Please help calm my anxiety over sleep!

[Plinky]

Hi everyone,

I have a 13 month old DS, who is just wonderful in everyway. He is generally a good sleeper BUT it seems like he takes a long time to get to sleep when first put down - generally between 20-30 mins. Is this normal? He's usually happy enough, just shouting, babbling...generally being very cute, but at the time to me its the furthest thing from it.

I have anxiety, and hearing him playing around and making noises and stuff gets me worked up so bad that I often end up in tears I know I shouldn't be like this, I know I should be happy that he does sleep quite well...but I just can't help it And once he is asleep I feel so angry at myself for getting upset.

So, basically, I just want to hear how long it takes other babies of the same age to fall asleep?

PS: I've tried widening/shortening the time between his sleeps, dropping one sleep....none of it seems to make any difference.

[onthefly]

It's fine- this is just the way he goes to sleep. No need to worry

[Tuesday's Child]

beany. I know your anxiety makes it hard, but try not to worry. It's common for adults to take 20-30 minutes to fall asleep. Actually, I think the sleep advice is that you shouldn't fall asleep as soon as you lay down as that is a sign of extreme tiredness. So good things I would take from it is that he's happy to be alone in his cot and he's getting enough sleep and isn't going to bed too tired. FWIW, I'm so jealous of DS's ability to settle himself, DD is a long way from it.

[Santosha]

Can I ask what's going through your head while you're waiting for him to go to sleep? What are you thinking? What do you expect to happen? I know anxiety is AWFUL and I certainly don't want to in any way take away from how stressful this is for you. But as an outsider, I have to say that I think your DS sounds like he settles beautifully! Well done! It's fantastic that he can 'chat' himself to sleep. I rocked DD for 18 months (if I hadn't she would have screamed the walls down) and even now that she can 'sort-of' self- settle at 20 months, we often face 1-2 hours of silliness and mucking around before she will even consider lying down and trying to sleep.

So that said, I think your solution here has gotta come from working on what makes you feel so awful while waiting for him to settle and finding ways to detach and soothe yourself. Good luck hun.

[~Kaz~]

Hun anxiety is awful and I know what it's like to get very worked up over what should be a 'minor' issue related to sleep.

I think this is just his way of self settling. 20-30 minutes is a normal time frame to settle down from fully awake to fully asleep. I agree with a PP to look at what you are thinking while he is settling and to try to challenge those thoughts or otherwise distract yourself until he is asleep. Remind yourself that he is normal, that other mum's (myself included!) would love to have such a consistent sleeper, that winding down after the day is normal, adults need to do it and so do babies. My DS is 22 months and he is still grumbling and moaning himself to sleep and that is on a good night. I guess it's all relative but to me it's a sign that your DS is a good sleeper that you are not in here posting about how to cope with crying, calling out and screaming at bedtimes.

Perhaps read up on sleep, sleep cycles, the process of falling asleep (in terms of brain wave activity etc). Maybe knowing the physiology behind sleep, going to sleep and waking up will help ease your anxiety?

[trishalishous]

I agree that its just his way of settling.
I know I personally take about 30 mins to fall asleep after Im in bed.

[Cassius2]

it's totally normal and healthy and definitely not a sign of bad sleep or impending bad sleep habits.

as for the anxiety, i have been there with a PTSD that also had me quite anxious with the noises that bubba makes when going to sleep (and waking as well in my case!). so what i have learnt to do over the years is put the kids in bed, draw a glass of wine and head outside in the back and rest under the trees after a hard days work . i found that it helps heaps as you tend to not hear the noises or focus on them so much. every now and then i get up and check that they are not upset or crying etc and then head back out. nice way to end the day i reckon!

[Plinky]

Thank you all so much for your replies, its comforting to know that it seems fairly normal.

Santosha - Its hard to pinpoint exactly what is going through my head, but I suppose its a mix of feeling like he should be sleeping, he's not doing what he's supposed to be doing, what if he won't sleep? I think a lot of it has to do with control - I put him to bed to sleep, and he isn't (well, he does eventually, but at that moment it feels like he'll never go to sleep) I dunno...I know it sounds so silly, and it is.

Kaz - Thanks, I think that might be a good idea, I'll try to look into the physiology behind falling asleep. That would help I think.

Cassius2 - Sorry to hear about your PTSD I think that my problem is that I listen too much to the noises he makes. It would be so much easier for me to just go into my room and close the door and read a magazine or something. But a stupid part of me feels like if I sit and listen to it enough, that somehow I will get 'used' to the noises he makes and I'll be ok. Well...1 year on and thats not working!! Perhaps I just need to accept that its best for me not to listen, so long as I keep checking up on him.