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Thread: Controlled Crying/Comfort Settling

  1. #1

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    Default Controlled Crying/Comfort Settling

    I know that most mums here are not a fan, and if you don't need to do it then great. But we are biting the bullet and doing CC with Lucie. I really think we haven't been left with much option, with #2 coming soon she really needs to be sleeping well before then. DH just doesn't wake, so if Lucie still carries on like this I will be even more zombified! Does anyone have any good outcome stories please?????? I need some encouragement to get me through.


  2. #2

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    Sorry Wheatie.... I wish I did.

  3. #3

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    Soph, I eventually resorted to controlled crying when Maddy was 4 months old. I would have dearly loved to use 'gentle parenting' touches but found that Maddy's insistance of no sleeping during the day and waking every 2hrs during the nice was driving me around the wall. Some days I would just cry because I was so exhausted and like you DH, my DH would sleep through an earthquake.

    At Maddy's 4 mth immunisations I talked to my MCHN about it and she gave me some hints. I know that this is a gentle parenting site; but I would hope that the parents here would recognise that every child is different and sometimes although you would LIKE to approach your parenting in a certain way; it does not always work for your family.

    Basically we bit the bullet and started the process on a Saturday when DH would be home and could back me up when all I wanted to do was rush in and pick her up. The moment we started seeing tired signs, it was nappy change time and then into bed. She cried on and off for several hours the first day; but we took turns just sitting in the room with her but not talking to her other than to tuck her back into the sheets and say 'Mummy & Daddy love you, it's time for a nap'.

    It wasn't easy, but we peservered with it. On the Sunday she cried for half of the time she'd cried for on Saturday before she fell asleep. Whenever she woke up from a nap; we made a big song'n'dance about it 'Wow, didn't you have a long sleep princess! You are such a good girl!' with lots of cuddles and smiles.

    By the fourth day, she cried for less than a minute before falling asleep. I won't say it's all easy because she's been teething recently and threw her pattern out for a few days. Still, she now has daily naps 99% of the time; and that's such a big change. We no longer have a terrible screaming arsenic hour/s in the early evening; and when she is fed and her nappy changed at bed time; she goes into he cot literally without a fuss. Her long-sleep at nighttime is so much smoother; she puts her head straight down and falls straight to sleep generally.

    The main thing I have learnt is to look for her 'different cries'. She has a certain cry she uses when she really is sick/upset or has her leg caught in the bars of the cot for example. Oh, and one that says 'Mummy I'm NOT tired and I refuse to sleep'. I've learnt that one in the last month and I generally get her up and we play for a little longer and give it another go. She'll usually sleep the second time I put her down.

    I hope that whatever you choose to do, that it works and is right for your family!

  4. #4
    angelfish Guest

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    We haven't tried it, but from what I have heard the main thing is to choose the right time (you are well, baby is well, no major upheavals are expected) and then persevere no matter what. Because if you cc for three nights and then change your mind, she will just learn that it takes three nights of screaming to get you to do what she wants, ie, give up on the idea. So if you're not sure, it's better not to do it. If you do go ahead, some support is essential. If Mick can't/won't help at night, maybe he can take over for an hour in the early morning so you can have a rest, or perhaps somebody else could come around and let you have an afternoon rest during the day?

  5. #5

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    My SIL tried control crying and it worked for her after a great deal of stress and sorrow however after a few months when her daughter reached her next big developmental milestone she stopped sleeping through again. AFAIK of all the people who do control crying only a tiny minority find that it works as a long term solution. We have 2 bubbas who both wake up through the night so we've divided them up. I get up for Imran and DH gets up for Yasin. I think that you will find that a kick in the shins will make your DH more likely to wake up when Lucie cries.

  6. #6
    angelfish Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by dachlostar
    I think that you will find that a kick in the shins will make your DH more likely to wake up when Lucie cries.
    LMAO yep that should work

  7. #7

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    Hi,

    I used CC with all three of my babies and it worked wonders. It only took 2 nights with all of them - by the 3rd night they were sleeping through. When I heard them cry, I would initially get up, comfort them (pick them up if they were very upset), then put them back to bed. If they continued to cry, I would wait 5 minutes, then repeat the process (I'd try not to pick up again, just comfort them in their cot). I'd then add 2 minutes to the process, up to a maximum of about 12 minutes (my babies where older - around 9/10 months). The first night was difficult, the second easier, and by the third I think they were all sleeping through. My only regret is that I didn't do it earlier. I think the "ideal" of gentle parenting sounds good, but are you really doing the best thing for your baby if you are absolutely exhauted? I've read somewhere that driving while sleep deprived is equivalent to being OVER THE LEGAL LIMIT for alcohol consumption. Before doing CC I was seriously worried that I could have an accident driving - I was that tired. I also snapped at my other kids because I was grumpy from lack of sleep. Not to mention that my babies were all much happier in the morning when they woke. Good luck!! p.s. with my 2nd child, I did CC and that was that - she continued to be a great sleeper. With my 3rd, I did CC and had to repeat it about 3 months later after a major developmental period - mind you at least the family had 3 great months of sleep!! Mary

  8. #8

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    Thanks all for your responses.

    Mary and Becka - special thanks for your posts! I needed that encouragement. Yesterday being day 1 was not great, the day sleeps were pretty much just crying so she was exhausted last night. Needless to say it only took 20 mins and she fell asleep last night a little after 7.30 and didn't wake until nearly 4am which was fantastic - the longest she has slept since being a newborn and that was without a dummy for the first time ever too. I fed her at 4am (She usually has a bottle then) but was sure not to feed to sleep, which I have always done. She wouldn't go back down after that - well she would fall asleep for 5 mins and then start up again. So I think she will be pretty tired today but we will see what happens. I have to say though, she seems to get even more wound up if I go in and then we seem to be back at square 1, so I have been leaving her for longer. Is that ok?

  9. #9

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    Soph, I'm not sure there is a hard & fast rule about how long you leave them for. Maddy definately gets more upset if I go in frequently. So I try to leave her for a few minutes and then re-settle her by lying her straight in her cot (she tends to pivot herself around in bed when she's crying). I think my MCHN said to add a few minutes to the length of time you stay out of the room each time IYKWIM? You might notice if you listen to Lucie's crying patterns that her quiet time starts to lengthen as opposed to the length of time she's crying; the longer that she's in her cot for and she's getting tired?

    Something I've found that works with Maddy is to put a toy in the cot with her. Often she'll start crying when she's in her cot for a few seconds, then she sees this lullaby lion in her cot and she plays with him for a little while before flaking out. Sometimes when she wakes up early (4am), you'll hear the lion start to sing, and she's happy to play for a few minutes with it before she self-settles.

    On the upside; I fed her and changed her at 10:30pm last night and put her in the cot. She cried for about a minute and then started playing with her lion. 10 minutes later she was fast asleep and she slept until 6:30am this morning...the longest 'long sleep' she's ever had!!!

  10. #10
    Kirsty77 Guest

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    Soph

    Lucie and Gemma sound so similar. We've been having sleep issues with Gemma to for the last 3-4 months which has resulted in her co-sleeping with us almost constantly. It started with her getting sick pretty much all the time then growth-spurts and developmental stages and seperation anxiety that lead to us co-sleeping. We tried the c/c but to be honest it made me sooo anxious and upset that Corey made me stop for my own sanity and for Gemma's. We still co-sleep some nights not all, some nights she actually goes to sleep well in her own cot but wakes in the early hours so I just bring her to bed with us.I totally understand though your need to get her back into her own cot before bub 2 arrives, but honestly c/c never worked with Gemma at this older age, she'd just continutally wake during the night. I guess some bubs it works with and others not. I'm not here to bag c/c in any way as I said we have tried it(it worked when she was younger really really well)and it has worked but now I honestly don't ahve the fight in me to do it!ROFL! Just wanted you to know your not alone......you'll get there hun....hang in there!

    p.s Corey NEVER wakes during the night either, even if Gemma is screaming!!

  11. #11

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    Just wanted to say Kirsty that I really appreciate the way you approached that post. I think that's the first post I've ever read here where you've mentioned you've used CC but you know it won't work for you; but haven't bagged CC in the process. So thank you Kirsty!

    To be honest, I've read some posts that have made me feel a bit upset. I honestly believe everybody has a right to approach parenting in their own way provided their intention for their child/ren is good and positive. My DH & I talked about Maddy's lack of sleep structure and its effect on us as a family. I never approached CC half-arsed or with selfish intentions with no thought to my child's best interests.

    I just really resent and feel very shattered by negativity shown by some that almost insinuates that any parent that uses CC is cruel to just let their child cry and feel 'abandoned'. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I'm not suggesting that everybody should have the same opinion as me; but at least respect that our parenting choices are different. I'm NOT (sorry, left that important word out the first time I posted this) necessarily referring to those that have posted in this particular topic!

    Sorry if this an inappropriate place for a vent; and honestly if any mods want to delete any of this that's fine.
    Last edited by Beckibee; July 17th, 2006 at 12:18 PM.

  12. #12

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    Our son co-slept for a few months (after growing out of his cradle, and before we put him in his cot), and after he got used to being in his own room, we began cc. He was closer to a year, and able to stand in his cot, etc, as well as crawl (so, he understood that just because we weren't in the room, didn't mean we weren't around). I think it depends on the child and the family, yes. It worked for us very well....and he was a much happier baby for it, for sure. I agree, praising the child after they have woken from their sleep is really important "oh, good boy, you've had such a good sleep!" and lots of cuddles and kisses. We started by leaving him for a couple of minutes, and gradually increasing by a minute at a time, no more than about 10 minutes. Another important thing, I agree, is to understand their different cries. I think that's quite a natural thing for a parent to get used to, and you'll know their hurt/sick cry, their 'not tired!' cry (when, yes, we'd just get him out and try later), and their "I want my way even though i need to sleep and everything is okay" cry. lol. Lots of "I love you, time to sleep", and staying calm. Offer a drink if it's needed, etc. But yes, be strong, as it's just not fair on any of you if you give in...it'll be confussing more than anything to the baby, I think.

    Our daughter is 9 months old, and not yet ready for controlled crying. I don't know if we'll use it with her, as she has a very different personality to our son, who was very laid-back. She co-sleeps with us most nights for at least half the night. She isn't demanding bottles in the night any more though, and I manage to settle her in her cot and have her sleep in there all night some nights. Again, it's just knowing their cries. If she has a cold, I just immediatly take her in bed with me. She isn't as mobile as our son was, either, so she can get a bit uncomfortable in her cot, and needs to be made comfy again, so cc just isn't right for her right now.

    I agree that a happy and loving parent is the most important thing a child can have...and cc is benificial to some children who obviously have great benefits after cc has been a success. CC, using loving settling is, of course, going to be a lot better for all the family than a tired and grumpy child and parents - provided it is right for that child, at that time, and for that family in general. It is one of the hardest parts of parenting though, for sure!

  13. #13
    Melinda Guest

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    I have posted this elsewhere, but I thought perhaps it may be beneficial to post it here also:

    I think the main thing that we all need to remember here that just as little babies are all individual, unique and special, so are their parents. We all have different ways of approaching parenting and I personally like to think that we all make informed choices and always put our little ones first - I am confident that everyone here at BB (whether they practice CC or comforted sleeping) has their child's BEST interests at heart and have approached their parenting with the importance and respect that it deserves and have investigated all the options available to them before deciding on what is best for them.

    It's ok to not necessarily agree with someone's parenting style - parenting isn't all black and white, so what one family does can be completely different to the next, whilst both still having a happy and loving environment.

    In terms of BB, people who adopt gentle parenting have the gentle parenting forums where they can discuss things, but those who adopt other methods have the other forums to post in and need support/advice/understanding just like everybody else does IYKWIM?

    This post isn't designed to offend those who do controlled crying or those who practice comforted sleeping, it's more to just say that we need to practice tolerance and patience for each other and respect that we all make different choices for different reasons......

  14. #14

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    Right On!!

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    Melinda, thank you....that was what I was 'trying' to get across but I just realised a big typo I put in my vent post. I meant 'I'm NOT necessarily referring to the posts in this thread'.

    I apologise if I came off as rude; that wasn't my intention. I was just feeling a little bit sensitive about reactions to my own parenting methods/approach.
    Last edited by Beckibee; July 17th, 2006 at 12:19 PM.

  16. #16
    Melinda Guest

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    That's ok Becka - I think we all have times where we feel sensitive about our parenting choices and doubt ourselves!

  17. #17
    Kirsty77 Guest

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    Thats for sure Melinda!(that was really well worded and said) I think being a parent has made me so underconfident its not funny.

  18. #18

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    we went to sleep school when owen was almost 5 mths, just for the day..the taught a form of CC..but the nurse there said that 1)as a mother you know when your own baby is distressed or angry..but on that she helped me distinguish the fact that when you put them down and walk out they are angry and frustrated, basically saying 'come back here and pick me up like usual'..it just takes them a little while to realise that things are changing..this really helped me deal with the crying as before this we had never really let owen cry since he was born and made me very upset and flustered to hear it..and 2)that it is def not for you if you don't feel that it is working for you and your baby..this made me feel better to since it meant i could give it a go and know that if i felt it wasn't working we could go back to how it was before..within 2 days owen was settling himself to sleep..it has worked great for us..he is now sleeping 12hrs at night and 2 x 2hr day sleeps and settles himself 99.9% of the time..he also has a 'blankie' called snuggle who he absolutely loves it has a lion head on it and as long as he's got that and a dummy he'll sleep anywhere!
    On the flip side, we went back a week later since they said he wasn't sleeping long enough in the day(he was only having 45min day sleeps at that time) and they tried to use the same technique to get him to resettle..we tried this for a week after coming home and made no progress..i stopped after this because i felt it wasn't working as they said..and then just did what beck said..every time he woke up make a big fuss of him..he has since just started sleeping longer..so that didn't work for us..we got both sides of the coin here!!
    p.s thanks for everyone making mention of how we need to be understanding of other peoples parenting styles and choices..i think tat this is so important!!we all want the best for our babies and are trying so hard to achieve it..also, i know when i started doing this technique i was so sensitive about it as i felt like i was a bad mother for letting my baby cry..i was even defensive towards my DH about it..it was very hard(even if it was just for a couple of days) but so worth it..

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