS was cruel and she feels sorry for my DD that she will have to go through all that frustration. She said that DD needs something in her to fill her up and then she would sleep better (for the last few nights she's been going to bed at 7pm and going right through to 6am, although she does typically only sleep about 40 mins at a time during the day, which I'm fine with) and would be better tempered (she's generally a happy little soul who just cries when she needs something and doesn't like getting to sleep much).

MIL is generally a pleaser and rarely speaks honestly so she must've felt really strongly to speak up and I was a bit taken aback. She'd also made comments earlier in the day about whether I was sure my milk was enough because DD had been fussing while she fed as she was trying to do a poo. I really struggled with BF to begin with so really don't appreciate those type of comments, so once she started attacking my choices to do BLS I ended up getting very upset and really bit back. I asked her what reasoning she had and she couldn't give any. I also explained that I don't want to fill her tummy up with bulky stuff when BM is the best nutrition for her now. My DH stuck up for what we're planning to do but also sat on the fence a bit to keep his mum happy.

Afterwards DH said to me that it's better to just smile and nod, and that I'm bound to get questions as we're doing something that's off the conventional path. We're only offering hard veggies/fruit once every 2-3 days at the moment, but I'm loathed to do it while she's still here and I still feel a bit angry and upset. I feel confident in my decisions, and the reasoning behind them but I'm also dreading any more conversations like this and don't know if it's better to just smile and nod or to explain why.

I'm sure some of you will have faced similar situations already and just wondered how you handle them.

[~me~]

You sound like you are doing wonderul job with the BLS.
What you have explained sounds perfect to me..DD sleeping at night is an excellent indication everything is going well.
The fussing while trying to trying to do a poo also sounds normal especially if she is trying solids.
It's so easy to second guess what you are doing when someone says different..trust your judgement, you are doing a wonderful job.
Perhaps try and explain to MIL things have changed quite a bit since she had babies and you are following your instincts and Health guidlelines, in the nicest possible way
Lots of facts you can show her from government websites and independant websites as well, perhaps try and give her some light reading while she is visiting

Good luck

x Heather

[briggsy's girl]

can you get any hand outs about the benefits of BLS that you can show her? we can all go into detail about the benefits, but we're just "people", not authorities, so your MIL is highly unlikely to understand or trust in what we say

realistically, BLS is, as you know, better than conventional "puree" feeding your bubba - they choose when and how much goes in - they're bodies only take what they need and can handle and only when they're ready.

i am a HUGE fan of BLS - my bubba has been eating solids for lessthan 3 months and alreayd has a better, more diverse diet than her older cousins that started out with pureed foods

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

My son started himself on BLS and is the best eater in the whole wide world! He only won't eat courgette and aubergine. Everything else he at least tastes. (Lettuce isn't a top food either, but gets tasted.)

I was told that BLS was cruel and would kill my son - by my mother. Then again, BFing was supposed to kill me and co-sleeping was supposed to kill DS. Oh dear, we're still alive. Pureeing was a fad of the last century. How did babies learn to eat before this fad? Oh yes, BLS was alive and well for millennia before the food processor.

[briggsy's girl]

if it helps, you can use my DD as an example - from 6 to 8 months she put on 1.8kg on breast milk and BLS - she definitely was NOT starving!

tonight for dinner she ate almost a full potato (decent size), three quarters of a lamb steak, and a decent spoonful of tomato/onion/zucchini cooked together. this was after a biscuit and teething rusk late this afternoon. two days ago, her teeth were hurting, so she had little more than breast milk and yogurt - everything else was refused. she knows what she wants, she eats what she wants - and she is a very happy and healthy bubba!

and the best bit - she enjoys eating with us! she eats the same as us, and eats so damn well. the only thing she isn't keen on is boiled spud (it gets stuck a bit) - and, surprisingly, mashed veg!!

[Artechim]

My mum politely asked if we were up to date with CPR courses because we were going to choke DS by feeding him real food. Grrrr.

[*TripleJ*]

MIL is the same at chrissy she mushed up some food after he already ate oh he hasnt had enough food well yes he has coz he isnt eating anymore grrr

[MantaRay]

It's very frustrating isn't it? I guess it must be hard sometimes for our parents, ILs etc to watch us do things differently to the way they were told to do things and not feel as though they should help out with advice. But it really isn't helpful and leaves us feeling unsupported.

I agree with the suggestion to find some literature - the ABA website might be a good place to start, also Gill Rapley's site. Sometimes having something "scientific" or "medical" to back you up gives you credibility.

At the end of the day though, you will be respected for your decisions when you are the one at family get togethers with the healthy child who eats everything the adults do, while the other kids throw tanties to get a special meal or refuse to eat their vegies

Hang in there hun. You are doing a great job!!

[~Kim~]

everyone gets to have a say in our children....NOT. Yep it sucks. I've had it from the ILs (who regularly question my BFing and what we feed the kids - uhuh I'm going to take nutritional advise from someone who weighs ever 200kgs), my Mum, my girlfriends even.
For a while I questioned my plan when even my friends knocked it, but then I thought about why I was doing it. I went back to the facts, and I was glad I found this site.
It is hard to smile and nod but that's probably the non contact type way to deal with it. I totally agree with BG. Do you have any handouts from the MCHN you could show her? Maybe an online fact sheet?

Same as BG, my two are the best little eaters.....how many one year olds do you know will eat pad thai and come back for more?
I don't have to worry about all that preparation rubbish and separate meals and their diet is so much more varied than babies who get baby food.

Hang in there babe.

[Swoop]

Thanks girls, I feel a bit better just for having so much positive feedback from you all

I did show her Gill Rapley's book, but that was a while before all her comments, at the time she said it sounded good but as I said, she's a pleaser and she obviously just said it to keep me happy at the time. I will have a look around to see what else there is though to show her.

She was of the generation that gave their babies carnation milk so it's not really any wonder that my ideas on infant nutrition are so hard for her to understand - they are a world away from what she knew.

I haven't talked to the MCHN about BLS - I haven't been for ages as DD was seeing doctors regularly enough for all her weight checks and the early childhood centre always seems so busy it's near impossible to get in.
I'm a bit nervous what they'll say about it given what some of you have said on here!

Thanks again, I'm so glad I found this forum, the only other person I know who did BLS is my best friend, who's on the other side of the world, so it does feel a bit like I'm the only one doing this at times - it's great to read about how well you are all doing.

[briggsy's girl]

hun, dont' worry abotu the MCHN - if you don't want to go and have no need, then don't. a lot of them "tow the line" on what is suggested - but there are a few good ones out there! mine was fantastic - i told her i wanted to introduce food using BLS methods - and she said it was refreshing to hear someone embracing it and letting DD guide us. she said BLS was the best sort of "lazy parenting" as it got your kidlet into sharing the family meal straight away. i have had no negativity from her about it at all

i only go to see her to get DD weighed and measured - everything else i'll go to the gp for

[Jennifer13]

Balmaingal, I think it's important that YOU feel confident in what you're doing for your DD, explain it to her like you have, and move on. The best evidence you'll be able to give her is in time, your DD didn't choke, thrives and is less likely to be a fussy eater.

I know in our family, my MIL only has one other granddaughter, whose parents started her on rice cereal at 4 mths. We have respectfully told MIL why we didn't do that and why we don't think it's a good idea, but we'll let the outcome prove our point. I sincerely hope that my niece doesn't have eating issues, but on the other hand, I very much doubt she'll be feeding herself butter chicken and rice at 11 mths of age like our DD was! The proof is in the pudding, as they say.

Your DH is right, smile and nod, and move on. It won't be the last time someone has a say about your parenting practices that you don't agree with.

[jackrose]

Reading your opening post I kept thinking, what a great job you are doing and that you had all the right information right there in your post!

I don't want to fill her tummy up with bulky stuff when BM is the best nutrition for her now

she's been going to bed at 7pm and going right through to 6am

DD had been fussing while she fed as she was trying to do a poo.

I asked her what reasoning she had and she couldn't give any.

I feel confident in my decisions, and the reasoning behind them

- ultimately this is the perfect reason to keep it up!!

I am so sorry she has caused you to doubt yourself as you really seem happy and on the right track. Fear and ignorance can be very powerful and negative reasons people will give you such negative feedback, so remember that that is all it is from your MIL.

As for the smile and nod approach, you certainly can do this as in the end her opinion is just that, but keep in mind that if you do this, you could be setting yourself up for more criticism of your parenting ideas later down the track. It may not be worth the energy at the moment or you may find that in these early days, you are in the perfect position to lay it on the line now. We are doing what we have decided is best for our child. We are well researched, and believe strongly in these decisions. We appreciate your opinion based on your experiences, but if you would like to read more about what we are doing so you can catch up to our philosophies, we can direct you to some fabulous resources!!

FWIW, I went BLS also, (Probably obvious given my response here ) and I did have the naysayers. My DD developed excellent eating habits, amazing fine motor skills early on, was handling spoons and forks like a pro way early, managed her own food intake incredibly well, learnt to chew and masticate a lot earlier than other babies, was never and has never been overly fussy with food, really seemed to love the independence her BLS offered her, never got frustrated and really embraced the ABA mantra - food is for fun, until they are one!

All the best, BLS really is a fun journey. I am sorry you are doing it on your own, make sure you join the BLS thread here so you can share stories with other mothers who are on the same journey. And keep up the good work!!!

ETA: WRT the MCH, mine was not supportive . I found it so infuriating that she was just parroting the official line and had not appeared to have read or understood anything about BLS. I just confirmed my approach with more reading on the subject and by watching my DD thrive

[Megan]

Balmaingal, I have a BLS handout if you would like me to email it to you.

Honestly, you could have been writing about my MIL because we've had all those comments too. It is so frustrating. You're confident in your decision to do BLS so I think you need to show her that. Don't hide it from her while she's around. If you show her you know what you're doing, you have researched and educated yourself maybe she wont judge your choices in the future.

As for your MCHN, there's no need to tell her if you don't want to. I didn't in the beginning, simply because I didn't feel I could cope with being shot down for my choices yet again.

As a lot of previous posters have said, BLS has been fantastic for DS. He eats a large variety of foods and his fine motor skills have developed so quickly that I can really see the difference between him and the other babies in my mothers group. He loves meal time, and we all eat together so it's a special family time.

Good luck

[Swoop]

Thanks for all the encouraging words

Megan - I would love a copy of the handout. I'll PM you my email address. Thanks very much for that.

The MIL has done a bit of an about turn since our conversation, telling me how healthy DD looks, how well she's growing, and that the BM is clearly 'working'. She also sat with us yesterday while DD gnawed on some cucumber and rock melon and seemed ok about it, but she's hard to read as she just says what she thinks you want to hear most of the time, so I'm still going to give her the info.

Cheers for all your support and thoughts on what to do, it's really helped.

[~clover~]

I just have to agree with the smile & nod suggestion from your husband. Over time your MIL will see the benifits, but if you get upset it will just cause you stress you don't need.
I never had anyone question the way I fed DS when we did baby led solids. They were all amazed instead that at 13 months old he was feeding himself every spoonfull while my cousin at 4 was still being spoon fed every bite
My MIL was actually the one who kind of started me off on it with DD1. Giving her toast for breakfast. I only did it part time with her & DD2, but thats where it started & thats where the confidence came to do it full time with DS. While my girls are still kind of fussy, he will eat almost anything! If he's not sure, I'll just show him that I eat it & thats enough to get him to taste it. 99% of the time he loves it
Its also how we found out he has a slight allergy to tomatoes when he was younger. It was alot easier to pin point what it was.

FWIW from 12 or 13 months, while most people were supportive, my parents & IL's & some of their friends thought DS was old enough to stop BFing. That I needed to break the habit to give me a break etc. I just smiled & nodded & kept going with my decision & at over 23 months I'm only just weaning him coz I'm pregnant again & it was getting too painful. If it wasn't for that we'd have been doing the self weaning

[Swoop]

Megan: I tried to send you a message with my email address in but my access is blocked - presumably because I'm too new to BB.

MIL has gone home now, we parted on ok terms, she told me she'd been telling her sister (who was a nurse) all about BLS and she thought it was great, so maybe that was her peace offering. I didn't manage to show her any more info as we've just moved house and haven't managed to set the printer up yet, but judging by DD's enthusiasm it won't take very long at all for the evidence to speak for itself

[Dido]

My MIL has been hounding me about stopping breastfeeding from when DD was 6 weeks old as she should be on the bottle and her first meal (at 6 weeks old) should be ICECREAM! I have become very good at smiling and nodding and only giving one word responses to her opinions.

Sometimes IL's just know better!
HA HA