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Thread: How do I get the point across to DH that he needs to spend time with his son?

  1. #1

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    Default How do I get the point across to DH that he needs to spend time with his son?

    http://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums/...16#post1106916

    Hi, I've posted in the men's forum but would like some female feedback too please.


  2. #2

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    Just like to say Big hugs... my DP was very similar with our son... At the hospital after he was born he cut the cord, held him while i had a shower, was all over him but when we got home things changed, he refused to change him (the poops made him gag...weak stomach) i breast fed so he couldnt feed him, i thought perfect time for him to bond was bath time... well not sure why but DP resused to bath him and wouldnt talk bout it... Not sure if its cos he was so little and DP was scared of not holding him right in the bath, i thought maybe it was weird for him to bath his son??? At 3 months i decided to express milk so DP could get a feed in to spend time with him... in the end i would do one feed a day expressed so DP could bond this way.... it also gave me a chance to have a shower in peace and left the 2 alone without me watching over him....

    But really its only been the last yr or so (DS now 3) that he has really been showing interest in our son... maybe cos now he can play rough, play trucks, ride bikes, play catch etc... i'd say just find something your DP is willing to do and make it his time, leave them alone for a while (so he doesnt feel like your watching him ... thats what my dp would say)

    Good luck and hope things work out..

  3. #3

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    My DH was the same with our first born. He used to stay back at work to avoid coming home, fearful that i would be in a corner in a mess with a crying baby (this never occured). He used to say he would be going to see a mate - later (months later) i found out he went up the road and read a book in his car - just to get out of the house. He was petrified, scared, felt useless, was tired, felt a bit like a third wheel....
    I think its perfectly normal in a sense how your DH is reacting.....its only week 9ish.....
    Could you involve him with little tasks that involve baby? i.e rather than giving him the task of bathing baby, ask him to get the bath water ready, towels, lotions, clothes.....do it gradually rather than throwing him the task all at once.

    We've just had bubs #3 and my DH still has not changed her nappy, nor bathed her. I think he feels shes so small, and feels a bit intimidated by her size. KWIM? Hes a great, perfect, unreal dad overall, but not too good with the newborn stuff......
    Dont worry.....a relationship will develop.....maybe not as fast as you had hoped, but there will be that special dad and son relationship....just give it time.

  4. #4
    Enchanted Guest

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    Awww Mrsr... it is tough isn't it. I had the same thing happen when Oscar was born!! I was so frustrated and I felt like DH didn't want to spend time with him. In the end I realised though that DH always spoke about when Oscar gets older and he can walk and talk etc. So I clicked that he wanted Oscar to be able to interact with him more... once we hit about the 2 month mark when Oscar started smiling etc DH was a lot more interested in him. I know it shouldn't take that long but I think they find it hard as little bubs just lay there and I think the Dads really don't know what to do.

    If you want some time to yourself I would grab a book and jump in the bath.. tell DH that you need a break for an hour and that he can look after Jack for that time. It might take a bit of pressure off if you're not around as I know my DH knew I was pedantic about things and was always watching what he did. He thought he would do something wrong!! Even if you need to grab something at the shop... just tell DH you'll BBS and nick down the shop for 10 mins. I'm sure he will realise that he's not such a bad little guy after all
    Last edited by Enchanted; January 17th, 2008 at 07:24 PM. Reason: stuffed up words!!

  5. #5

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    Bugger, I'll be back - all hell broke loose as soon as I started typing....

  6. #6

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    I've BTDT,GTTS. Keep up the praise (you're the best at burping/changing/pushing the pram...), ask for his advice, make sure Dada is the first word (lie if you have to), tell Daddy he is missed by baby... and then he's still disinterested until the baby is "interesting" - toddling alone, playing with balls and jabbering away.

    Best of luck, I don't think you can push it because it didn't work with us. Seeing me nearly break with the strain and need wrist supports, that made DH do more and that got him happier to do more.

  7. #7

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    Everything Rosehip said ... plus tell him his DS is the spitting image of him. That will get him wanting to hold the baby all the time to check out whether it's true or not!

  8. #8

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    I think it's quite normal for some men not to bond instantly with the baby - after all they have not spent the 9mths carrying it & feeling it move, birthing it and breastfeeding it. It took my DH many, many 'watches' before he was confident enough to change nappy/bath/change clothes/settle to sleep - although he never admitted this, I could tell. You can't force them to bond by saying "you need to spend more time with baby", I agree with mbear to involve him in tasks to help you rather than force a relationship between them.
    My DH didn't even say "I love you" to our baby until he was at least 3 months old - to be honest, I don't think he really did until then. I remember feeling quite upset that I loved this baby so, so much and my DH seemed disinterested. Now he absolutely adores our son and can't get enough of him. Now, DH rings me during the day to ask what he's has been up to (unheard of in the past - too busy to ring me when at work), DH leaves work early to see him before he goes to bed, DH rushes to his aide if he stumbles and cries, and we lie awake at night talking about the funny/beautiful things our baby does. This all took time and it was certainly not like this at all when we had a newborn. I would give your DH the space he needs to get used to your new life with baby.

  9. #9

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    i haven't read all the responses, but just wanted to say that as our dd got older and was able to interact more, my partner started to interact more and more with her, and now bath time is 'their' time.... i think when they are so little and you really don't 'get much from them', its harder for the male to relate to them or to even know what to do with them.... they are scared of breaking them, honestly, and they think that the baby just needs their mum..... im sure in time he will adjust and as your baby starts cooing and smiling he will fall so madly in love with him....

    that said, even now at 10 months i know my dp thinks i am better off doing alot of things, like giving bottles and putting her to bed, he thinks she settles better for me, which i'm not sure how true that is, as she settles ok with my mum..... i think u do have to be careful not to do everything, as that is how it will stay... i do wish i had of encouraged him to give her bottles more and settle her more, as that is now my job, and really its something that could be shared on occassion. so while u should give him some room and let him slowly get to know bubs in his time, just keep in mind you want to start how you mean to finish or end up... don't do everything yourself or that could be how it will always be.

  10. #10

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    Emma, DH has only just this last week (from last Thursday) put DS to sleep. And he's soooo much better than me and DS sleeps for soooo much longer and I am sooooo grateful to him... he is pretty good at doing it, actually, and it does give me a much-needed break, but laying it on thick helps! Bathtime, although DS is fun in the bath, DH still won't do it. No big deal, he entertains himself pretty much now, but loves watching Daddy when he comes in to the loo. Poor DH keeps trying to hide but DS keeps peering out from behind the shower curtain to watch!

    I made DH do all the bottles in hospital and at home in the early days because I never wanted to give DS formula- so by DH doing it, I wasn't giving him formula. I was in such a fragile state at that time that DH agreed. But he was very happy when the bottles stopped at 3 weeks!

  11. #11
    paradise lost Guest

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    God, my XP is the opposite. He pretty much ignored her until i broke up with him and then spent time with her in a possessive "She's MY baby!" kind of way, which was actually good because he got to know and love her much more then. Now he comes over and plays with her and baths her (she's great fun in the bath too) and generally does all the fun stuff and yells on me to clean up the food/poo/mess, feed her, change her nappies, take things she shouldn't have off her, tell her off when she's naughty, and generally do all the running about after her.

    I'm not suggesting a break-up is the way to go MrsR! There were ALOT of other factors with us.

    I think Ryn's suggestions are great - if you get him to do things as part of being a good PARTNER< he will fall more in love with DS as a by-product of that and pretty soon he'll want to do them. Even my DP (not DD's father) who has only been spending time with DD for the last 5 months is in love with her because i've asked him to read to her or sit with her in the bath while i'm doing the dishes or organising her pyjamas etc. Babies are hard NOT to love if you just spend a bit of time with them. Demand it for you and you will ALL benefit.

    Bx

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