OK, I dunno where I should post this, maybe in the rant room, but I'm not sure so here goes.
Sadly it's 4 am and I've been awake since 2 am (dd needed feeding) - no prob with feeding her, but can't get back to sleep, and am listening to the silent minutes ticking b y as she sleeps one of the best nights we've had in a long time.
Today, got told by CHN that I probably have serious PND. Obviously, no-one wants that, but if I have it, I have it & want to get all the help I need, BUT, I don't think I've got it, or if I do, not so seriously. I think I'm having trouble coping & do have some anxiety issues at the moment, but I don't want for 'me' to be seen as the sole problem. Now I've had time to reflect on lots of the questions I was asked, I don't think that I gave her an accurate picture of some issues, like appetite, fatigue etc. Unfortunately, lots of these questions were asked when I was upset because DD wouldn't go to sleep (again) and I hadn't been able to get some breakfast, because of her & the disaster in the kitchen which I didn't get to the night before because I went to bed (tired & slept). OK, I know I'm awake now, but it's because AF is about to visit - lucky me (I always get like this when stressed) and because I'm so stressed about being told I have a problem and that I probably need medication & help. I have no problem with the help at all, but SO don't want medication, and don't necessarily think I need it. Ironically, I suspect I WOULD spiral into a major depression if I have to have it, because I'm bfing my dd, and no way do I want to wean (we've come thru too much already) and no way do I want drugs, because there is autism in my family and I feel that I don't want toxins to be leached onto her.
The other thing is that my 6 mo daughter, who you could set the clock by when she was first born, and up to 3 months - settled, slept well, going better than the textbook on night sleeping - has become progressively worse since then.
She's awake needing the dummy lots of the night, and at least 1 or 2 feeds. I totally don't mind the feeding - she needs it, and they are the best feeds we have - she's too distracted to eat properly. The dummy gets me. Oh how I sometimes regret giving her one. But I know it helped her at the time. Then she's up from 4.30 am onwards. After that feed I usually can't get her back to sleep for long, more than 30 min, and that's usually after lying listening to her squealing & giggling next to me for some time before I try patting her off (sometimes works, sometimes not). so taht's hardly conducive to me making up for some lost sleep.
We've had Breast refusal issues since 10 wks of age, which have gradually resolved, but we still have to sit in a dark, quiet place, with me absolutely still to try to get her to feed reasonably well.
DD has done record lack of sleeping during the day lately. 40 minutes (in total) today. 45 minutes yesterday - & I spent 1.5 hrs getting her to sleep. And all the strategies I used to use don't work any more, so I don't know what to do. We got sent on a sleep & settling course - & have been doing all the right things, and got no new ideas "just keep using your settling techniques' - well, they're not working, so what else can I do? So on a good day, I might get 30 min to myself, after battling with her for up to an hour. More often than not, I'm giving up on getting her to sleep. It's not working any way. If she just didn't need the sleep I wouldn't mind if she was up all day, but the poor kid is so tired, and I'm getting so stressed with the groundhog day of 'baby tired, put baby to bed, baby wired, spend an hour settling her, give up, get baby up'. And because we were so good about following all the 'settling rules' she won't go to sleep in my arms because she wants her bed. Thank goodness I actually 'broke' those rules & took her to bed with me occasionally so she's used to it & will sometimes sleep there.
So, of course I'm losing confidence. I haven't had enough sleep for 6 months, and it's been worse for the last 3 (I'm someone who normally needs around 10 hours) - I knew that was par for the course, but it's tough that it's gotten worse, not better. And now I can't even get some time to nap / time out / get anything done / get my planning for work done during the day.
DH used to give me a break by giving her a bottle of EBM on weekends mornings, but we can't do that any more because she won't take a bottle any more, and altho she can & will drink water from a cup won't take milk.
Of course, I can't concentrate - I'm not getting enough sleep or time in any kind of block to concentrate on getting anything done (after I've finished the desperate run for some food once she is either asleep, or at least in her cot - crying,)
When we are any where other than home (i.e. pram, away, someone else's house) she's even worse at sleeping.
The strategies that have always worked for her, aren't working any more.
We also may possibly have some issues with food intolerance, so I'm trying to avoid a whole stack of food. (another thing to mess with my head). After being reassured not to worry about her smelly poos/wind, I've finally taken her to the paediatrician to find out it could be a cows milk protein intolerance or something ... who knows what ... so now investigating, ruling out any infections and going off dairy. I'm really happy to do this if it helps her. But it's one more thing. I also think a lot of her unsettled sleep has to do with this issue from talking to other mums & just gut instinct, but I need help from people who know a bit more about it than me, or who can help me solve the gut problem so she can sleep.
I also have chronic pain with tenosynovitis (both wrists) and an old hip problem that I don't have time to go see the physio about again, and don't want to take too many painkillers for because I don't want it affecting her.

It doesn't help that everyone looks at her - beautiful, happy, content and says ' well you must be doing a good job, look how happy she is, what a good baby, you have nothing to worry about" - Ok, i'll take a little credit for that, we don't let her cry & have always responded to her needs & are very fortunate that she's a content soul who doesn't cry a lot - but that makes me feel like more of a failure for not coping very well, as she's still hard work altho she doesn't look like it.

So as you can see, I've got a stack of the markers of PND, but I don't think it's that clear cut. I'm really happy & keen to get help for me, but at the moment, I'd just like some help sorting out her day so that I can have some routine & time out for me. Whether that be with her awake or asleep - I can do either, but I just don't know what to do any more.

What I really need now is someone to come to the house and help me figure out what to do with her. I was going well getting thru the stresses & learning of having a little baby, until things stopped working.
We're booked into Karitane soon, which I was very nervous about, because I'm just not letting her cry it out, in any form. I don't agree with it and it won't work for her anyway, she just gets more upset if you don't go to her. But now I'm hoping that they'll respect that (I've heard encouraging things) and at least I'll get someone with me to watch her, and see what's going on for her and make some more suggestions for me. The other option I'm being encouraged to take is to go to a PND MOther/Baby Unit (which does sound fantastic) & get help. but I'm concerned that then it will be me focused on (and yes, I could use some help), but none of DD's issues, and I just feel so sure that something is not right with her.

And now I'm afraid that any attempt on my part to explain that actually I do have an appetite, and I do sleep (I just don't get much chance), and I'm exhausted because I have a massive sleep debt that's not being made up at all, will just be interpreted as my rationalising my depression. I guess I'm just really afraid of being pushed down a pathway of medication &/or weaning which I just don't want.

I'm going to ring up CHN team tomorrow & try to have a talk with someone, but I just needed to get it off my chest, because I can't see the same nurse til Monday to explain things more.

sorry for the long rant, and sorry if any of this is inappropriate, I just needed to get it out. If anyone's got any encouragement or suggestions I could sure use it right now.