The maternal grandmother has NO right to be more involved than the paternal. It isn't a grandparent's turn to star when their daughter has children. A good grandparent can be the man's parent.
Sorry, your last comment irritated me a lot and I'm not going to be quiet about that.
Having said that, if I don't want someone to babysit I just say "no, I don't want that." If they want to push and ask why, I tell them that I don't trust them fully with my child because...
My mum had a cot, which was used for DS... but he never had a sleepover there without me staying too. Because I was happy to tell mum I wasn't ready to leave DS with her. She didn't push it. She knew if she did too much, I wouldn't visit with DS full stop.
PiL have no baby stuff, but enough pre-school stuff to keep DS happy. They have him one afternoon a week and love it. He has never slept the night there: interestingly enough, he asks them if he can stay for dinner/bath/bed and they say no! I must confess, I am happy about that. I was only comfortable leaving DS with mum when she discovered the joys of co-sleeping (after bagging me about it for years): she insists on DS sleeping with her every night when we visit now! I know PiL wouldn't be very good with DS in the middle of the night and they know it too. So no sleepovers.
but surely it is fairly normal to be more comfortable with your own parents, than the parents of someone else you haven't known as long (and haven't grown up with all your life).... i'm not saying the maternal grandma has 'more rights', but saying that in my case (and i'm wondering if in other people's cases to) it feels more natural and comfortable to leave my kids with my parents, i have zero worries...
i'd love for her to have them on a weekly basis for an afternoon or something, but she has so much on her plate it wouldn't be possible, but it annoys me that she continues to whinge she never 'gets' them... i feel like she's had 3 years to make a proper effort, and its not on my part that it hasn't happened... if she turned up and had more than 5 minutes to spare and offered to take the kids for a few hours i would be jumping with joy, but it just never happens.... i just get other people telling me she keeps going on about me not letting her have them, usually when they are novelty newborns mind you, for sleepovers...
my parents have only had my DS once, its hardly like they are always having him and she is never... there has only been one occassion in his short little life so far...
urrrrgh i just find it frustrating and i stress about the things she is saying to other people about me, as i don't feel she makes a true effort to actually 'help out', its more a lot of talking about wanting to help out, but then never actually being available. i suppose my next strategy is just to ask her if she wants to have the kids, and if she says she can't cos she is busy with XYZ, then i at least i have tried to accommodate her wanting them, and it has been her that has turned me down.... i think i will do that.
Can you start with her looking after the kids at your place? Explain that your parents have everything for the kids at their place and you know that she doesn't so it would be easier to start with her coming ovber to look after them at your place.
Plan in advance to go out for dinner or something close by with your DH and go out for a couple of hours. Gradually build it up and in a few months you might feel more comfortable leaving the kids at your IL's place once they have proved themselves on your turf.
Its the opposite for me, MIL has her house set up for kids with a cot in one room and a little bed and lots of toys in the other. She watches them more often as my mum although she loves my girls she has trouble coping with the two of them and hates changing nappies so they get bad rash etc. So it can be completely different, its my mum who wants to watch the girls but isn't available as much. we have her watch the girls here if it night time as everything they need is here.
I think my MIL is a natural with kids, but my mum isn't she is a very self centred person and it shows although she does love them, I also think it helps that DH and I have been together since we were 16 so I have known her for 17 years.
Ring your MIL and ask her to babysit and make sure she knows you are asking her first and giver the opportunity to say no, she may change her plans or make more free time if she isn't feeling so left out. Start at your house and you can always take things with them to her place.
I undertsand how hard it would be because it can happen to anyone with any possible future babysitter: friends, aunties, grandparents etc. I remember offering to baby-sit my friends kids years ago and only realise now how unprepared I would have been - not in the physical sense but with just knowing what to do.
I think when kids are young the person who is looking after them has to have some idea about what they like/dislike, how they operate, their routines etc. They get to know this by spending time with your kids and you and your partner. Once you feel like they have a good understanding then you might feel comfortable leaving them. I don't think it matters how much "stuff" they have (though it can help!) but it's more about their attitude and if they are willing to listen to you and your requests.
Offer for you MIL to spend more time with you and maybe suggest that with your youngest being so young still maybe she needs to get to know him better before he has an overnight stay. Tell her you don't want it to be a stressful situation for her because it would be if she simply just took them and did whatever.
I really don't think it matter who the baby sitter is, as long as you are comfortable then you can be happy.
My parents live on the other side of the world and it often makes things very challenging for me. My MIL lives 1.5 hours away and babysits when I need her to. She is so great with our little boy and also has a great set-up at her home for all off her grandkids (toys, portacot etc.).
I really do trust her implicitly with our boy and, because he is her 8th grandchild she is very calm and experienced with the littlies. My parents are a bit more cautious - they want instructions from me for everything. They just aren't as confident as she is and I think they fuss a bit more about doing the right thing by both our son and me. So even although I would leave him with them in a heartbeat, the lead-up is often more stressful! The fact that they live so far away doesn't give them much practice either! So no, I don't necessarily favour my parents over my in-laws at all
Having said all of that, my only advice is that circumstances change and you need to realise that in the event of your mum moving away and/or starting work (or whatever), you may well need help and your MIL may be the only one who can help you. To not foster your and your son's relationship (and this does mean giving them some one-on-one time) with her by giving her some room to move and giving her the benefit of the doubt could really impact on your family going forward.
Sorry to sound so prescriptive, but I know how hard it can be to not have help that you always bargained on growing up (i.e. always having your folks around) just because circumstances change. Just want you to know. I hope things all work out well for you
I agree with being more comfortable with leaving DD with my parents, rather than my PIL's, overnight. For a few reasons - DD has a cot/bed there, has plenty of toys (all my old toys that mum kept and looked after), its safe, we slept there with her a few times before we left her alone. And the main reason is that i can tell my parents how I want them to do things, and know that they will do things our way. Having said that, I'm flexible with things such as bedtime and how they get her to sleep, because I know they won't leave her to get upset, and won't let her stay up to late. My IL's on the other hand, I don't feel as if I can say how I want things done, I know FIL doesn't agree with some of the ways we do things, which worries me, they don't really have anything set up, and there is lots of clutter there, which means DD has to be watched constantly as its just too unsafe! When tehy've had DD for a few hours, I've told MIL things, and they've not been followed, plus MIL has been known to give DD food that we don't want her to have.
This has turned into a long ramble, but just wanted to say that I understand what your saying to some extent. I find that if I leave DD with them occasionally, then they don't seem to ask about having her overnight.
I totally agree with not being comfortable having IL's babysit. I'll never be comfortable for my MIL to babysit i don't think! The good thing is me & DH both agree on who can babysit our DS. We've agreed my parents can for a maximum of say 3ish hours, because I'm so close to them I know I can trust them completely, and our friends who themselves have 2 kids can baby sit for longer than that if needed, because we trust them & we know that they know what they're doing. DH has admitted that his mum probably wouldn't have a clue!
But I would agree that it has something to do with how long you have known the person, how much you trust them, and if you've seen them with younger kids and what impressions you got. And if you don't feel comfortable letting someone babysit but you let them anyway, you won't have any fun doing what you have to do because you'll constantly be worrying! No advice on how to tell people no though, we plan on just saying we don't need a babysitter atm!
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