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Thread: How can i get through to her?

  1. #1

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    Default How can i get through to her?

    Well i'm not sure if anyone else's toddler is like this but i have no idea what to do here! Every single time Lily does something she is not meant to, we say no. But she ignores us completely. She won't even look at us, just comtinues with what she's doing. No matter what tone we use, we get no response from her. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with her hearing. We end up taking her away from what it is that she's doing and then she goes completely mental with a huge tantrum. After that's over, she'll try to go back to doing the wrong thign again. Sometimes she even laughs when we say no. It's so very frustrating. I'm not sure what to do? Also with the trantums, these have been going on since before she was 1 and they are just getting worse and worse. She screams all the time, we say no, she gets louder, we ignore it and she just continues, we can't win! During nappy changing she will toss and turn and try to get up(sometimes successfully) and run away laughing. This is especially not good when she's just done a poo! I don't like to hold her down incase i hurt her but even if i try she is just so very strong. Oh and the kicking! My god that hurts. But get this, she is a total angel with anyone except JAcob and I. With anyone else, even a stragner, she will be on her best behavour and if someone says no, she will obay immediatly. But with us, it's an entirely different story. I can't even tell people how she is like with us anymore because she makes a liar out of me around them! What do i do? It's driving both of us bonkers. I so don't want this happening when bub comes along!


  2. #2

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    she sounds just like my niece and nephew.....they are absolute little ****s for my sister in law and brother and are angels for everyone else. It is all to do with boundaries and consistent follow through. She is good for others because she doesnt know how far that piece of string will stretch. She knows that she can stretch it further with you and Jacob and so will continue to test that boundary. Some things we were taught in my degree in child psychologist (though I am no expert...have no kids yet so these are just ideas)...make sure you are at their level, maintain eye contact be frim keep voice low in tone and most importantly agree with jacob on what a consistent follow through action will be...maybe if she cannot yet get out of her cot put her in there for a few minutes with no stimulus. one key is that the punishment (hate that word but cant think of the one I want) is that it should be less agreeable than doing the right thing so removing any stimulus is a big key...lots of people put kids in their room and shut the door for some peace, forgetting that the room is full of exciting toys to play with. It is hard with her age though she is not quite old enough to reason with effectively and too young to do things like the "naughty chair" etc. Good luck
    Mel

  3. #3
    Toy Tester Guest

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    OMG!!!! You have just described my 13mo DS to a 'T'.

    DS is always trying to play with powerpoints, and when you say NO and take him away, he just smiles then goes straight back there.

    And nappy changing...... DITTO. except DS is not quite walking yet, so he doesn't get up and run away. Yet.... But he does do the rolling over bit, which isn't very enjoyable with one of those Pooey nappies......

    I will be very interested in the replies.

    DOUBLE HELP!!

    Mick

  4. #4

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    Welcome to parenting a toddler LOL. With parents they know their boundaries, and as they start to grow their boundaries need to change where as we as parents are often the last to figure that out LOL. Matilda has done all of the same behaviours just less than a year ago. But most of her "no" came from dangerous activities where we couldn't "let it slide" so she would try to pull things off the stove, and would climb up the change table & jump off. The sorts of things that would hurt herself.

    We had to become something we weren't used to and that was consistent. We had to say "no" and if she didn't listen to us, we would hold her hands and get at her level and say "Matilda you can't do that because _______, if you do that again, ____ *consequence*___" . So our consequences really depended on what it was she did. If she did something very dangerous that we couldn't remove (so climbing up the stove etc) we would have a 1 minute time out. This was a joke at first because she wouldn't stay there and thought it was hilarious, but the more consistent we were (sometimes it took 30 minutes to do a 1 minute time out).... the more she understood that. At the end of the time out we would say "Matilda, you had to sit still for 1 minute because you wouldn't listen to Mummy/Daddy. I love you but I don't like it when you do something where you could hurt yourself. Please say sorry & we can have a cuddle" Now all we have to do is threaten time out or say "Matilda if you continue to do XXX you will have to go to time out, why don't we try something else like XXX (and I stop what I am doing and try to engage her in something else) and she usually is happy to be distracted.

    None of this is natural for us. We both would much rather ignore bad behaviour and praise the good stuff, but sometimes that just isn't possible because its not healthy for them or good for them to do things that they will hurt themselves at. ETA: We don't believe in smacking and the few times we tried it out of desperation she laughed at us. She too had a fetish for power points & atm our house has every power point either covered or with furniture blocking it to make life easier.

    The kicking... we have had this issue for ages & ages. We stopped using the change table because it was just the worst height to have to deal with it & now do changes on a rug on the ground, or on the lounge on a towel. We occupy Matilda by using the TV, a book or something else (even a treat sometimes) to get her to focus on something else than we are doing. Books used to work great but then she started throwing them at us & kicking, so we turned the TV on and that worked too for 5 minutes.... LOL

    Now I usually give her a small book, turn the TV on and sing her a song... hehehe... all to protect the belly. And we are generally kick free most nappy changes.

    ETA: I keep thinking about this & wanting to add things LOL... I have to say that these things have all taken time & work with Matilda. I have had all my buttons pushed (have a look at my parenting de-brief Here) and have been in tears most of the time. No, Matilda didn't understand everything we were doing at first BUT... she learnt & now its not as bad a fight for the "no's". We also have worked on picking our battles. So if there is something we can ignore that we aren't working on atm, when she is asleep we either remove it from the general house area or we move things to avoid the battle next time.... our house is extremely toddler proofed and totally hilarious if you come to visit...

  5. #5

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    Yep, Thats my Son! He is sooo naughty LOL, anyway I figure, I just have to keep pulling him away from things, EVENTUALLY it may sink in! The nappy change/rolling thing gets me soooo mad. I still use his change table, and now use the tie's to hold him down . If he is kicking and carrying on to the point where there is pooh everywhere he gets a weeny slap on his knee. This does not hurt, but he knows he has done wrong, and stops it immediately, and gives me a nice big Frown. I have since found a way to ocupy his mind b4 nappy changes. I first tell him I am changing his nappy, then (as i am holding him) i get him to open his bedroom door handle, and push it open. Then he is involved in getting the nappy out of the stacker for me. When i put him on the change table, he reaches over to get the nappy cream for me. I then give him something to play with such as a toy that he doesnt see at any time thru the day except for nappy changes, or something safe from the kitchen, like a set of plastic measure spoons, that he hasnt seen before. He then spends nappy change time, playing with his new "toy", and i am able to change his bum, with no hassle and in a 1/4 of the time!!

  6. #6
    mumtomax Guest

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    i am having the same issue! I am very much looking forward to everyones replies:>every time max does something naughty/dangerous we tell him no, he starts laughing and does it even more. we were told to ignore it but obviouly not possible when he is doing something dangerous! we have no started to do the time out thing. but it's not working yet and to be honest i think he is a bit too young to understand but time will tell, am giving it a go anyway! max is 13months

  7. #7

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    Sounds like we are all in the same boat. We do simular to Christy - time out, getting down to her level when I say no if she's not listening and removing the problem is necessary. It is hard when we are out so I try and avoid this ie: grocery shopping is done online and I only go to the shops for about an 1hour and a half - after this she has had enough. In regards to nappy changes - Miss M goes thru fazes. I always try and have something for her to play with and we sing songs - like rolling rolling rolling rolling very slow, faster faster faster, faster as we go and she does the actions which pre-occupy her. There is no answers but just different methods to try . It is an age thing - the terrible 2's which one day will pass!

  8. #8
    Eleshia_V Guest

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    I'm sitting here nodding my head vigorously at all of the above hehehehe...my 1 yr old is just the same. Instead of saying no etc i've tried to just remove her from the 'bad' or dangerous thing she's doing without any fuss, and give her something else to do straight away. 9 times out of 10 she's happy to play with the new thing (usually a couple of pieces of old tupperware and a wooden spoon!!) and forgets about the power point or bookcase she was about to rummage through. I just found that making a big fuss over it seemed to imply to her that it was a game and it was funny to her to keep doing it as we went through it over and over again. She didn't sense the frustration in us just thought it was fun! As she gets older i will try again to do the reasoning thing, i've done the consequence routine as mentioned by someone above, with my eldest daughter and it worked great during her toddler years. But when they're so young, like under 2, i just don't think they have the ability to truly understand what you're trying to explain to them. Thats just my experience anyway :-)

    Best of luck to us all!! hehehe

  9. #9

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    Hi Tegan,
    I don't really have any advice for you , as Milo is still to little to be doing this but regarding what you said
    I so don't want this happening when bub comes along!
    My mum reckons I was a right little horror, until my brother was born (well, probably after, but not as bad )

    She made a very big deal of how I was a big sister now, and how it was a very important job, and my brother would look up to me for everything etc etc
    She also got me to do "very important" jobs, like passing her the clean nappy at change time.

    Anyway apparently it did help with my behaviour. ..

  10. #10

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    Just Flog them, lol I'm just joking, lol Ahhh the joys of toddler years, I think it shouldn't be called the teribble twos as I think it really starts at 18months and goes to about 3 and a half. I agree with what everyone is saying here. It is very important to be firm and consistent with disapline and to get down to their level. Eye contact is also important. If they turn away from you turn them around hold their hands look them in the eye and give them the Actions/cosequences talk "If you climb up onto the table you will fall and hurt yourself". I always use a very firm no and usually a Uh Uh will do if they are thinking about doing something thaty they shouldn't do. Also with disapline it is very very important to be united in your disapline. THey work out very quickly how to play parents off against each other if they are not on the same wavelength.

  11. #11

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    Well it has been just over 2 weeks since i posted this. I've tried all the suggestions and things seem to be getting worse. It's like she is rebelling against us! She has now started hitting us in the face and i don't know where she even got that from coz we don't hit at all. Nappy changes seem to be improving but other than that tantrums and her disobaying and not listening is getting worse!

  12. #12

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    Keep at it, Mackenzie bites, hits, kicks but you can't give in. Consistancy is the answer. Be strong.

  13. #13

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    With Kat, when she hits me, I start the big fake tears and wailing (like she would if I were to hit her) and tell her she hurt me (yes I am an actress and can put on the tears) and she usually comes over and says sorry and kisses and hugs me better. She does the same thing when she hurts jess. The key was, we make a BIGG deal out of how much it hurt the other person and take her hand (we are down at her level at this point) and tell her it was wrong to do it and she has to give cuddles and kisses better. If she refuses, we say it again and she eventually gets the point and gives kisses better. Now I only have to say OUCH! (in a loud voice) and cover my face and she comes straight over to me. Kids this age have no other way to express their anger than to act it out and so hitting and biting is common (biting we stopped by giving her a tap on the bum and telling her NO in a firm voice at her level). Having said that she kicks me when I change her and still does most things she knows she shouldn't. But a STRONG LOUD no from me or her dad is enough to stop her and have her covering her mouth *L*

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