Thanks everyone for your replies. It's comforting to hear that others go through exactly the same things and you've survived! hehehe
We;ve tried pretty much all of the above. She often only has one sleep during the day, sometimes 2 short ones. She has dinner at 5pm, then bath, massage, playtime, then bed. She has an oil heater in her room which is kept at constant setting, she also has a comfort toy and a dummy. As i've said, i do reflexology occasionally, and i also have an oil burner which i use Chamomile and Lavender in sometimes (not every nite). We've done controlled crying, even though i too don't believe in it and am only too aware of the effects of stress it can cause, but she can outscream any control we try to assert. She won't sleep with us, even though we even bought a single bed to have in her room as well as her cot. We thought on the really bad nights that we could sleep in it with her and she'd still have the comfort and security of her room, but no...unless it's like 5am and she's totally exhausted from being up for the last 4 hrs, she won't go to sleep with either of us in a bed. I've tried every settling technique known to civilisation...some work, some don't, but nothing has been a consistent solution.
At least i know i've been on the right track and i really have tried everything, as most of what u all have suggested has been attempted. We have an appointment at the doctors on wednesday, where i'm going to insist on some further investigation of her ear. I'm dead certain she has a balance problem, which also affects her walking and is having a bad effect on her feet. When she was in utero she had a sub-arachnoid cyst at the base of her skull, which resolved by 28wks. If for some reason this has returned, it would explain her behaviour and her balance issues, so i want to either confirm it or rule it out as a suspect.
Otherwise, i guess it's just a matter of toughing it out! Thanks everyone once again for all your replies and suggestions....much appreciated.