My parents live on the other side of the world and it often makes things very challenging for me. My MIL lives 1.5 hours away and babysits when I need her to. She is so great with our little boy and also has a great set-up at her home for all off her grandkids (toys, portacot etc.).
I really do trust her implicitly with our boy and, because he is her 8th grandchild she is very calm and experienced with the littlies. My parents are a bit more cautious - they want instructions from me for everything. They just aren't as confident as she is and I think they fuss a bit more about doing the right thing by both our son and me. So even although I would leave him with them in a heartbeat, the lead-up is often more stressful! The fact that they live so far away doesn't give them much practice either! So no, I don't necessarily favour my parents over my in-laws at all
Having said all of that, my only advice is that circumstances change and you need to realise that in the event of your mum moving away and/or starting work (or whatever), you may well need help and your MIL may be the only one who can help you. To not foster your and your son's relationship (and this does mean giving them some one-on-one time) with her by giving her some room to move and giving her the benefit of the doubt could really impact on your family going forward.
Sorry to sound so prescriptive, but I know how hard it can be to not have help that you always bargained on growing up (i.e. always having your folks around) just because circumstances change. Just want you to know. I hope things all work out well for you
I agree with being more comfortable with leaving DD with my parents, rather than my PIL's, overnight. For a few reasons - DD has a cot/bed there, has plenty of toys (all my old toys that mum kept and looked after), its safe, we slept there with her a few times before we left her alone. And the main reason is that i can tell my parents how I want them to do things, and know that they will do things our way. Having said that, I'm flexible with things such as bedtime and how they get her to sleep, because I know they won't leave her to get upset, and won't let her stay up to late. My IL's on the other hand, I don't feel as if I can say how I want things done, I know FIL doesn't agree with some of the ways we do things, which worries me, they don't really have anything set up, and there is lots of clutter there, which means DD has to be watched constantly as its just too unsafe! When tehy've had DD for a few hours, I've told MIL things, and they've not been followed, plus MIL has been known to give DD food that we don't want her to have.
This has turned into a long ramble, but just wanted to say that I understand what your saying to some extent. I find that if I leave DD with them occasionally, then they don't seem to ask about having her overnight.
I totally agree with not being comfortable having IL's babysit. I'll never be comfortable for my MIL to babysit i don't think! The good thing is me & DH both agree on who can babysit our DS. We've agreed my parents can for a maximum of say 3ish hours, because I'm so close to them I know I can trust them completely, and our friends who themselves have 2 kids can baby sit for longer than that if needed, because we trust them & we know that they know what they're doing. DH has admitted that his mum probably wouldn't have a clue!
But I would agree that it has something to do with how long you have known the person, how much you trust them, and if you've seen them with younger kids and what impressions you got. And if you don't feel comfortable letting someone babysit but you let them anyway, you won't have any fun doing what you have to do because you'll constantly be worrying! No advice on how to tell people no though, we plan on just saying we don't need a babysitter atm!
I'm more comfortable with PiL babysitting. They babysat for full days when DS was a year old: my mum didn't get him "to herself" for more than an hour or two until this year. Why? Because PiL did a pretty good job of DH (IMO) and they listen to me: they actually check ingredients before saying "oh, it's fine" when the food isn't. And they're not so fussed about appearing young that they'll wear glasses to the supermarket to check labels. DH and DS have allergies/intolerances to a foods so although milk is a new one to them, now they know about DS not having milk they're REALLY good with it (took a few visits after we found out for MiL to remember, but she is almost 70).
Yes, so, PiL have two up on my parents; three if you count that they live nearby too.
It isn't about who are the maternal grandparents... why should you trust your parents more? Maybe because you had a great childhood. Well, did your husband have that also? He trusts his parents - why can't you? (Not a specific you, a general one.) Before someone babysits I look at their merits WITHOUT considering how they're related to me. Trusting my mother because she's my mother... poor Liebling if I had done that! I left him for an hour as a baby with her because she guilted me with the "I'm your mother" thing - as I said, almost 3 years before I let her have a sleeping Liebling again!
the fact that she is the paternal grandma is irelevant, its more that she is quite unstable and flighty, not that she'd ever do anything intentionally to hurt the kids, i am not for a second suggesting that, but just very eratic and scatter brain with a million things on her mind.... i have seen her looking after younger kids before and getting distracted with other priorities and it just worries me... its not just me that thinks this and has commented so its not me having a warped perception...
i'm gunna start with short stints of babysitting so that she feels included, and hope that that satisfies her and everyone is happy...
Why should you have to leave your kids with someone just to make THEM happy? Sorry, there is something really wrong here, if you are not comfortable with your ILs babysitting, then frankly they shouldn't be babysitting - sure they might be a tad offended, but seriously if you are concerned about the level of care your toddler or baby will receive then dont do it
My Mum babysits for us because I feel comfortable with this arrangement, and can actually enjoy my time away from my DS as I know he is well cared for, loved and has my Mums complete attention. I can't imagine a time when I will be comfortable with my ILs babysitting, they have no common sense and don't show enough respect for other peoples parenting methods (they have shown this with my BILs kids as have disrespected direct requests regarding appropriate foods for their baby when they have baby sat my nephew and given him raw apple because they thought he wanted an apple as reached out for it - HELLO CHOKING HAZARD!!!!), also their house is very innappropiate for kids - steep cement stairs with no hand rail, lots of glass furniture etc. I know my MIL is itching to have DS by herself, but it wont be happening anytime soon - perhaps once he can drive
I'm all for family harmony etc, but why do you have to let your MIL babysit to make her happy when this will cause you worry? I think its perfectly appropriate to be selfish when it comes to appropriate care givers babies and toddlers
I think every situation is different, some PIL's may be fantastic babysitters and others might not find it so easy or natural.
I think you should always trust your instincts, if it doesn't feel right then it's not. That doesn't mean that this is not right for everyone...just not for you. And you shouldn't have to feel bad about it.
Personally it would be a waste of time for me going out, if I didn't feel comfortable about who I'd left DS with I'd spend the whole night worrying. kwim?
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