'Disciplining' a 1 year old?

[catherinemoses]

There have been a few threads tonight about tantrummy 1 year olds.
I have one and I there are a few things that he is into which I cannot childproof anymore that I already have. For example the knobs on the stove, I have taken them off so that he can't turn them on when they are off but I need them on to do the cooking. I tell him 'NO' don't touch and move him away, big tantrum. He goes back for more, so I gave him a smack on his hand AND moved him away, big tantrum. He goes back for more so he gets a NO don't touch smack on the hand and put out of the kitchen with all his toys, HUGE TANTRUM. I don't know what to do. I have tried having him not in the kitchen but he screams at me the whole time, I have tried emptying out the utensil drawer and giving him a few pots and stuff to play with, but it is not good enough. He needs the knife off the bench (which he has no problem reaching now!) he needs to play with the knobs on the stove. He needs to open the drawers. He needs to be right under my feet. ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! What can I do. DH is not usually home at this time. He won't watch a DVD. He is not happy to play by himself. I just don't know what to do.

[kirsty_lee]

Definately marking this thread!!! This is the 3rd thread i've seen tonight ( including mine ) about 1 year olds. Must be full moon eh? I have just recently started doing time out with dd. It does take ALOT of bloody effort with her cause she won't sit still at first and it takes about 20 mins to 1/2 an hour of putting her back in the 'spot' for her to get it and sit there. But I am slowly ripping my hair out. I have exactly the same problem as what you have described, it's like reading my own thread *sigh*

[Lolli]

Sorry ladies, this one I actually can't help you with... if there is one thing ds is happy to do, it's watch the Night Garden or Playschool on DVD while I'm making dinner. In fact, some of the tanties we have lately is because he wants to watch it and I won't let him...

[ShootingStar]

Hmm its really hard with that age because they dont really understand. Theyre really just testing the boundaries. Is there anyway to block him out of the kitchen altogether? I also know you can get a stove safety guard that stops them touching the knobs. Maybe create a cupboard with tupperwear that is his and hes allowed to play with it all.
But i would just keep doing what you are doing.. its exactly what i would do. The only advice i can give is to stay consistant. Its when you give in, no matter how much they scream, that makes it worse and they learn that if they scream they will get what they want. I know it can get annoying hearing the screaming, if so just go and put him in his room and walk out. Youre doing a great job. He will eventually learn hes not to touch

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

DS was the same - still is sometimes. I let him in the kitchen and let him "help" me. He used to sit on the worktop and "help" me by trying the veggies I'd just chopped up, now I bring his playtable in and give him a carrot, a knife and a chopping board and let him help me prepare the food. When we're cooking sauces he has a wooden spoon and helps me taste-test the sauce. Sometimes he has a bowl of rice pops and milk while I'm melting something on the hob - although it's not really helping, I tell him he's making his own food and he LOVES it.

I figure if DS is going for a knife, I'd rather give him a blunter knife and show him how to use it.

I also have a childgate on the kitchen in case I'm cooking something that will spray hot fat around.

Toddlers for the most part aren't trying to vex us, they just want to help and make us happy. So I try to let DS help and make me happy, even if it's extra work to do so at first it's easier than telling off all the time.

[Ryatha]

I know I may sound like a bad mum but just after DD turned 1 we started to tap her on the bottom if she was doing something dangerous.

We found this was the only option left after one weekend with two trips to hospital. First trip required 4 stitches on her eye brow due to a climbing accident, she had just learnt to climb and they didn't seem to bother her, thank goodness. However the second trip was in an ambulance as she had tipped my freshly brewed black coffee all over herself. She luckily wasn't admitted to the burns unit but we did have to get the dressings checked every week for a few weeks. But the photos of the time make me feel like a terrible mother with stitches on her face and burns dressings on her arm and chest

As a result we would give her a light - but she found very offensive - 'tap' on her bottom and a very stern "stop" when she was doing something dangerous we had already told her about. It was the only way we could prevent any further serious injury. I'm happy to say they are the worst injuries that she has suffered - but it was a horrible time.

[Rouge]

First of all I hate the term disciplining LOL it conjures up images of old schoolmarms with whicker canes LOL! I prefer to call it "Boundary Setting" LMAO!

When its something dangerous I give my best Logie performance. I completely flip out like over dramatise the danger. So a HUUUUUUUGE gasp. And then calmly but slightly wide eyed and stressed looking I will say (not yell but very seriously) "Don't touch that its very very dangerous, you'll burn your hands." (or whatever the danger is) Then I'll pretend to look at his hand and "make sure he's ok" etc etc I know it sounds bad but it works, did it with both my kids, and never had to lay a finger on them. If you're too blas? about it I think they think its a game. If you shout at them its like anything else they can't do or touch but they don't associate the danger. This works because its foreign to them and it does kind of scare them but not in a bad way. YES its manipulation but I'd rather do this than yell or smack my child. And it also makes them fearful of the object, and not you.

[catherinemoses]

First of all I hate the term disciplining LOL it conjures up images of old schoolmarms with whicker canes LOL! I prefer to call it "Boundary Setting" LMAO!

Haha. Yes, buondary setting does sound better!!!

Thanks for your suggestions ladies.

Sorry ladies, this one I actually can't help you with... if there is one thing ds is happy to do, it's watch the Night Garden or Playschool on DVD while I'm making dinner. In fact, some of the tanties we have lately is because he wants to watch it and I won't let him...

Oh If only!!!!

Niliac that sounds like a pretty good idea. I know smacking is not working (and it made me feel bad ) Yelling doesn't help either...he actually laughs at me/thinks it is a game

Thanks for all your suggestions. Fingers crossed that something works.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Cai, that didn't work with DS. He KNOWS that sharp knives are "ouchie" and that coffee is "hot hot" - and he's another one-year-old with burns dressings - but it doesn't bother him. The same week as he was rushed to hospital with coffee burns he was after hot coffee again. I have shown him me getting hurt and that it's not nice, I have let him see how hot the oven is when you open it... but nothing. I have to show him how to use things safely instead of just avoiding them.

I only shout when DS is about to run onto the road (and that's "NO! Stop! Halt!" then an explaination that running into a car hurts more than running into a wall or a table) and smacking doesn't work when hitting a bum is a sign of affection.

I like the word "discipline" because it's very much about teaching a child. I am teaching my child to be the adult he is going to be. Discipline is very loving: if I didn't love DS, I wouldn't teach him what he should be learning and how to respond to the world. I can't associate it with totalitarian school regimes and physical punishment because that isn't what the word means, although it was twisted to fit that some years ago.

[catherinemoses]

Rosehip, I totally hear what you are saying and I agree with you. I do think that teachng him how to use things properly in the kitchen, or anywhere is very important but I think that Flynn is still a little young for that! Were you doing these things when he was 13-14mths? How do you do it? If I gave him a blunt knife he would still put it in his mouth and walk around with it in there or worse! At this point I'm happy to try anything, I just thought that he would need to be a little bit older for this kind of approach?

[Rouge]

Oh please don't think I don't teach appropriateness. But with a 1 y.o. this worked, now we've since moved on and yes he needs to understand safety. But he also now is old enough for time out if he can't listen to his parents.

[Just Me]

I totally agree with Cai on the term 'discipline' but then I guess it is like any word and depends on the influences and associations you have with it in your own life .

Catherine - With the tantrums, I would make the suggestion to tactically ignore his screaming and crying. My DD started horrible tantrums just after her first birthday. I found that by talking to her while she was having a tantrum usually made it go on and on and on. By distracting myself and ignoring her (easier said than done, but gets easier with a bit of practice) she learned to settle down but the key was to make a BIG fuss of her once she was calm again sending a very clear message about the behaviour that is appropriate and will get my attention and behaviour that is not.

I think the thing with understanding kids is knowing their currency. Toddlers just thrive on attention. I know it might seem very strange but any attention is better than none at all so even if they are doing something they know will get them into trouble they continue to do it because of the attention they are given. By tactically ignoring behaviour that you don't find acceptable (with exception obviously to things that are dangerous to themselves or to others) then you are taking the focus away from the unacceptable behaviour and instead giving it to the acceptable behaviour.

Toddlers learn through practice so this is not a quick fix method. It will take your DS a bit of trial and error to figure out when he is getting attention and when he is not. You have to keep doing the same thing though. Whatever you decide to pursue, make a plan and stick to it. Toddlers need predictability when you are managing their behaviour - it makes them feel safe.

Managing behaviour also starts a long time before they actually do something wrong. Try to find things that your toddler is doing that you can give them attention for and then tell them they are doing a great job and specify what exactly they are doing that is so great. For example 'It is so great the way that you are helping mummy by sitting quietly.' Try to give two positives for every corrective instruction that you give. I have found that times that I am able to encourage appropriate behaviour through positivity rather than consequences after an inappropriate behaviour, the whole atmosphere of our house changes and we are all less stressed.

As far as the danger side of your DS's behaviour goes - explain to DS that it is dangerous but sometimes you do have to take matters into your own hands. If he continues to touch dangerous things in the kitchen then he needs to be locked out of kitchen where he can't be in danger. I think it is extremely important for kids to learn the concept of danger, but his safety has to come first.

The only other thing I would suggest is asking him to do a very important job for you while you need to work in the kitchen - one that gives you lots of opportunity to give him positives. So if you need to cook dinner you could say to your DS - 'Mummy needs to cook dinner now but while I do that I have a verrry important job for you. I would love it if you could colour in this picture for me.' (or whatever you have near your kitchen that your DS could do while you have to cook dinner). This sort of thing makes kids feel really important and gives you the opportunity to have lots of positive talk with your DS about what he is doing. My DD is nearly 2 now so i ask her to do things like mixing up things in a bowl (I don't do this when we are having visitors as a lot of slobber ends up in the bowl and she does taste a lot of what she is mixing) and I try and involve her more in what I am doing. She loves it and I enjoy the time I am spending with her.

I hope something here is helpful to you and good luck with this very difficult stage

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I gave DS a knive that's designed for a 12m old + - so it can go in the mouth and not cut (from about 10-11m old). But we worked VERY hard on forks and spoons ONLY in the mouth during dinner. Now he can have a baby knife with a sharper edge. And the knife stayed in the kitchen: if DS wants to play trains instead then the cooking things go back to Mammy. He tended to eat the food more than the knife TBH but I didn't find that a problem.

[Rouge]

Thats the other thing we do, when they listen we PRAISE. And it does help. If they don't know what it means to do something right how will they know what is wrong? And then as Ryn mentioned you need to offer an alternative. Of course every child is different but you need to find what works best for you

Awesome post Townsvillegirl!

[catherinemoses]

Thats the other thing we do, when they listen we PRAISE. And it does help. If they don't know what it means to do something right how will they know what is wrong? And then as Ryn mentioned you need to offer an alternative. Of course every child is different but you need to find what works best for you

Ah yes PRAISE how dumb can I be. This worked so well when I had trouble with him standing up in the bath. I just heaped praise on him when he was doing the right hting and he stopped standing up. I've been so focused on everything he is doing wrong/which is driving me nuts that I haven't been praising him. Thanks for reminding me

Thanks for your post Townsvillegirl!

Managing behaviour also starts a long time before they actually do something wrong. Try to find things that your toddler is doing that you can give them attention for and then tell them they are doing a great job and specify what exactly they are doing that is so great. For example 'It is so great the way that you are helping mummy by sitting quietly.' Try to give two positives for every corrective instruction that you give. I have found that times that I am able to encourage appropriate behaviour through positivity rather than consequences after an inappropriate behaviour, the whole atmosphere of our house changes and we are all less stressed.

I particularly like this

[fionas]

Alas, my disciplining or boundary setting has only worked for not touching hot things and I did a similar thing to Cai and was very proud of myself.

This involved a lot of pointing and over-dramatising and huffing and puffing and saying "oooooh no, TOO hot for babies," at cups of tea, the oven, candles etc. etc. DD now huffs and puffs on her own when she sees anything resembling fire and it's very cute.

However, all other attempts have failed miserably. And I do mean miserably. I can't keep her away from the laptop, bathroom drawers, the TV etc. etc. She basically ignores me and I need some tips so will keep following this thread with interest.

[Glamourcide]

OMG mine is the same, and only getting worse (or, seemingly, it's just that she's now more physically able to get into more mischief!) as she gets older... I suppose at that age they just have zero impulse control, so even if they've been told a thousand times, they just can't help themselves - sometimes I watch DD doing things like this (usually about ten seconds after I've smacked her backside) and wonder if her hands really do have minds of their own!!

I too have a screamer... it doesn't matter whether I try to tell her something in a calm voice, yell at her to stop doing something, or resort to giving her a smack - if I'm doing something that is preventing DD from doing whatever she wants, she throws herself on the floor, kicking and screaming - oh, and her new thing (God knows where she got this from, I can't help but laugh when she does it) is to glare at me and then stick her fingers down her throat to try and make herself sick?!
She's like your son - won't watch TV/DVDs, won't sit and play by herself (and I can't turn my back on her because she finds some other awful mischief to get into), and DH is either not home when I need him, or in the shower/playing xbox/*busy* (usually bludging) and won't/can't watch her for five minutes.
She too knows that things like coffee and the oven are 'hot - ouchie!', and that knives, scissors etc are sharp, but it seems to be a game to her to just see how far she can push me before I snap.

Lately though, I've found one thing that does seem to stop her in her tracks is putting her in her cot for time-outs - if she repeatedly misbehaves, I either put her in her cot and go back to what I'm doing until I've accomplished it (usually only about five minutes' worth when DD isn't under my feet hahah), or threaten to put her in her cot and she runs over to the couch to have a little cry at being denied the freedom to do whatever she wants, and then when she comes back she seems to have calmed down a bit... maybe this could work for you?? These days when she cracks over something (ie tantrums) I just look straight through her and continue going about my business like she's invisible and I'm deaf. The noise she makes drives me mad, but I'm getting the hang of the 'tuning out' thing lol, which allows me to get things done because she's so busy lying on the floor screaming her head off, she's not getting into anything
I wonder what it is with kitchen activities that fascinate kids so much?! Mine always either has her head stuck in the fridge, or is throwing things in the sink to make me wash up, or is climbing up and exploring the drawers and cupboards... Maybe try, as others have said, giving him small tasks to do so he feels he's helping you out? Since DD busted the supposedly child-proof latch off the refrigerator, I'm getting her to 'help' me out by fetching things from the fridge - she can get butter, eggs, jars of condiments, and if I point at vegetables she doesn't recognise the names of, she can grab them from the crisper and put them on the bench for me... she loves feeling valued and I like having a smiley-faced DD around

I hope you can work out a way to improve things soon, oh and as far as dangerous items like knives etc, we've just had to stick them up in a higher cupboard away from DD's fiddle-fingers and keep an eye on her (as the plan of our stupid house doesn't allow us any way to prevent her gaining access to the kitchen) - it's a huge hassle to jump over and drag her away from the oven every time she comes near it, but she is starting to learn through repetition (and time-outs lol, I can't believe how much she hates being confined to her cot!!). It takes time... but you get there eventually, and we all know we're good parents so even if they have a few accidents (like stitches or burns, touch wood I haven't been there yet but I know it's only a matter of time!), that will help them learn not to make the same mistake twice too lol

[{sarah}]

Childproofing, what's that?! We don't child proof in our house as the way I see it, my kids will visit lots of houses that aren't child friendly & it's best that they understand what they can & can't touch rather than having everything hidden at home IYKWIM. This is just the way we do it. For example, I'm a big candle lover & didn't want to be without my candles for 10 years while I had babies in the house so I taught Zander from the minute he could reach the table that he was absolutely not allowed to touch candles. Now I've been showing him how to light them with my assistance & I trust 100% that he will never touch the lighter without an adult because he knows it's something that he needs "big hands" to help him with.

I'm with Cai on the logie award winning acting! Everything is over dramatised and that includes praise. Just the other night I spent the 10 minute drive home, from the restaurant we had just been at, telling Zander how proud I was with his behaviour & that I was soooo happy with him.

The thing that I do is to not remove them from the situation or even remove what they want, they have to get used to the thing they want being there & them not being able to have it. In our house we have a DVD stand that always attracts kids, my two not being an exception at all! At not quite one Juliette knows she is not to touch them, but it took a while to teach her. Whenever she went to touch I would say no or ah-ah, if she had one in her hand I would take it off her & explain that she was not to touch them & put it back. I left her in front of the DVDs & it continued on for a few minutes until she got bored with me saying no & taking them off her. She'd do it daily, then every few days until she eventually just gave up. It wasn't a quick process, but we stayed consistent & it worked.

For me it's not about discipline, it's about teaching that there are some things that people are not allowed to touch. Babies are not to touch DVDs but big brother is allowed to. Children are not to touch the sewing machine, but mummy is allowed to. Mummy isn't allowed to touch sharp knives (I'm clumsy LOL), but daddy is allowed to.