Controlled Crying is bad, mmkay?

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

From *my* limited experience with two very different children it was about being able to tell the difference between an 'I'm grizzly and want to have a whinge/protest cry' to a full blown 'I really need a cuddle/kiss/pat etc Mum because I'm not coping cry'. And for *me* there is a very vast difference between CC and CIO and I understand and accept, that for a gentle parent philosophy, there is no diffrentiation.

I also wonder, how many of us grew up in the era where leaving a bub to cio was the 'norm' and if we were, do we feel damaged by it? Both my parents have passed, so i'm unable to ask but it is something I do think about
I guess as with each generation, we know better, therefore, we try to do better

[onthefly]

My DS just didn't want to sleep for the first 2 years. We tried all sorts of things before giving up. And then he just got it.
DD slept like a dream for the first 4-6 weeks. There's a thread around here somewhere with me pulling my hair out at 4 months wondering what to do differently... then I gave up again. On the whole, she's better now, but actually not as good as DS was at this age!

I don't think I did anything substantially different at the beginning or later on. As they've gotten older I have established boundaries for myself. They cry sometimes, yes.

I think expectations are important. Our cultural reference is the child sleeping alone. In another culture where families all sleep together as a matter of course, much of the anxiety of children wanting their parents in the night would be avoided, for eg.
I feel CC or CIO is a compromise I'm unwilling to make.

[lady_neon]

I also wonder, how many of us grew up in the era where leaving a bub to cio was the 'norm' and if we were, do we feel damaged by it? Both my parents have passed, so i'm unable to ask but it is something I do think about
I guess as with each generation, we know better, therefore, we try to do better

Many of my reasons for no CIO or CC stem from my dad. He grew up in a very 'unloving' home. His words. He believes he is irreparably damaged from neglect, never being hugged or once told he was loved, and glad that his dad passed away. And so because of everything that happened in his childhood, he chose the complete opposite for my siblings and I. One of the key ideas being never to let us cry, and spoiling us beyond belief (you know the old don't pick up the baby, you'll spoil her). He wholeheartedly agrees with current research suggesting that mental illness could be linked to very early years of neglect. Anyway, I realise his childhood was quite extreme and I'm not suggesting that anyone that chooses CIO or CC are neglectful or abusive.

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

Many of my reasons for no CIO or CC stem from my dad. He grew up in a very 'unloving' home. His words. He believes he is irreparably damaged from neglect, never being hugged or once told he was loved, and glad that his dad passed away. And so because of everything that happened in his childhood, he chose the complete opposite for my siblings and I. One of the key ideas being never to let us cry, and spoiling us beyond belief (you know the old don't pick up the baby, you'll spoil her). He wholeheartedly agrees with current research suggesting that mental illness could be linked to very early years of neglect. Anyway, I realise his childhood was quite extreme and I'm not suggesting that anyone that chooses CIO or CC are neglectful or abusive.

very sad for your Dad - I guess growing up in that kind of environment would drive someone to definitely try the alternative. thank you for sharing

ETA: I should clarify that i also meant as in when we were tiny babies , not an age of remembrance? - I do remember both parents being very affectionate when we were little (ie 4+ years old) but *I* don't remember or know what it was like when i was tiny baby...

[HotI]

Gee Whizzy, this is something i have thought of too. My folks were very affectionate to all of us as kids, no violence in the house, daily we were told we were loved, lots of hugs and kisses. My Mum also left us in the cot to go to sleep (and to cry). i don't know the specifics but it would fall into the cc field. i don't have any memory of this, don't know that i am damaged from it at all and was actually really surprised when Mum told me.

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

Gee Whizzy, this is something i have thought of too. My folks were very affectionate to all of us as kids, no violence in the house, daily we were told we were loved, lots of hugs and kisses. My Mum also left us in the cot to go to sleep (and to cry). i don't know the specifics but it would fall into the cc field. i don't have any memory of this, don't know that i am damaged from it at all and was actually really surprised when Mum told me.

I thought I was odd in thinking about it, so I'm glad I'm not the only one - I would hazard a guess, that I too, was left to cry given the era and it was 'normal' i guess? However, I don't *think* I'm damaged, but heck, I know it's not something I will ever be able to find out. I'm sure there is someone reading this thinking, just because you don't remember it, doesn't mean it isn't bad or life altering, which I do agree with. For me, I guess I'm the type of person who likes to see something "proven" before taking it as gospel and I mean proven into adulthood, not just infancy, of which there are lots of studies to prove that CC or CIO IS bad for bubs with increased cortisol levels detrimental to developing brains etc.

[lady_neon]

Knew what you meant Gee Whizzy, I just got off an a tangent and I think I missed my own point LOL

I don't believe CIO or CC is a guarantee the kids gonna be messed up, I do believe though it is linked to mental illness and brain development so its not a risk I want to take. Plus there is a lot of anecdotal evidence of CIO/CC babies that now have terrible, messed up relationships with their parents along with depression and anxiety, and the rocked to sleep/spoiled babies are seemingly a-ok in my life. Evidence enough for me.

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

Knew what you meant Gee Whizzy, I just got off an a tangent and I think I missed my own point LOL

I don't believe CIO or CC is a guarantee the kids gonna be messed up, I do believe though it is linked to mental illness and brain development so its not a risk I want to take. Plus there is a lot of anecdotal evidence of CIO/CC babies that now have terrible, messed up relationships with their parents along with depression and anxiety, and the rocked to sleep/spoiled babies are seemingly a-ok in my life. Evidence enough for me.

that's ok, glad I'm not the only one that goes off on a tangent.....especially in my own mind - I know what i want to say, just have trouble articulating it sometimes!