Changing your parenting style...

[Arimeh]

Hi, just wondering if anyone else out there has gone through stages of different styles of parenting? I have written a few posts about my little... gorgeous... monster... and last time, came to the conclusion that if he was whingy and clingy I would pick him up anytime he wanted, go outside if he wanted to etc etc etc. So I got myself a Bubba Moe and have been lugging him around - even did the vacuuming with him on my back (and growing bub in belly on the front). Not very comfortable but did it. But I don't actually know if this is doing anything??
Over the last week, he has seemed a bit better in going and doing his own thing, and playing by himself for about two minutes (which is huge in my eyes - wasn't doing that before) but he has always always been grumpy when waking up - and I'm talking about non stop crying, fussing, screaming, screeching - the whole lot - every time he wakes up. He is down to one nap a day now (his choice) and will mostly only sleep for an hour.
Today he woke up after an hour sleep. Then he cracked it BIG TIME. I really really needed to pee, and so I took him to the toilet with me (highly unco-ordinated event I must say!!) and he screamed on my lap, and then I had to put him down to.. well.. finish up.. and HE SCREAMED. So I just left the room. So he cried all the way down to the loungeroom and just kept on screaming. I got so frustrated that I (embarrassingly) threw a toy at him (which missed luckily) and I thought to myself.. what the hell am I doing??!? I'm the adult here!!!! So I picked up all his toys, all whilst he was crying behind me... and then started shooting baskets with his basketball and hoop set. I think I counted to 25 in before he came over with a toy and wanted to play as well.
So I'm thinking - should I change parenting style and not comfort every time he gets up? I mean, he usually doesn't calm down for about half an hour when he wakes up anyway - but doing it this way, it only took about 15 minutes. (I don't know WHY he wakes up so grumpy - must take after his father I guess)
So would it be bad to ignore the tantrums and start doing things that I know he likes doing, ie shooting baskets, playing with the xylophone etc?
I eventually put him back to bed because he didn't co-operate over lunch and was being a real little turd, so I just put him back to bed (before murder entered my brain!!! )
Has anyone considered doing this approach and did it work with a 14 and a half month old??

Thanks in advance.
Oh, and please don't be critical of what I have said about my treatment of him this afternoon. I'm not in the best of moods!!!!

[DoubleK]

i am going through a similar situation, however Krystal is almost 2.. so there is abit of an age difference.

she is constantly in the pantry, fridge or toilet. and i mean constantly if i tell her no, she will yell and scream, to the point where i feel like walking straight out the front door (bit of background - Krystal has never ever been a crier, even as a baby, she never cried for more than maybe 5-10 minutes and that was a hungry cry.. so for me, crying/screaming is hard to cope with!)

over the last 2-3 days i have been wondering should i ignore what she is doing, rather than say 'Krystal, close the fridge' 'krystal, come out of the toilet' over and over?
should i move her myself without actually saying anything to her and then say 'would you like to do some drawing' etc ?
should i just keep going as i am, but i feel that is not working..

sorry if im not much help, but i understand how you feel. perhaps giving it a go, being persistent and consistent in what you do in response to his tantrums might help!!

good luck with it!

[Arimeh]

Thanks Rach. Its hard to know if what you are doing is going to lead to counselling down the track or not!!! haha!!!!
You are lucky - mine has always been a huge crier and always drove me insane with his screaming. I think he's just put here to drive me crazy!!!!! He fell back asleep now - on and off whinging for about 10 minutes - but if he is asleep, then I'm happy...
Tell ya what, I never realised how little patience I actually had until I had a child. I thought I was a more laid back kinda person (and I am with everything else in life) but he just pushes the wrong buttons I think!!!!! I am trying to be a little more laid back and not care if he gets the soy sauce out of the cupboard and pretends to drink it, or puts all the cans and stuff out of the cupboard onto the floor, I'm looking past that, because he is entertaining himself, and thats huge.
But still don't know if I'm looking at this the right way, or if I'm totally off track and going to screw him up!!! Or screw up the next one!! argghhhh....

[Jennifer13]

Mel, I'm sure most mothers have been in your position and at least FELT like throwing the toy even if they didn't do it!

What I find works for Lucy is to be really excited about whatever it is I am trying to do to distract her. Rather than say, get out of there, stop that, give her an exciting alternative. I've always found 'No' less effective. So I say 'Let's read a book/Oh, can you see the birds outside/whatever' in a really excited tone of voice and jump up and down about it a bit myself. I felt like a bit of a goose the first couple of times but littlies seem to respond to big gestures much better.

At Aricyn's age I would think that distraction is probably more effective than trying intense discipline. Everything is over so quickly when you're his age!

[sushee]

I consider myself a gentle parent, but being gentle doesn't mean not being firm either. Mel, personally at almost 15 months, your boy isn't trying to manipulate you when he cries - developmentally he is honestly too young to realise that screaming upsets you - he only knows that he is upset, and that he counts on you to make him feel better. It may seem like he's pushing all your buttons, but he's cranky because he feels bad. I suspect the reason the basketball thing worked was because you managed to distract him from feeling bad and made it fun for him. Great job and something you now know you can incorporate in the mornings that works to help him get over whatever it is that's upsetting him. Sometimes comfort is about mummy distracting instead of cuddles, and a great gentle parenting tool.

Rach, your little girl is at an age when tantrums are common. Charlie gets so worked up he screams for so long that I'm certain by the end, he can't remember what he's upset about. But it's them not being able to deal with those big, big feelings they're experiencing, and often the best way to deal with it is with firmness and consistency. So if she's doing something you don't want her to do, ask her once, and if she persists, remove her from the area and if she chucks a tantrum, stay close, hug her if she will allow you to, and allow her to work through it. Your calmness, presence and consistency will teach her how to deal with her emotions and learn how to manage them. It's going to be distressing for you to watch her cry, but being there for her will teach her that you are not leaving her, she can still depend on you, but she will need to learn how to deal with her feelings. And she will learn as she develops. This is milestone in development for her. If you can get your hands on it, try reading 'The Science of Parenting'. It explains in plainspeak what developmental stages your child's brain goes through, and makes sense of why they behave the way they do at different times of their lives.

Most of all, remember that you are amazing, responsive parents who are examples to your children as to how they should behave. Your presence and love will make them feel secure, yet teach them the boundaries that they need to learn how to function in the world. You're doing fabulous jobs, girls.

[krysalyss]

Hi Aricyns mum,
I really liked Sushis post.

As a parent, I believe it is our job to show our children that we can bounce back from disappointments/hurts etc. This doesn't only mean cuddles. By getting him to focus on something he likes and enjoys shows him that the world hasn't ended, and you were right there by his side. It isn't as if you gave him a toy he liked and left him to it. I think helping our children to become resilient requires different approaches at different times. So, I think do what works. As he gets older you will be able to incorporate words and explanations more but for the moment, leading by example is likely to be most effective.
I think you did well.

[morgan78]

Big i know how you feel my darling little angel has decided to sulk every time i have to do anything for his sister and yep tantrums over nothing. I did find around that age - of your DS - that if he had a sleep in the arvo he would wake up and scream & cry for ages & he wouldn't accept cuddles, distractions or anything even now if he sleeps after 1pm he cracks it. I have found by eliminating additives, colours and sugar - except fruit - that he is much calmer & almost no tantrums - yesterday the receptionist at the Dr's gave he a tiny choc egg and 5 mins later he was revolting.
I hope you had a better afternoon and GL with trying a new tatic is sounds like a good one

[Arimeh]

Thanks for your support guys, I really appreciate your comments.
Sushee - he may not know how to manipulate, but he's got pushing the boundaries down pat!! He knows that he's not allowed to do things - ie, put rocks into his mouth that he could potentially choke on, but he does it when we are watching him.. and makes a game out of it... so I've got a three strikes and you're out tactic going on there!!! It's hard with your first to know what they do understand and what they don't cos they sure seem to know the things that upset you the most!!!!!
He has been a bit better since waking up from the second half of his daily sleep, and DH will be home in an hour... that gives me something to look forward to!!!! haha!!!!

Thanks again guys

[sushee]

aw Mel, I sure do know that even at his age, he knows to do something that will get a reaction out of mummy and daddy! Lol! Charlie even gets what I call his 'mischief' face if he knows he's not supposed to do it, but does it anyway because it'll mean mum will flip!

Don't worry hun, you're doing great by the sounds of it.

[Bathsheba]

Fantastic post Sush! I also highly recommend the Science of Parenting.

Regarding changing parenting styles: I have regrets at how I parented my eldest (13yo DD) compared to how I parent my boys now. I really wish I had been calmer, more subtle in my reactions to bad behaviour instead of yelling and throwing tanties myself 5 minutes into a conflict. Now she is a drama queen and quite brutal when it comes to expressing her frustrations at the boys for example. You really realise how much of your personality they inherit when they get to their teens.... actually from about age 5 LOL. All your sins come back to haunt you. I don't mean to worry you. All's not lost. I hope you can make the changes you feel you need to make darl... you will see the benefits... maybe not immediately... but eventually. Distraction is your best weapon at this point i think.

[Pretty Butterfly]

Mason went through a similar stage of being upset when waking up. I eventually got prepared!!! I would deliberalty be doing something really great when he woke up screamimng. I'd take him out of his cot, and, knowing cuddles will not work, put him ( for example)on the kitchen floor while mixing a cake, oohhing and aahhing the whole time, and tasting batter. He soon learnt to come join in and have fun, not sit and cry!!! After shooting the hoops, maybe this sort of distraction would work for you. having something ready to go thats inticing just may start to work!!!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Ooooh, tough one!

Without reading all the replies...

My DS is over 13 months now and starting to tantrum (only mini-ones, right from the start I realised he was just pushing it so came down hard!). I calmly tell him that screaming will not result in anything. If he gets mad and hits me I put him down and leave him there for a minute, before picking him up, telling him I still love him but we DO NOT hit Mummy. I would like an apology, Liebling say sorry. If DS is completely unrepentant and giggling he goes back down, but that doesn't bother him now. If he cuddles up and gurgles at me then we hug a bit more and I'll play with him. I know it doesn't mean much, but he is going to learn not to bite/hit and learn that negative behaviour has negative consequences. Doesn't work so well now he can pick himself up and walk to me, but I ignore him pulling on my jeans. The rules are the rules.

I will just say that I don't just let him cry. He can cry as a consequence of being naughty, but not just cry. He wakes up pretty grumpy too, he's getting better, but I don't let him cry (unless it's 5.30, I've been up more than 15 minutes getting him back to sleep and he pulls himself away and gives me a wide-awake grin, then I just go back to bed and get him when he really starts to holler!) and I don't punish him a lot, but he has to learn consequences. Consequence of a 5am wake-up after being up a lot at night is that Mummy doesn't want to play much today. Consequence of biting/hitting is a time-out and an explaination that we don't do that. Consequence of screaming for food in a supermarket is no food until we're home (then again, he is only having 3 minutes more of no food because he may get food in the car if he has been really good). Consequence of ignoring a "no" is being taken away from that activity (for example, hitting the TV with a stick means no TV and no stick for an hour - not that he's bothered about the TV, but he is about his sticks!).

I found since he started to walk alone really well he's played alone a lot better, because he can get around better. And distraction is great - if DS is getting fussy for something he's not allowed (like he wants coffee) then I announce that I'm gonna get him and he actually runs to me so I can tickle and kiss him. He hasn't got the hang of chase yet LOL. I let him take things out the cupboards, btw, so long as he helps put them back - all the dangerous stuff is out of reach. His favourite game last month was putting pegs on the floor then back into the peg bag - he'd get out about 30 pegs and miss maybe 3 when he puts them away.

(I threw DS a packet of his tomato corn snacks the other day - completely missed him, but I was just so furious with him screaming and DH just playing on the computer and not helping when I had a killer migraine, so after that I went to bed for half an hour and left the boys to it. They played with the noisy train set and the piano. Because I don't need quiet when I have a migraine so bad I lose colour vision and control of my legs.)