thread: Do you live with your inlaws and have the same problem?

  1. #1
    BellyBelly Member

    Apr 2008
    Hunter Valley

    Do you live with your inlaws and have the same problem?

    We are living with my husband's parents whilst we build our home... and for their help I am extremely grateful. The problem is that my MIL doesn't ask before she does things .. I posted a while back about her having a bath with our son LJ before we did (she admitted to doing so behind our backs deliberately) - this really upset me, and so my husband spoke to his mother about it and asked her not to put LJ in the bath with her, but she did it again - and once again my husband had words but instead of 'asking' her, he 'told' her that it was not to happen (as far as we are aware it hasn't).

    But now I am finding that she doesn't ask us about anything before she does it.. she just takes it upon herself to make decisions for our son . Most recently she went and bought a toothbrush & toothpaste and brought LJ into the loungeroom where my husband and I were sitting, and brushed his teeth (knowing it was the 1st time) without asking whether it was ok...... It instantly made me realise that she obviously doesn't feel the need to check with us about things before she does them - especially when it comes to LJ's 'firsts' - those things that I believe my husband and I (as his parents) should be the ones to initiate and share.

    What I'm wondering is whether anyone else has had similar problems, and how you think I should broach the subject with my MIL. At this stage I am planning on speaking to my FIL about it, as I am sure that my MIL will instantly get upset and defensive, and I don't want to be confrontational about it, I purely want to make sure that my husband and I are the ones to make the decisions that involve our son. I also want to make sure that my husband and I don't lose the opportunity to share important times with our 1st and only child.

  2. #2
    BellyBelly Member

    Apr 2008

    Oh wow I would be furious if I were you!!! Your MIL is definitely stepping over the line and needs to be pulled back in! Not sure how to go about it, if it was me I would probably bottle it up until I exploded, so I wouldn't recommend that! How much longer will you be living with them? I think you're doing an amazing job and are much more patient and tolerant than I would be. Can you organise a family meeting about it? Sit down all together and maybe get your husband to be the one to broach the subject - but if you do it all together, you and FIL are witnesses so your MIL can't pretend she wasn't aware of your feelings IYKWIM?

    Hugs hun, here's hoping your house gets built soon!!

  3. #3
    BellyBelly Member

    Dec 2009

    My mum did this... she tried to give DD her first solids.
    All I can say is... infuriating.
    If I were you I would go ape **** at her. Keep yelling till she gets the message. It sounds extreme, but if she's anything like my mother, no amount of explaining will help.

  4. #4
    BellyBelly Member

    Sep 2009
    Cranbourne, VIC

    My MIL is a complete nightmare but for different reasons. In my case I can't actually discuss anything with her as she always brushes of all my arguments to me being ignorant. The only way we have been able to solve our issues is for my husband to have REPEATED arguments until she actually gets the point. I found whenever I am involved, she thinks I am interfering even though she is making decisions about my husband and I .


  5. #5
    Registered User

    Jan 2006

    Erm. DH got annoyed with his MiL for taking Liebs swimming before DS did. DH had PLENTY of opportunities to take DS swimming, just that fishing/playing at building a car/PS3 were more important. DS was over 2 years old when Mum took him swimming. OK so DH maybe only had 20 missed opportunities, but if you want a first, you grab it first. I brushed Liebling's teeth as soon as one appeared. How long has your child had teeth?

    I'm not defending your MiL, she should let you be the parents. But if you're missing opportunities, can you grab them first? I know with my mum you have to jump in first and if you aren't ready argue til you're blue in the face then not leave her alone with Liebs, but some of it is just DH not stepping up and being upset when someone else does.

  6. #6
    BellyBelly Member
    Add aussienic on Facebook

    Feb 2005
    Boyne Island

    I would say upfront.. We like to enjoy ours sons firsts together where possible. If you see there is something you want to do please ask before you do this. We only get one chance to see our son do these things for the first time.. I am sure as a mother you can understand our excitement in these things.

  7. #7
    BellyBelly Member

    Apr 2008
    Hunter Valley

    Thanks for all of your advice. I actually ended up speaking with my FIL about the issue last night, and he was really good about it, he offered to speak to my MIL - and in his exact words "maybe then she will think before she does things..." Unfortunately she then locked herself away in her bedroom and we didn't see her until this morning where she was quite abrupt with us.... it was what we expected but hasn't made us feel any better about it. I am guessing that this isn't going to be as black and white as we thought...

    To answer your question Lady Zaidie, DS has had teeth for about 7 weeks but his gums have been quite sore and swollen so I was waiting, and my MIL knew that - nevertheless it wasn't about the teeth being brushed anyway, it was just another indicator that my MIL (as my husband puts it) "acts like LJ is her son, not her grandson" and we decided that we needed to re-establish some boundaries so to speak.

    Once again thanks for your input everyone - guess we'll just have to ride this one out

  8. #8
    Peaches Guest

    Unfortunately she then locked herself away in her bedroom and we didn't see her until this morning where she was quite abrupt with us
    Oh gosh, it must be some kind of chemical reaction in the brain that occurs when a mother-in-law becomes a grandmother, they suddenly become academy award winning actresses!

    My MIL tried something ONCE, she bought a toy for DD and forced it upon her in the hope it would be her "go to" toy.
    Thankgod, DD hates it lol

    Eventually she will chill out, in the meantime remember this is your time with your beautiful bub and no amount of silliness coming from her should ruin it