AARGH I need some encouragement - long sorry

[Ezz]

Just a couple of thoughts...

Firstly - it sounds like you are coping with a lot at the moment.

Karitane should be ok. Pretty sure they are not advising CC - when I took DS (at 3 weeks) they showed me settling techniques - but not crying. Having someone else in the room to watch what is happening can be so helpful.

Have you tried getting your DD to sleep in a sling? Often if I put DS in the Hug-A-Bub and go for a walk, he will fall asleep (I do need to put a muslin wrap over the top so he can't see out).

Definitely sounds like you could do with a break - I second Trish's advice to get a little time out - see if DH/Mum/MIL/friend can mind her for a couple of hours between feeds while you rest, or catch-up on some housework (whatever makes you feel better - I find I'm happier if my house is clean, even if I'm tired ).

If you don't have someone to mind DD, maybe you could try taking her for a walk in the pram? DS used to hate the pram - but we've been going for long walks in the afternoons & enjoys it now (and even drops off to sleep from time to time!). I feel so much better when I've had some sunshine & mild exercise (which are natural "blues busters").

Finally, no-one can force you to wean & go on medication. Is there someone you trust/respect who you can talk about your options with? (eg. your GP??). If it were me, I'd try all other avenues before going down the medication path (time out, exercise, eating well, chatting with friends, counselling, Karitane, etc) - especially since that's not where you want to go.

[Jus]

Thank you so much girls for letting me get that off my chest. I went back to bed so much more relaxed (in time for DD to wake & want feeding!). Then we both (eventually) fell asleep til 8 which was lovely.

I was elated when I actually got her to fall asleep this morning (only 20 min, but that's still better than not) by staying relaxed & having a back-up plan if it didn't work.

When she did wake I took her out for a walk - I just love walking & it keeps me sane, but I haven't done it much because I've been waiting to be less sleep deprived. After your encouragement, have decided to walk every day no matter how I feel. It also kept Ella entertained for a while. She was asleep with her eyes open the poor kid, but at least she & I were both happy.

I used all your suggestions today! We called MIL who was so happy to help - I think she's been waiting to be asked, so not just good for me, but good for Ella & good for family relationships all round. She & FIL did heaps to help, not least cuddling DD who really was quite grumpy by then. MIL sent us off to bed this arvo & did a few more things. Just good to have someone else there really.

Have rung CHN & had a good talk with one of the nurses, explaining that I don't really think it's (severe) PND, but lots of stress/anxiety (which I do need to get better at handling) because of all the things going on, and that what I need right now is help to figure out what to do with Ella. She was very helpful, affirming & gave a few more good suggestions & encouragement. I really do live in an area of an amazing local health system.

I can't thank you enough for giving me some tips on some good coping strategies. I'm thinking of sticking them over the cot so when I start getting sterssed about not-sleeping I don't feel so hemmed in.
I really appreciate the good feedback about Karitane. They say they don't do controlled crying any more, but I was still a little nervous, so it's great to hear a good report. Even if I just get a little bit of a break that will help.

Thank you again girls, I just can't tell you how much reading your posts this morning helped to change the course of today!

[Trish]

Aww Jus I am so glad to be able to help you out. And I am glad that you are in a better frame of mind and feeling more positive.

Good on your IL's for coming around to help out. And good on you for getting out into the fresh air with bub.

Hugs for you huni. This is one positive day in the right direction.

Oh and I love your idea of printing up some ideas to put on the wall. A few affirmations around is a great idea

[Jac]

Jus - just wanted to let you know that when my baby (now 14mths) was 6mths old he sounded exactly like your little girl. Terrible day sleeper, bit better at night but still often difficult to get back to sleep after a night feed, often awake bewteen 3-5am trying to settle. It was dreadful and I can totally understand how you feel. Some babies can be put to bed with little fuss and stay there for hours in the day and that just amazes me. I too thought my DS had some digestive issues although we didn't end up totally identifying what it was (other than reflux which was resolved around 6-7mths age). Anyway, it was a loooooong first year for us. Things picked up markedly around 9-10mhs of age. By 12mths I started to finally enjoy my baby and now things are just fantastic. He now sleeps 13hrs uninterrupted overnight and one nap for about 90mins during the day - bliss! It took a long time to get there and TBH I think for us it was just an age related issue (he got 8 teeth between 5-9mths of age). YOU WILL GET THERE. I believe I felt like you (not coping) while going through this but I did not have PND. If your DD's sleep issues were resolved do you think you would have PND? If not, then I personally doubt you have it as sleep issues and settling a baby for hours on end is torturous IMO. Anyone doing this would feel they were not coping. Please keep letting us know your thoughts and how you are going.

[Lana]

Hi Jus

I can really relate to your story. My baby is almost 12 mths. He has been a terrible sleeper and we went and did a residential stay for 7 nights at a Mother Baby unit which was great to give me a break. The sleep deprivation is shocking. My MHCN also suggested I might be suffering from PND and that I attend at PND support group. I didn't think I had PND but it was just a combination of adjusting to parenthood, exhaustion and the constant daily sleeping battles getting me down. The interesting thing once I started going to the group was it confirmed that I wasn't suffering from PND or if I was it was very mild compared to the issues and experiences that the other women were talking about. It was still useful though to talk about parenting issues and strategies to deal with anxiety.

The other thing the group made me realise in relation to the sleeping battle was it was more to do with him than me. I could do the same thing for 3 days in a row and get three different results. Being able to distance myself a bit helped. It's not about me, it's about him. I would give him an opportunity to sleep, if he choose not to take that opportunity my cut off was 30 mins. He would still be tired so I would take him out in the pram and if he was really tired he would sleep if not he wouldn't. Then we would start again in the afternoon. If I kept going longer than 30 mins I would get angry and upset so would he. Having a cut off of 30 mins took the pressure off. It also allowed me to start enjoying time with him more instead of carrying on feeling irriatated by the sleeping issues.

Sounds like you are starting to put some good things in place to help you through this very difficult time. It can't last forever eventually they will grow up and move out of home Good luck!

[~Kim~]

Oh Jus, you poor love. What you typed at 4 something this morning could have come from me at that stage.
I did the same as you though. Made it a priority every day to go for a walk. Improved my general mood no end.

Lana also gives fantastic advice and in hindsight is what happend to us, we just didn't see it.
I had an epiphany at around 7 months. My world was caving in just because of basic sleep deprivation. When I decided to step back and do what Darcy needed, not what everybody said she needed - it got easier. I laid with her, I co-slept, i wore her in a sling. I have spent many hours holding a hand next to a cot. At first it was a pain, but then I started to think about that time differently. Now I meditate or read if I'm stuck next to her bed. Like animals they take their emotional reading off you and if you're stressed - they're stressed. Finding my zen helped my bubba find hers.
Unfortunately my PND and OCD got worse, but at least I was getting some sleep.
I didn't want to take drugs either (different reasons to you though - i'm a cop and they would have taken my gun away - preserving my work persona was my last peice of normality in my world at that stage). I worked really hard with a community health counsellor and with the walking was able to get my life back under control.

I believe you can do it too. Ask to speak with a counsellor if you feel you need to - even if it's to verify that you don't have PND.
Belive in you. You are a great mum doing all the right things.

[Lolli]

Oh Jus you poor thing I know how hard it's been for you and you have all my sympathy and support. Just for the record- and i like to think that having seen you in person and having a social work degree I'm a reasonably good judge of this- I really don't think you have PND and you are, as you said, just sleep deprived, stressed and exhausted.
I know what you mean about people saying 'oh she's such a good baby' and feeling bad because you are not feeling like you're coping- I get the same thing with Ty and I think to myself 'lots of people have it worse than me- am I just feeling sorry for myself?' and as I've said to you, it's all relative- Ella was an exceptionally easy baby for weeks there and now you are going through this it's so hard because it's new- if it had been like this the whole time you'd either be in an asylum or really blas'e about it by now ykwim? You are doing a fantastic job and doing what you can and being an amazing, selfless, kind, caring and compassionate mum- better than to be expected at the moment!!
Trust your gut instinct with Ella's health. It might be one of those things that resolves itself before you even find out what it is but give yourself a pat on the back for having the instinct and trying to find out what it is.
Going for a walk's a really good idea- always cheers me up. Speaking of, if you want some walking company come knock on my door- I'm always up for it and I might even get a sleep out of Ty!!
Also, if you ever need some help or just someone to have a coffee (or some kind of dairy and caffeine free beverage and a chat and a cry with, I'm here for that too. Tony can take Ty in the arvos, he's home early, and I'd be more than happy to sit with Ella for a while while you get stuff done or do it for you- I'm a suprisingly good and quick house keeper
I'm here if you need me. I know you've got heaps of support but I'm just throwing my hat in the ring too- too much support is not a bad thing.
In the meantime, huge hugs for you. Please know that you are a fantastic mum, Ella is a beautiful bubs with her own distinct personality and you are doing the very best job you can.