Just tell her that it isn't acceptable behaviour and you will not accept it - and you will not visit her until you can see that she will abide by your rules about smoking near your children.
It may not be easy for you, but TBH what's the worst that can happen? She ignores you completely? So your children are not around smoke, nor around someone who shows them that it's OK to ignore what Mummy wants.
How can anyone smoke in their home? Yuk! And I used to be a smoker!
My DH smokes and I am always nagging him about it. Even after he comes inside the smell just floods the whole house for ages. He is not allowed in bed if he hasn't showered because the smell sticks to the sheets, it makes me gag. We have spoken about when this baby is born and I have already told him that he may as well quit because he will never be holding his own child. mean , but I need to get the msg across. So I came home the other night with a box of nicotine patches. FX it works, he wants to give up too.
I would just be as stubborn as possible, without making a big deal. Just simple orders like "no, you've had a smoke" when she wants a hold etc.
You are not being unreasonable at all. We had similar rules when DD1 was born. Unfortunately my Dad couldn't accept them and saw them as a personal attack on him (apparently by changing his short often smoking and washing his hands we were trying to make him into a 'fake' person). In the end he decided not to be a part of our lives anymore (yep, he felt that strongly about it.....). Stick with your instincts. They are your kids and you choose how you want them to be parented.
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