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I think Lee, that loulabelle doesn't just come from a mother who uses a harness, but one with a spectrum child who just doesn't live amongst our cultures ideals of teaching boundaries. I've been through so much with DD1 and seen and been judged in the shops again and again.
I used to put her in the pram with the 5 point harness with a monkey harness on her back and she still wound up in the car park running many many times. Its not a matter of boundaries or anything or even teaching them.... its a daily struggle and even at 6 years old I still can't trust her to run off. For years she was an escape artist, and still could be if she wanted too. Its a different lifestyle parenting a child on the spectrum... and I guess that its hard not to take things personally when people are assuming that its easy to teach them boundaries as you could other children.
I've had strangers stop me in the shops to tell me how bad a parent I am, I've had people try to smack M in the shops, I've had to hold her down to strap her in and leave my handbag/trolley everything in the middle of the road... I've been lucky and had people offer to help, but most of the time someone wants to tell me how horrible she is and how bad I am at being her parent. I'll tell you, she's alive.... and therefore I've done an awesome job.
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Mummenurse, I don't get why posts always seem to be made so personal? Why do we have to defend ourselves constantly about our parenting? We have to do it in real life, but is the point of this forum not support?
The question asked was for tips to stop a toddler running, not a let's get nasty about one anothers parenting.
Just when I think this forum is where I need to be I start to wonder...
Let's get back to the original topic.
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Christy, you are doing a wonderful job
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Christy, I really do get that no one can fully understand each others perspective since we are not in the same situation. But it's about being respectful of each other.
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Erybery,
Have you tried letting her choose the first thing to see at the shop, then you get to choose something (ie shopping). Shopping gets very boring very quickly for busy toddlers!
I also get my kids to hold the bag while I put the food in, let them find specific things on the shelf etc (obviously not the eggs!) Involving them in the shopping seems to help here.
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To reply to the original question, I use multiple methods, depending on which way the wind is blowing ...
Harness used to work with Pip, until he got too strong and could pull me over when holding onto the strap. But he still loves the cow backpack it comes with and will take it out shopping with us sometimes!!!!
Other times I try to get him to hold the strap on the pram, other times the trolley.
Sometimes I'll have him in the double part of the pram but he bounces on it too much and I'm scared of it hitting the baby underneath.
But the best training I have is "ignoring" him safely when he's pulling a tanty. The other day he refused to get off a ride at the shopping centre so I walked off and "hid" behind a shopping display, and watched him in a mirror. Soon as he discovered that I wasn't going to give in to him, he spent a very long time walking nicely next to me and behaving properly. "Losing" me is the best punishment I find as it teaches him a lesson.
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I have used different methods for my different children. With DS1 I used a wrist strap because he rarely ran away, but when he did I couldn't run after him so this gave him freedom and me peace of mind. With DS2 I kept him in the buggy for ages because he was happy in it, but ran off like a tornado when he was out of it so a harness was unsuitable until he was older. When the twins came along I used a wrist harness for a short while but he was a bit older (and we lived in a very quiet village) so I gave it up. With the twins I had to keep them in the pram until they were quite a lot older. Otherwise I would arrange to go shopping when someone else was looking after them. It was inconvenient, but much better for my heart than trying to wrestle with two toddlers in the shops.
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I wasn't attacking your parenting, if what you do works, thats great.
Its the blanket comment you made " and I can understand why people with anxiety or people who are struggling may use them - once again, whatever they like. There comes a point though when we as mothers have to let go of control." The way I read it is that if mothers are not in this "scenario" then it's not acceptable to use them.
I am not getting nasty about your parenting, it's similiar to my own by the sounds of itI was just picking up on the fact that you "Maybe not intentionally" were the one judging. (IMO of course)
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Ladies!
Be comfortable in YOUR choices, for YOUR children. If you know that you are 100% confident in the decisions you are making for your babies, then that is honestly all that matters, I promise! Heck, I know it's hard when you see or hear a comment that grates you the wrong way, and sometimes that can make you feel attacked for your choice...but really, different strokes for different folks and all that jazz. I have no issue if someone disagrees with something I do...so long as they are respectful about it and not being immature, then okay. Hate the action, not the person. Really, try not to hate *anything*, because hating things feels like crud anyway. Just big
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Here here!
Being a parent is HARD. We don't need others making it harder.
What happened to the sisterhood?
Show some respect and own your choice.
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Nawwwwwww PZ you rock
Love MN ;-)
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Oops! Double post.
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Perhaps if mums like myself were also shown respect, we would do the same. Its very hard not to bite at comments like "i find harness offensive' when you are in a situation like mine ( and many others).it really hurts. I'm judged on my parenting everyday of my life, from friends and family to complete strangers.I don't particularly enjoy reading it on here too. The Keyhole judging thread comes to mind.
Yep, it wasn't a very nice thing to write, Ive deleted it. Doesn't take away from the fact that it upset me though...
Thankyou Christy xxx
ETA - doesn't help that today while at the shops, ds was running wild, lying on the ground and rolling around. The looks I got were awful. Then I log onto to read that if I used a harness I'm going to be judged too. Cant win, you know. I actually burst into tears after all that. That's not beans fault, just the way it is.
Last edited by loulabelle; April 16th, 2011 at 08:15 PM.
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Two wrongs don't make a right
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I know that. I'm not really up for this, logging off for a bit.
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my ds2 is a seriously bad bolter, but he has just come to the realisation now that he has to be in the stroller at the shops. often when i first get there, i will take the kids to the small indoor playground they have set up there, grab myself a coffee and let the 2 of them run wild in the play area for 10 mins. then i strap ds2 in and ds1 walks along next to the pram. i only have limited time that this works for though so i try to quickly get it all done and get out!
best of luck with it, it's a horrible situation to deal with xo
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Things that work for us:
Going when he is not tired or overly hungry.
Taking small snacks I can dole out slowly like small rice cakes, sultanas, cut fruit, fruit bars that break up.
Using a monkey harness while holding his hand (we're still working on consistent holding and will be for years I suspect)
When riding in a trolley round a supermarket I give him the non-breakable items to look at and put in the trolley.
Stroller.
Making a number of quick trips on different days (or in the same day) rather than one long trip with multiple shops visited. I've worked out that he can handle two to three stops before he is over it.
Making sure the day is balanced with not too much time strapped into the car seat/stroller/harness/trolley etc and time to run outside. I think the balance will be different for each kid but I kind of know how much DS can tolerate now itms?
Talking ahead about what is going to happen is starting to pay off. Telling "the story" of what we will do and what behaviour is expected of him and what will happen afterwards often works.
Cutting trips short if he is starting to lose it or becomes too unco-operative.
I also give him a forced choice that he can (for example) ride in the stroller or wear monkey (which also involves holding hands a lot of the time).
Going to the shops when he is at home sleeping (requires someone around to watch him though).
Online shopping is a great idea!
I think the OP's DD sounds extremely independent and interested in the world around her. That will be a positive trait when she is an adult but is hard work now!
This depends on your finances and feelings about CC but another idea would be to put her into occasional care for an hour or two a week to get all of your running around done? Or see if you can find a regular babysitter for an hour or two of an afternoon to be at home with her perhaps.
Good luck with it. She will get there eventually.
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Yesterday I had the worst time with DS.... Usually I do everything right, take him when hes not tired or hungry, make sure hes already had time to play, ask him nicely to talk with mummy and hold my hand ( This usually works for us as he loves praise
He has never really used the pram i used to always put him in the baby part of the trolley but for the last year he has been carried by myself or DH , left at home with DH , or carried by me, whilst pushing the trolley.... but i wasnt pregnant then... Now with a big belly i cant lift him for long and wont risk a kick when hes being feral ( which is every now and then... lately... ( hes 2 1/2 ) so lately
I give him the option of walking or the pram he has chosen the pram a heap of times when he is tired or lazy
and it worked until yesterday
I was looking for two seconds in Big W and he started yelling to get him out. (Not just let me out please mummy, that was the first sentence, then get me out now, now, get me out , help , help me ,,, until he got so loud i let him out, he stood still for a second and tricked me into thinking I could pick up a pair of underwear.... When he took off, and not just a little, he legged it aroundthe whole department laughing like a hyena, with me trying to pull my handbag of the pram and catch him with my preggo belly.... He only stopped when he realised he was lost and started yelling help me mummy.... until i caught up with him.
Id hate to think what would have happenend if it was outside... it was the first time he has ever done this... Now im scared to take him out, i will be leaving hectic things until his preschool day.... lol
I dont know what else to do... When i saw this thread yesterday I was almost tempted to post.... When you figure out how to do it PM me, but left it to see any responses.... Wow what a thread....
I havent tried a harness because I didnt like them, Or need one... Now Id happily take a choker chain... ( JOkes, its my sense of humour)
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