Changing your parenting style...

[sushee]

I consider myself a gentle parent, but being gentle doesn't mean not being firm either. Mel, personally at almost 15 months, your boy isn't trying to manipulate you when he cries - developmentally he is honestly too young to realise that screaming upsets you - he only knows that he is upset, and that he counts on you to make him feel better. It may seem like he's pushing all your buttons, but he's cranky because he feels bad. I suspect the reason the basketball thing worked was because you managed to distract him from feeling bad and made it fun for him. Great job and something you now know you can incorporate in the mornings that works to help him get over whatever it is that's upsetting him. Sometimes comfort is about mummy distracting instead of cuddles, and a great gentle parenting tool.

Rach, your little girl is at an age when tantrums are common. Charlie gets so worked up he screams for so long that I'm certain by the end, he can't remember what he's upset about. But it's them not being able to deal with those big, big feelings they're experiencing, and often the best way to deal with it is with firmness and consistency. So if she's doing something you don't want her to do, ask her once, and if she persists, remove her from the area and if she chucks a tantrum, stay close, hug her if she will allow you to, and allow her to work through it. Your calmness, presence and consistency will teach her how to deal with her emotions and learn how to manage them. It's going to be distressing for you to watch her cry, but being there for her will teach her that you are not leaving her, she can still depend on you, but she will need to learn how to deal with her feelings. And she will learn as she develops. This is milestone in development for her. If you can get your hands on it, try reading 'The Science of Parenting'. It explains in plainspeak what developmental stages your child's brain goes through, and makes sense of why they behave the way they do at different times of their lives.

Most of all, remember that you are amazing, responsive parents who are examples to your children as to how they should behave. Your presence and love will make them feel secure, yet teach them the boundaries that they need to learn how to function in the world. You're doing fabulous jobs, girls.

[krysalyss]

Hi Aricyns mum,
I really liked Sushis post.

As a parent, I believe it is our job to show our children that we can bounce back from disappointments/hurts etc. This doesn't only mean cuddles. By getting him to focus on something he likes and enjoys shows him that the world hasn't ended, and you were right there by his side. It isn't as if you gave him a toy he liked and left him to it. I think helping our children to become resilient requires different approaches at different times. So, I think do what works. As he gets older you will be able to incorporate words and explanations more but for the moment, leading by example is likely to be most effective.
I think you did well.

[morgan78]

Big i know how you feel my darling little angel has decided to sulk every time i have to do anything for his sister and yep tantrums over nothing. I did find around that age - of your DS - that if he had a sleep in the arvo he would wake up and scream & cry for ages & he wouldn't accept cuddles, distractions or anything even now if he sleeps after 1pm he cracks it. I have found by eliminating additives, colours and sugar - except fruit - that he is much calmer & almost no tantrums - yesterday the receptionist at the Dr's gave he a tiny choc egg and 5 mins later he was revolting.
I hope you had a better afternoon and GL with trying a new tatic is sounds like a good one

[Arimeh]

Thanks for your support guys, I really appreciate your comments.
Sushee - he may not know how to manipulate, but he's got pushing the boundaries down pat!! He knows that he's not allowed to do things - ie, put rocks into his mouth that he could potentially choke on, but he does it when we are watching him.. and makes a game out of it... so I've got a three strikes and you're out tactic going on there!!! It's hard with your first to know what they do understand and what they don't cos they sure seem to know the things that upset you the most!!!!!
He has been a bit better since waking up from the second half of his daily sleep, and DH will be home in an hour... that gives me something to look forward to!!!! haha!!!!

Thanks again guys

[sushee]

aw Mel, I sure do know that even at his age, he knows to do something that will get a reaction out of mummy and daddy! Lol! Charlie even gets what I call his 'mischief' face if he knows he's not supposed to do it, but does it anyway because it'll mean mum will flip!

Don't worry hun, you're doing great by the sounds of it.

[Bathsheba]

Fantastic post Sush! I also highly recommend the Science of Parenting.

Regarding changing parenting styles: I have regrets at how I parented my eldest (13yo DD) compared to how I parent my boys now. I really wish I had been calmer, more subtle in my reactions to bad behaviour instead of yelling and throwing tanties myself 5 minutes into a conflict. Now she is a drama queen and quite brutal when it comes to expressing her frustrations at the boys for example. You really realise how much of your personality they inherit when they get to their teens.... actually from about age 5 LOL. All your sins come back to haunt you. I don't mean to worry you. All's not lost. I hope you can make the changes you feel you need to make darl... you will see the benefits... maybe not immediately... but eventually. Distraction is your best weapon at this point i think.

[Pretty Butterfly]

Mason went through a similar stage of being upset when waking up. I eventually got prepared!!! I would deliberalty be doing something really great when he woke up screamimng. I'd take him out of his cot, and, knowing cuddles will not work, put him ( for example)on the kitchen floor while mixing a cake, oohhing and aahhing the whole time, and tasting batter. He soon learnt to come join in and have fun, not sit and cry!!! After shooting the hoops, maybe this sort of distraction would work for you. having something ready to go thats inticing just may start to work!!!

[Arimeh]

Bath - the science of parenting huh... hmmm... might have to look into that.. cos I sure as hell have no idea what i'm doing here!!!!!! I hope I'll do better on the next one

Jodie - you always seem to have advice for me when I'm biatching about my son.. truly you must think that I'm the most awful mother!!!!! (Either that or just have a difficult son!!!) haha!!! He likes taking things out of the cupboard - which he is doing at the moment.. he has the alcohol out.. hmm... now.. if only I wasn't pregnant...

[Pretty Butterfly]

I certainly dont think your an awful mum!!!! Maybe i've just had too many kids!!!!

[Bathsheba]

I agree with that Jodie: with each child that I've had the more understanding and the less judgmental I've become. Each child is challenging in their own way... and dealing with 3 children who are being challenging at the same time is ummm... a learning experience too!