Nae, I feel for you. Newborns are tough. Having an older child must only make things more complicated. The others have given great advice, so I'll just offer some and all my support.
nae, sending you lots of and strength. i'm not there yet, but the most together friend i have (we call her super woman - so organised etc) had her 2nd baby in august. she said in the first few weeks she rang her mum more than once to say she simply 'could not do this'. but her mum told her she could & she has. she still says it's a bit crazy but she's into the swing of things now - it just took time & getting past those first few weeks when everyone is adjusting.
The best thing you can do is just accept that this is the way things have to be for the next couple of weeks. I mean that in the nicest way possible. Sit on the couch all day and cuddle DD2 if that is what she wants. DD1 will survive. I went through exactly the same problems as you and my midwife told me to just accept what is. Best advice she could have given me. The washing, dishes really can wait. Your DD1 can wait for cuddles too. It's not forever and right now your DD2 needs you (and your boobies). Give yourself a break from the guilt. It's hard to do I know. But for your own sanity you need to. This is the hardest time you will ever have. It does get better, and then more better and then you'll get to the point where you couldn't imagine life with only one child. But until then, cuddle that little newborn, let her hang off your boobs (buy a sling for this - covers your bb while she sucks and you can still have hands free) big hugs Nae. You can do this.
Nae - have you tried elevating her head a little bit (put something under the mattress)? It's one thing that is different between being in a bed and being carried.
I have a 2 year old and a 5 week old and my new little one is similar, I had a midwife tell me that after bub has dozed off on the breast pass her to your hubby and get him to rock her to sleep then place her in whatever it is you want her to sleep in as she won't smell your breastmilk. It worked for us in the first few weeks. I also ended up getting an electric breast pump to feed BM via a bottle through the night and on the boob in the day, it really helps! but thats if your into doing that, he only has a feed at 2 am and then I put him on the boob in the bed at around 5 am then we get up so its only one bottle a night but it gets him through until a decent hour and I get two 3 hour blocks of sleep. hang in there!
I really love the idea of expressing,but I honestly do not let down at a pump, I can sit for hours pumping away and get no more than 20-40ml between 2 sides.
I think I will have to resign myself to the fact dd2 just has tofeed all day, If I can get her to sleep in the bassinette at night I'll be happy but so far its not happened and I have resorted to bf her to sleep inbed with me ... still freaks me out though, if anything happened to her I'd never forgive myself.
My DD2 fed for 40+ minutes at a time, and usually had no more than 1.5 hours between feeds during the day and flat out refused to sleep anywhere but on me. At night she slept next to me or not at all. She flat our refused to take a bottle. DD1 was only 12 months old herself so still very much in need of mummy. I ended up spending a lot of time cuddling both girls at the same time - DD2 on my shoulder like a parrot when she wasn't attached to a boob, and DD1 spread across my lap or snuggled up under my arm. The rest of the time there was no choice but for DH to take over with DD1. It was one of the hardest things for me - watching my baby slowly turn to her daddy instead of me. It didn't last though, and it certainly didn't do our bond any harm in the long run.
I understand your concerns about sleeping with your baby when you're just so dead tired, but I really believe that so long as you're not drugged or drunk, your body just knows that your baby is there next to you. You could also try putting a pillow between you, but below your baby's head level so she can still snuggle into you, but your bodies are separated a little. Sharing a bed is I think the only way I survived the first few months.
Those first weeks are pretty hellish with a newborn, but when you have anohter little one to look after it just gets that much harder. Like others have said, ignore everything but DD2 and, when you can, make room for DD1 in bed with you both or whatever. You WILL get there. Just try to go easy on yourself in the meantime.
Nae, Tegam said it succinctly and effectively!
DH is off work for a little while, so let him do his bit with DD1, that's what he's got leave for (apart from also, coincidentally, being on holidays anyway!). This is YOUR turn. Developmentally it will take DD1 a bit longer to adjust to the idea that you can't just leave the new baby for her than it did for my DS to understand the same thing and it WILL happen. She will adjust and she will sync into a new kind of relationship with you when you're out of the newborn woods. It's only been 3 weeks - that's no time at all.
You do sound like you're talking yourself out of your options, and I know you can do that really well
Bella29 said it well about the sleeping. You're tired, a few of us here get that because we've been there. The really cool thing about the hormones your body produces when you breastfeed and co-sleep is that they also enhance your awareness of your baby and the way you're sleeping with her That's good news for you, babe, cos it means your levels of awareness are customised to HER. I know you said you didn't want to do it before she was born, and once they're born and in your arms and presenting you with new challenges all bets are off! That's also good news. No-one here is going to crucify you for going back on your 'word' or accuse you of being a hypocrite. Most of us (ya know, the ones who matter ) will recognise it as 'fine-tuning' and re-evaluating your ideas in the face of the reality you are facing, whilst putting things into perspective and remembering that in no time at all you will look back and go "geez, that didn't last long, I'm glad I did such-and-such when I did or we'd be cleaning bottles, spending money on formula and I'd be a walking zombie anyway". It's a blip on the time scale of DD2's life, and it's a blip that matters.
I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of this has to do with her compensating for the birth aftermath. As well as her own peculiarities that you'll get to know. For now, the reason is handy to know, and not essential - listening to her and what she needs is.
Hey, I'm on AB's now and once I feel like I have some measure of good health back, I can be useful re: DD1. You don't have to do this on your own, there is nothing written anywhere that says you must refuse all offers of help. In fact, I've only ever read, regarding newborn days especially "accept all offers of help", so there! Not sure where we'll be placed next week because we have MiL's dog and we may or may not go to my parents' with 3 dogs, and if we don't go with 3 dogs then it will be after the 6th that we go there for a few days. Apart from that, I'm around and I can go and get DD1 and bring her to the farm for a few hours, if you and DH want to spend time getting to know DD2 together, or figure out some arrangement that lets you just 'be' with DD2. Seriously, we're not meant to do this bit alone.
I can pick up some Udder Cream for your boobs - it's helping me at the moment while DD goes through a super sucky stage (not sure what's going on, but not prepared to distance myself from her when she clearly needs me more for now).
I've had this bloody cough since the day DD2 was born (when I woke up that day feeling it I had a hunch it would be the day she would be born, and voila! There was the message to confirm it when I told DP how crap I felt on the way back from swimming!), so I'm sorry I haven't been more useful. Oh, almost forgot, I had organised something for you that will most likely really help you but I haven't been able to get it to you! Even if I have to leave it in the letterbox, it'll get to you very soon!
I was a very sound sleeper when DS was born, and trusted the words of a lady who's a doula when she said I would 'know', after she learned that we intended to do strict separate sleeping (I know, can you believe it? I was a staunch anti-co-sleeper for our situation!) and I cited my sound sleeping. So, we've done it with two and they're still here and breathing and happy and alive and all that goodness you know about them.
As much as I want you to remember that this time flies and you'll have trouble recalling just how horrendous you feel right now, I also wish for you to savour this time. When DS was this little and mangling my boobs good and proper with tongue tie I had a few mantras and one of them was this: "don't wish this time away because with the painful also comes the delicious, unrepeatable bliss of the other things that come with a newborn". And mangled boobs lasted for several weeks after the TT was snipped...it took a lot of mantra saying...and breathing through gritted teeth till I learned that putting my tongue to the roof of my mouth automatically relaxed my jaw...stick that chestnut somewhere useful, too
Love ya guts xxx
Nae, I hope you're feeling better. I agree with the other girls here - this is your job right now and bottles won't change her need for you . It's ok, it won't be like this forever. Do you have a sling or wrap (sorry, haven't read all replies)?
She will be safe in bed with you. Can you feed her and scoot away a little once she's asleep, perhaps? To make you feel a bit more comfortable.
Is reflux or silent reflux a possibility?
I was in a very similar place to you 2 months ago (DD2 is now 2.5 months) and it was caused by reflux.....the constant feeding (wanting to comfort suck to help with the pain) and the waking up after 5-10 minutes sleep. Not sure if it is a possibility but just thought I'd throw the idea out there just incase.
I know how seriously hard it is, I have 2 girls with a similar age gap to you and those few weeks before we got the reflux thing sorted were HELL. Most days DD1 ended up screaming at me at the top of her lungs 'put C in the basket' and I was just not in the right place to deal with her normal 2 year old stuff.
I am on the same page as you with the co-sleeping thing, I know how I feel when I am sleep deprived (like I am drunk) and it is not a state that I would consider adding a newborn baby to.
I hope things start to look up for you soon...x
and all my support.
2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.
That's good news for you, babe, cos it means your levels of awareness are customised to HER. I know you said you didn't want to do it before she was born, and once they're born and in your arms and presenting you with new challenges all bets are off! That's also good news. No-one here is going to crucify you for going back on your 'word' or accuse you of being a hypocrite. Most of us (ya know, the ones who matter
) will recognise it as 'fine-tuning' and re-evaluating your ideas in the face of the reality you are facing, whilst putting things into perspective and remembering that in no time at all you will look back and go "geez, that didn't last long, I'm glad I did such-and-such when I did or we'd be cleaning bottles, spending money on formula and I'd be a walking zombie anyway". It's a blip on the time scale of DD2's life, and it's a blip that matters.
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