Post Natal Depression - help

[JordieC]

My girlfriend recently had a baby and has very obvious, severe signs of Post Natal - she's seen a health nurse who put her onto counsellor and is seeing doc tomorrow. She is getting worse - feeling anxious, guilty, tired, depressed - everything. She's resentful of her baby.

I know people wil say "just be there for her" but is there anything I can do or say? I rang before and offered my support but she knows that no one can do anything at the moment. PLease help with some ideas, especially if you have been in this situation.

[jmmum]

Jordiec,

I didn't quite have PND. But for awhile after DD was born I struggled a bit. Good friend of mine just came in and made me a cup of tea and tidied up my sink. We then went for a walk just really simply things. But that cup of tea was just great and the walk and chat great. Sometimes is it just these really simply things that can make a difference.

[Charlyfrog]

I hope its ok to reply as I know that you will probably receive many great replies to this from those who have been there and done that on both being the one with pnd and helping someone go through it...... but your post has really got me thinking as to what would I do if I were in your position? And if it were possible, I think I'd gently get myself 'in her space' - but not obtrusively if that makes sense? I'd just go around for a cuppa but I wouldn't be asking all the time if there is anything I could do etc? If it was unobtrusive I'd do what I could for her when I am with her, tidy up here and there, slip a meal in her fridge etc......but mostly, just sit with her......but that's just what I think I'd do - if that is the wrong thing I hope someone corrects this

in regard to her bubby, I'm not sure as in - how involved do you get there if at all? That's a hard one.....I'll be watching this thread too.

[Catastrophic]

Hey i have a friend with post natel - and the best thing i have found i could do with her was just offer her my support. When shes having a hard day just go over there and sit with her and chat. I also feel frustrated thinking that i should be doing more - but atm that is all they really need!

I think my friend is a super mum and shes handling everything great even with her PND -

Just give cuddles and support take her for coffee and let her know your always there for her

Hope that helps

[~Kim~]

Hey Jordie, you are helping by not looking away. most people don't want to acknowledge that there is a major problem so act like there is nothing wrong.
I don't actually remember much of my worst times but I do remember feeling like I'd lost 'me'. Does she have any hobbie that you could take her to? Like a scrapbook class for an hour a week or something like that? Providing her hubbie is good to look after baby.
I agree with the slipping a meal in her fridge or ask her hubby if he can sneak you a basket of ironing or something (so she doesn't feel like she's totally useless when you ask her directly and so it's not piling up around her making the situation more and more hopeless in her mind).
Drop a little affirmation card in her letter box telling her what you love about her and why she is worth the fight for her.
They sound dumb but I've been there and it's desolate.

[~mamaspice~]

Hi Jordie, what a great friend you are
I suffered post natal depression, and like one of the others said I felt like I'd completely lost "Me". I was extremely sleep deprived, overwhelmed, anxious and depressed.
For me, talking about my feelings helped somewhat but the lifesaver for me was anti-depressants. They made me feel like "me" again and i was able to cope much better.
Going around to visit your friend for a coffee and chat will help, and/or bring over a girlie DVD and sit and watch a movie together. As will maybe doing a load of washing etc for her or even offering to look after bub for a couple of hours to let her have a break/sleep if she's tired. I always felt much better when I had some company and help.
Going out can also help, like taking her out for a relaxing lunch or something.

HTH, and best of luck to your friend. I really feel for her. She will get through this.

[christy]

I agree with what others have said. A few things that I desperately wanted when I was suffering bad PND: a shower every day, walking but I had no motivation so if I had it organised with someone else it would work, lunch... I never ate lunch, it was too much work to organise for me.

Maybe offer her 20 minutes every few days to help out with basic stuff.

[BellyBelly]

Get her to come along to the post-natal support groups, its fantastic. Even if you have to come in with her, but ideally her partner if you can get him to take a leading role in helping her in this way. Lisa who facilitates the groups has worked for PANDA for 15 years (post and ante natal depression association), works privately as a counsellor and has written two books on PND. Its taken me 6 years to find the right counsellor, I see Lisa, and I now have hope I can get rid of depression for good. Getting out to the groups too is great, you can see you are not alone and get good help and support from others.

[AnyDream]

Hold the baby for her whenever you are there, and if you're visiting offer to watch the baby while she gets something done for herself. It's great she's seeing a counsellor and I hope the dr is helpful too.

Thanks for being such a supportive and caring friend!

[MamaPan]

hi there
a good friend of mine is also suffering from PND here are some things i have done with her:
1. when i cook meals for our freezer i make a couple and take them around to her as well. i make it like we will do this for each other, rather than that i am 'saving' her iykwim - i also love cooking so i position it that way..
2. now that our babies eat solids i do the same with baby food - freeze little portions for her bub too - she also makes some which i take (but i do a lot more) so i 'sold' the help to her that we can give them more variety that way
3. i enrolled in music classes with her and her baby - 1 activity a week we would do together that was bonding for her and baby too (we dont do this anymore as we are both back at work)
4. drop by for coffee or have her over for coffee and a chat - trying to avoid baby talk most of the time
5. I take my DS to the park near her house and drop past and take her baby too - so she gets even 30 mins to herself to make calls, shower etc etc - about once a week (i also sometimes do this on the weekend so she can spend time with her partner)

just by knowing you are there for her i am sure she is grateful and it is good she is getting professional help as well.

[~clover~]

I think for me what worked was being busy. I needed to be out all the time coz I think I felt lonely. If people came to my house I would've been ok at home, but they didn't, so I was never home.
I was always off shopping, or visiting someone.
Sleep deprivation is one thing, but add lonliness & lack of adult conversation to it & it gets hard.
Being there is a good start. Do you go to a palygroup? Having other mums around might help.
Just going for walks. Coffee every couple of days. Help her get out of the house. Or offer her excuses to anyway.

[Saffi]

What BJ has said reflected my experience with PND. I was happy when I wasn't at home, got anxious when at home with the baby and even more so when things got hard, wanted desparately to sleep but couldn't, wanted to engage with the world but when I did got really anxious.

PND comes in many shapes so what might be PND for one person may not be what another women is experiencing. What works best for someone with PND is medication and cognitive therapy and it sounds like she is going to get that. It is important that both she and her husband to get some professional help to work through this.

I know for me if someone had come in and offered to make me a meal, clean up the house or do things like that I wouldn't have really appreciated it, as for me keeping busy doing the cleaning, the shopping, the cooking was a way of coping and avoiding what was really going on. But that may be the type of support she needs.

I suggest just being there for her to talk at (you don't need to reassure her, offer suggestions or tips on how you cope or do things - just be there for her to vent. Its important that you don't judge her - even unconciously). Being there as a distraction may also help.

It is great that you are being such a good friend to her. She is very lucky to have you.

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

I think what I suffered was actually PTSD (that occured when DD was a few months old) coupled with massive sleep deprivation. For me, what I really wanted was someone to look after DD while I slept and/or had some "me" time. I think that's probably the biggest thing you could do for her. Or perhaps her partner (does she have one?) can take her baby, you can find someone to watch yours and the two of you can go out to lunch or a movie? Feeling connected to the world again would help, i'd think, plus the adult friendship and company without constantly worrying about the next interruption from bubs!

She's very lucky to have such a caring friend as you.