I'm feeling REALLY overwhelmed!!! I'm due October 5 (so any time now) and am filling my time reading heaps of baby books particularly about the first few days/weeks after bubs birth. I understand that they need to cover ALL the things you may struggle with, but right now, it just sounds like it's nothing but bad. Don't get me wrong, I've known it would be reeeally hard work, but very few experiences are ONLY bad. If you've had a bub can you please tell me what the good parts were about those first confusing, uncertain, sore, sleep deprived, overwhelming days/weeks - no matter how small it was. Also, any tips on making it all easier? - how to enjoy it with your partner, how to keep a clear head when you're so sleep deprived, how to not stress out too much, how to keep the fun in it all....?
My advice is to just go with it. Follow your instincts with your baby, and don't listen (ever!) to all the 'shoulds' such as your baby should be sleeping like this, your baby should be doing this, or doing that. Ugh. If you need to have the baby sleep with you, let him. If your baby needs to feed every 1.5-2hrs, let him. If your baby wakes through the night (and so he should!) there is nothing wrong with him.
There is definitely a point where you should stop reading too! hehe.
Seriously, I've had 2 babies now that wake frequently through the night. Sure we had extra tiring nights, but on the whole I wouldn't complain that I ever suffered sleep deprivation, even though I haven't slept through a whole night in about 2 1/2 years LOL. Breastfeeding has been my saviour. It is known that both mum & bub suffer less sleep deprivation if breastfeeding because of the lovely sleepy hormones they both receive during those feeds, and if you have the baby with you in your bed or right next to you, you find you don't really need to wake up fully (nor does the baby) in order to have a feed and quickly get back to sleep.
Don't feel overwhelmed. You know what.. everyone at my work and other friends all told me I'd have NO idea how much work a baby is until I have one.. and you know what.. I don't think it's all that hard. OK.. I guess it is hard, but geez - it's not the neverending chore they made it out to be. Just accept that you now are giving yourself to this little person, and that they really aren't babies for very long at all, and enjoy it. Enjoy the night feeds, enjoy the cuddles that he/she will need, and don't stress about all the little things. We all get it together in the end
For me, the good things are a longer list than the bad things, it's just that no one really talks about the good things, cos we don't have to "solve" them IYKWIM.
My good thing list starts with:
Babies smell divine
Watching them sleep in your arms (or anywhere for that matter) is just priceless
They smile at you because you are their world and they're happy that you're in it.
Then they learn to giggle
In the early days, watching them being fascinated by their own hands is hysterical - who knew something so simple could be so amazing.
They get milk drunk
Tips for getting through - don't stress about housework, frozen meals are good, trust your instincts about your baby, as his/her mum you do know best, put the books away until bubs is here, and when in doubt ask the BB girls.
Best of luck with it all, it's a very exciting & special time.
The good part is the overwhelming feeling of having created a little person and all the mushy feelings that go along with that
It's hard not to stress - you will for sure. But try to keep it in perspective and remember in the hard times that, like Liz said, they are only babies for such a short time and it really does fly by - soon they'll be sticking their finger up your nose to get a laugh and doing weird, hilarious dance moves to ad music.
Partner-wise, I would say the most important thing you can do for all of you is get him involved right from the start - baths, sleeping, nappies, playtime, everything. Don't let him get a fear of 'not doing it right', you can both learn all the little tricks together.
In the first few days, especially in hospital, you will get lots of advice from many people (even midwives) that's all different. Just go with what feels right to you and when you get that one special midwife who makes everything seem calm and relaxed, ask her to come live with you LOL No, seriously, save your questions for the staff that make you feel comfortable and ignore that one grumpy nurse/midwife/doctor that every hospital seems to have.
Sleep deprivation - if you expect to have it, you get a nice surprise if you don't.
You will be fine if you listen to you. And if you don't know the answer, just jump on and ask for some bellybelly group wisdom -it's always worked for me
Everyone loves babies, even the evil old woman down the road is suddenly nice to you if it means she gets to admire the baby!
Suddenly realising that what everyone is saying a 3-month-old is clever for doing your baby was doing from birth is a great experience.
Toddlers ROCK. Just wait until they start talking (the first year is some amusing babble, but then they start to hold their own in conversation) and the things they come out with. DS was telling me all about how ducks learn how to quack last week, I think he thought he was teaching them by doing different sorts of quacks. (OK, he's not fluent, but you can get his gist.)
I love watching DS learn and grow in confidence. The way they move, then they do it deliberately, then they play for a laugh... within 3 months they'll have you in hysterics.
I didn't really enjoy the baby stage for many reasons, but maybe also because DS is always pushing himself, so he didn't enjoy being a baby IYKWIM - once he could walk he was so much happier. The first six and a half months were a bit of him being happy, some of the greatest cuddles of my life, then a month or so of annoyance because he couldn't get around under his own steam, then the joys of walking. Everywhere. Holding my hands. For months. Then first steps alone and power charging everywhere! Same with talking, he chatters away but gets cross if you don't understand him, he was like that from birth (and yes; day 2, within 24 hours of birth, he was making non-crying sounds deliberately, "ah!" and "eh!", then "oh!" on day 3).
Don't get me wrong, a sleeping baby is so gorgeous and I loved getting him up and dressed and the cuddles and feeds... bliss! Even the poo was fine, I love folding nappies. But I suppose I was a bit man-like and wanted DS to do something back LOL. And I'm not reiterating the other points, with which I agree.
I agree with Liz - motherhood is a way easier gig than anyone tells you, especially with a tiny baby. If I can do it then anyone can! And instincts are to be trusted, you'll be fine. Just love your baby and do what you think is right, forget the stupid books. Best thing I ever did (except the one that kept telling me how super-advanced DS is, that book I liked, even if I didn't like the advice in it so didn't take it).
Good parts:
+Gazing at your new bub thinking "OMG we made that!"
+Watching them sleep is mesmerising
+Their little smiles
+They only have eyes for you
+Tiny little hands and feet
+Seeing how much they change every day
How to make it easier?
+Thinking of all the good things
+It is hard to believe in the beginning, but the sleep deprivation doesn't last forever.
+What got me through the lack of sleep was I convinced myself that I will need to get up a multitude of times during the night. Somehow setting myself that expectation made it easier to deal with.
+Forget the housework for awhile, it's not important in the big scheme of things.
How to enjoy it with your partner?
+Talk, talk, talk, keep communicating with each other
+Ask him for help when you need it, even if it is just getting you a drink of water
+Marvel at the miracle you both created together
I'm still in the early stages but I have one piece of advice...
If your partner or someone else says "I'll do this, you go sit down/have a nap/relax" for goodness sake DO IT! DON'T try to be the hero supermum, you just carried a baby for 9 months, relax a bit! If bub is crying at night, and you've just fed him/her and your partner says "here, I'll try to settle him/her" for goodness sake LET THEM!
(because the helpfullness doesn't last forever )
I think maybe right now is a good time to talk about roles and expectations... I think you'll probably find you both have different expectations of each other, what you expect each other to do etc. Talking now would be better than snapping at each other for not doing this and that when you're both exhausted.
Thats all the advice I have, because I'm still living it myself.
We didn't get home from hossy until day 6. My son got an infection on day 1 and went to special care. We had some very stressful moments at hossy but things started to fall into place when we got home because I was back in control of my life.
I never got sleep deprived. Not everyone does. I was getting up twice a night and expressing as well as doing formula top ups (so took longer than just breastfeeding alone) yet I still only felt as tired as I did while I was pregnant. I found it managable. He's sleeping through the night now and I'm catching up on sleep.
I was shocked by the lack of crying. My son would wake up and whimper rather than cry. I'd get up and tend to him before he cried. He cries a little more now (he's 3 months) but still it's nothing like I'd imagined it would be. He has been a windy and chucky baby but he still doesn't cry much compared to what I expected.
Watching him sleep was one of my favorite passtimes. So sweet and innocent.
Looking at him, marvelling that DF & I created him is priceless.
I loved studying his face and trying to work out who he looked like.
Trying to work out if he's actually smiling or is he about to chuck is great fun. Realising he didn't chuck and he really did smile is a great feeling.
Trying out all the pretty clothes that you've collected and been given is fun.
Make sure you say yes to all offers of help around the house. If you end up bottle feeding and grandma wants to do it (or change a nappy) hand bubs over. It gives you a little rest.
All in all I've found it far easier than I expected to. I did have problems with breastfeeding that I never imagined I'd have but apart from that everything else was nowhere near as hard as I imagined it.
ps I noticed you are doing a lot of reading. A piece of advice, don't do what I did and read up on pregnancy & newborn care and neglect reading up on labour. I did read about it, but not enough (I didn't realise this til after the birth of course), in particular I wish I'd read more about second stage. All the newborn stuff you will learn as you go, and you get lots of advice on things from the midwives and your health nurse will provide you with heaps of info too.
The best advice I can give you right now is STOP READING and just get out there and enjoy yourself!
Pop into your local ABA meeting, there will be plenty of happy supportive mums there to help you get it all into perspective (anyone can go, even before you have a bubba).
No need to stress right now, as each new day arrives you will learn something new about your baby, yourself, your relationship, and you have days, weeks, months, years to come to grips with it all! And therein lies the magic. Motherhood is a journey you take with your precious baby. You won't understand until you are holding your new little bubba, but trust me, it's that little person who makes it all right.
Sooo many wonderful things! They far outweigh the bad things.
The look, smell and feel of your new bubba is the most amazing thing in the world.
They look at you like you are their whole world - because you are.
Their firsts of everything (smile, laugh, giggle, wave, rollover) are priceless. I SMSed all my family and friends when DS rolled over for the first time
Some coping strategies:
-Somebody already mentioned this, but once I had resigned myself to the fact that I WOULD have to get up two or three times for a feed during the night, I dealt with it much better.
-Accept any and all offers of help. From your partner, parents, siblings, neighbours, friends - whoever.
-Forget about the housework. It's the most patient thing in the world, it'll wait for you forver
-Rest whenever you can. Try not to schedule a lot of stuff so if you have a crappy night, you don't have to be anywhere the next day. I stay a lot calmer after a bad night if I know that I have the next day to recover.
-Listen to all advice, but discard things that don't feel right for you. I found that if you just let people tell you what they wanted to, they are happy. They never need to know that you disagree with them.
-Most of all - listen to your instinct. I disregarded all the advice of Mothers' Group nurses, most midwives etc etc and feed and cuddled DS to sleep until he was 8 months old. This is what just felt right for us.
Bub will only be a bub for such a short time so enjoy it!
- DO NOT try to do everything, the housework isnt going to go anywhere, it can wait!
- Take a nap during the day if you can while bubs is asleep, it makes it easier when you are getting up for night feeds, you arent as tired
- If someone offers help, take it - if someone offers to hold bub while you do the housework, tell them to get stuffed get them to do the housework, you need to rest
- Go for a walk once a day, round your area, or in bad weather around the shops. You'd be surprised how much better you feel after some exercise, especially on the days where you've gotten very little sleep the night before
- If you need help ask. Ask your partner to do some extra chores for the first few weeks or months. Ask a friend to c0ome round & watch bub while you have a bath, etc
-Dont stress about being in your PJs all day & not having time to have a shower or clean your teeth LOL
- Do what you feel is right, you know whats best for you & your baby
And most important of all, You bub is only this young once. Enjoy every minute of it. Good & bad, its all part of the journey. And take lots of pictures, they grow so fast!
I second going for a walk with bub in the pram, you get the exercise and feel better plus you get to show your bub off. THat is the best part, being the proud mum.
I am finding that motherhood, while always good got so so much better for me from about 4months, and it keeps getting better. We sorted out his reflux, over his colic, topping him up with formula and he was more interactive. The first 6 weeks unti lthey smile they are a blob. An adorable blob and all yours and the emotions you feel are amazing, but once you get that smile that you *know* is a smile, it's great. It is fun marvelling over their expressions, and talking about poo and poo stories. IT is the most exciting topic, eg "it went everywere, all over his back, out his legs, and then he put his hand in it". Tip, don't expect everyone else to be as excited about your babies poo stories.
The first 6-10weeks are the toughest as you sort out being amum, what your baby wants and breastfeeding, if you choose to.
I also found in hte beginning I stressed about doing the "wrong" thing. I introduced a dummy and felt so much guilt. Just go with whatever works, you can't break them or harm them by doing something that works for you and your family.
As long as you love your baby you can't go wrong. Don't worry if you don't get that overwhelming rush at first either, it will come.
Welcome to the mother club and enjoy the ride. It is the greatest thrill of your life.
The good stuff:
- newborn babies smell really cool. Take a big deep sniff of their head's and inhale all those yummy pheromones. That's what they're there for.
- it will be the only time in their lives that you can put them somewhere and they'll still be there when you come back.
- it's also a time when they'll happily sleep on you for hours, and hours.
- they aren't too busy running amok to cuddle.
- when their eyes first start to focus and they look at this big, previously fuzzy thing that is your face, and you can tell that they think it's the best thing in the world.
- did I mention the smell? It's like a drug.
Making it easier:
- do what feels right NOW. Don't worry about creating bad habits if you use a dummy or carry them to sleep or whatever it is that you are doing. The goalposts change so often that it really doesn't matter.
- enjoy each phase as it comes. There's something good (and not so good) about every stage of their lives, don't wish their lives away by thinking, 'oh, I can't wait until they are over this'. Just enjoy the good bits.
I just had #4, and haven't touched the vacuum cleaner for 9 weeks! Ok, so we have tiled floors, but a quick sweep has been easier than a vacuum! The dishes piled up for about a week, same with the dirty laundry! But I love sitting there with my baby (and my other kids of course, but they are a little more independent now! ) Their first smile just melts your heart! And like others have said, they really do only have eyes for you!
Something I was told during my pregnancy with #1 was listen to the advice, take what you want/need out of it and disregard the rest. Stop reading, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and enjoy your little bundle when s/he comes along (they grow so quickly!)
Oh when they just stare into your eyes it is so special too, especially when feeding - bottle or boob. They just know that they are getting good stuff and you love them.
I just get all warm and mooshy thinking about my DS and how he looks at me.
You will also lose the ability to talk like a normal person to them. Everything will be in a happy tone. I catch myself sometimes and think "what the", but DS loves it and I don't care. everyone does it, except my 24yo BIL
I agree with the others, babies grow up so fast, just stop and take time to smell the baby! I envy you- i miss having a tiny new baby to cuddle. It is one of the most beautiful times of your life, don't stress just enjoy it.
Balance me out with the good stuff!!
Also, any tips on making it all easier? - how to enjoy it with your partner, how to keep a clear head when you're so sleep deprived, how to not stress out too much, how to keep the fun in it all....?
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get them to do the housework, you need to rest
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