just generally wondering how you deal with well meaning family members who are desperate to babysit your babies/children, but whom you may not really want to...?
i am in the fortunate/unfortunate situation of my mum and dad being brilliant babysitters, the type i do not have an ounce of worry over having my kids, their place is like my kids second home, well actually it is their second home, they have their own rooms, beds/cots, more toys than we have at home, you get my drift... my mum does things just as i would, and is honest when anything happens, ie kids upset, baby not settling/sleeping whatever... i had a very hard-to-manage firstborn and mum and dad helped out ALOT... i now have what seems to be a dream baby who is most of the time sleeping thru at 11 weeks old, is generally content and i don't need as much help with... yay!
my mum and dad looked after dream bubs at 10 weeks for a night so we could catch up with friends... i would never have dreamed about having anyone look after him so young, but knowing he is such a 'good' baby, and having such faith in my mum etc, i honestly didn't give it a second thought... that is how comfortable i am with them.
my MIL is now going on about how its 'her turn' to have the baby.... she has never even had my 3 year old dd for a sleep over, but is going on about how she wants 11 week old DS for a sleepover 'next time'.... she can't stand that my mum and dad get to 'have' the kids more than her... but there are so many reasons for this, they are retired and have more time, they have a house completely kitted out for it, MIL runs a business, is heavily involved in other sporting activities every weekend, has NOTHING at her house that the kids could play with/use/sleep on, and is generally unable to sit still for 5 minutes.... she whinges to other people that i never let her have the kids, but to be honest she is never available when it co-incides with us going out/needing a sitter, and also my 3 year old doesn't want to stay there at all as she is going thru a sooky i want mummy phase.... i am just not confident at all in her looking after my young baby.... i mean, i know he would survive, its not like she'd kill him, but at the same time i can imagine him screaming his head off and her in the back yard thinking he is sound asleep (happened this weekend over easter, i rescued him after a few minutes).
sorry this is so long, i have rambled so much and its not really even the tip of the iceburg, the situation is a bit more complex....
i'm just wondering how you deal with people who keep dropping hints they want to babysit.... is it reasonable that i don't want to leave my 11 week old baby with anyone at all, and if i do have to, i want it to be my mum who i am most comfortable with? can't she see that when her daughter has kids (please hurry the F&%k up!!!) thats when it will be her turn to be the 'more involved' grandma?
The maternal grandmother has NO right to be more involved than the paternal. It isn't a grandparent's turn to star when their daughter has children. A good grandparent can be the man's parent.
Sorry, your last comment irritated me a lot and I'm not going to be quiet about that.
Having said that, if I don't want someone to babysit I just say "no, I don't want that." If they want to push and ask why, I tell them that I don't trust them fully with my child because...
My mum had a cot, which was used for DS... but he never had a sleepover there without me staying too. Because I was happy to tell mum I wasn't ready to leave DS with her. She didn't push it. She knew if she did too much, I wouldn't visit with DS full stop.
PiL have no baby stuff, but enough pre-school stuff to keep DS happy. They have him one afternoon a week and love it. He has never slept the night there: interestingly enough, he asks them if he can stay for dinner/bath/bed and they say no! I must confess, I am happy about that. I was only comfortable leaving DS with mum when she discovered the joys of co-sleeping (after bagging me about it for years): she insists on DS sleeping with her every night when we visit now! I know PiL wouldn't be very good with DS in the middle of the night and they know it too. So no sleepovers.
but surely it is fairly normal to be more comfortable with your own parents, than the parents of someone else you haven't known as long (and haven't grown up with all your life).... i'm not saying the maternal grandma has 'more rights', but saying that in my case (and i'm wondering if in other people's cases to) it feels more natural and comfortable to leave my kids with my parents, i have zero worries...
i'd love for her to have them on a weekly basis for an afternoon or something, but she has so much on her plate it wouldn't be possible, but it annoys me that she continues to whinge she never 'gets' them... i feel like she's had 3 years to make a proper effort, and its not on my part that it hasn't happened... if she turned up and had more than 5 minutes to spare and offered to take the kids for a few hours i would be jumping with joy, but it just never happens.... i just get other people telling me she keeps going on about me not letting her have them, usually when they are novelty newborns mind you, for sleepovers...
my parents have only had my DS once, its hardly like they are always having him and she is never... there has only been one occassion in his short little life so far...
urrrrgh i just find it frustrating and i stress about the things she is saying to other people about me, as i don't feel she makes a true effort to actually 'help out', its more a lot of talking about wanting to help out, but then never actually being available. i suppose my next strategy is just to ask her if she wants to have the kids, and if she says she can't cos she is busy with XYZ, then i at least i have tried to accommodate her wanting them, and it has been her that has turned me down.... i think i will do that.
Can you start with her looking after the kids at your place? Explain that your parents have everything for the kids at their place and you know that she doesn't so it would be easier to start with her coming ovber to look after them at your place.
Plan in advance to go out for dinner or something close by with your DH and go out for a couple of hours. Gradually build it up and in a few months you might feel more comfortable leaving the kids at your IL's place once they have proved themselves on your turf.
Its the opposite for me, MIL has her house set up for kids with a cot in one room and a little bed and lots of toys in the other. She watches them more often as my mum although she loves my girls she has trouble coping with the two of them and hates changing nappies so they get bad rash etc. So it can be completely different, its my mum who wants to watch the girls but isn't available as much. we have her watch the girls here if it night time as everything they need is here.
I think my MIL is a natural with kids, but my mum isn't she is a very self centred person and it shows although she does love them, I also think it helps that DH and I have been together since we were 16 so I have known her for 17 years.
Ring your MIL and ask her to babysit and make sure she knows you are asking her first and giver the opportunity to say no, she may change her plans or make more free time if she isn't feeling so left out. Start at your house and you can always take things with them to her place.
I undertsand how hard it would be because it can happen to anyone with any possible future babysitter: friends, aunties, grandparents etc. I remember offering to baby-sit my friends kids years ago and only realise now how unprepared I would have been - not in the physical sense but with just knowing what to do.
I think when kids are young the person who is looking after them has to have some idea about what they like/dislike, how they operate, their routines etc. They get to know this by spending time with your kids and you and your partner. Once you feel like they have a good understanding then you might feel comfortable leaving them. I don't think it matters how much "stuff" they have (though it can help!) but it's more about their attitude and if they are willing to listen to you and your requests.
Offer for you MIL to spend more time with you and maybe suggest that with your youngest being so young still maybe she needs to get to know him better before he has an overnight stay. Tell her you don't want it to be a stressful situation for her because it would be if she simply just took them and did whatever.
I really don't think it matter who the baby sitter is, as long as you are comfortable then you can be happy.
My parents live on the other side of the world and it often makes things very challenging for me. My MIL lives 1.5 hours away and babysits when I need her to. She is so great with our little boy and also has a great set-up at her home for all off her grandkids (toys, portacot etc.).
I really do trust her implicitly with our boy and, because he is her 8th grandchild she is very calm and experienced with the littlies. My parents are a bit more cautious - they want instructions from me for everything. They just aren't as confident as she is and I think they fuss a bit more about doing the right thing by both our son and me. So even although I would leave him with them in a heartbeat, the lead-up is often more stressful! The fact that they live so far away doesn't give them much practice either! So no, I don't necessarily favour my parents over my in-laws at all
Having said all of that, my only advice is that circumstances change and you need to realise that in the event of your mum moving away and/or starting work (or whatever), you may well need help and your MIL may be the only one who can help you. To not foster your and your son's relationship (and this does mean giving them some one-on-one time) with her by giving her some room to move and giving her the benefit of the doubt could really impact on your family going forward.
Sorry to sound so prescriptive, but I know how hard it can be to not have help that you always bargained on growing up (i.e. always having your folks around) just because circumstances change. Just want you to know. I hope things all work out well for you
babysitting request etiquette
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