Is it really my fault that she's clingy?

[Tilda]

Yesterday I spent my only break of the day while 14 month old DD was asleep listening to my aunt tell me that I'm an overprotective, over-attentive, over-anxious mother that is smothering my child and that this is why she is such a demanding toddler and that my life is going to be hell when the next baby comes along in July. (I know - more fool me for listening). And this is the seriously abbreviated version. The lecture went on for about half an hour until I was so speechless with tears that I had to hang up the phone. But I feel like my parenting style has been shaped by my DD to a certain extent. Yes, I give her a lot of attention. But what else are you supposed to do when she's hanging off you screaming for it? And then it becomes a bit of a habit and you find yourself avoiding trying to do a lot while they're up because you know it just involves a lot of whinging, screaming and interruptions. So I do admit I tend to do a lot of child-centred stuff when she's awake. Does anyone have any thoughts about whether this is really a situation of my own making? And I would like to encourage more independence but no-one can seem to really suggest how. Help?

[~Hestia~]

that wouldn't have been a nice thing to hear.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all! Your DD sounds like a normal 14 month old to me. FWIW my little guy is almost 18 months, we have been through stages where I haven't been able to leave the room without him screaming and coming after me. At the moment he is being very independent and would rather make his own fun I'm enjoying being able to get some things done!

[berrme]

I haven't had a clingy child myself, but my best friend does and I really don't think she did anything to make him that way. I think some kids are like that, and you do what you have to do so that you don't have to listen to whining all day long.
As far as having an awful time when bub 2 comes along, try not to worry too much. 6 months is a long time for a toddler, and they change so fast between 1 and 2! You will probably find that your DD is much more mature and independent by then, and f she isn't then having a sibling might just force her to be more independent.

[Laranna]

I'm hearing you! This morning at playgroup, I couldn't even walk 3 metres across the room without DD crying. It can feel very draining. It's wearing me thin at the moment so I can completely sympathise

[~Trish~]

You sound like you are doing a brilliant job. I reckon it all comes down to bub's personality and age. All mine have been clingy at one stage or another. DS2 was velcro-boy for a LONG time. I didn't parent him any different to the others, it was just the way he was. It was hard work while he went through that stage, but he grew out of it without me doing anything . FWIW he was 22 months when DD was born and coped brilliantly with less attention from me

More hugs, that must have been so upsetting to listen to .

[~Kim~]

some people think everyone else's children are their business.
Isn't tending to your child and interacting with them and nurturing them to grow and be independent the whole reason for having children?
Both my kids have been like that. DD is now a very happy, bright social child of nearly 5. DS is a bit more independent earlier, but you know what I think that's DD as company as opposed to what I've done.
Have faith in yourself babe. Parenting is a tough gig on any day, and most of them there are people who don't agree with your style, but pooey to them.

[OceanPrincess]

Hi Tilda,

I feel your pain. While I didn't have a super clingly LO, I had a super cyclonic bundle of energy who would not and really could not play, or even just be, on her own, without her getting into some form of trouble, mischief, mayhem or actual danger. This period lasted from when she could crawl (9mths or so) until about a month ago. She's almost two.

Might sound like most toddlers - getting into everything, exploring everything, but she was worse than most, I know this from seeing other kidlets in our playgroups, our family, etc. She is so curious and just into anything. As an example - last year we went to my cousin's house, my cousin has 4 kids, aged 10yrs down to 2yrs. At this stage my DD was 18mths, the not-at-school kids were playing in the backyard (four of them) and I had relaxed assuming that with four kids of her own, her backyard would be pretty safe. Silly me. All of sudden my sister noticed her DD (8mths older than mine) and my DD were missing. We started looking - they were out the front of the house, in the garden (thank goodness). We asked them how they got there - they lead us back to a teeny tiny hole in the gate between the secure backyard and the driveway/front of the house, that they had squashed their way through - following the cat. My cousin lives just off a busy busy road. We can't confirm - but we are pretty sure that it would have been my fearless DD who took off after the bloomin' cat!!!

Anyway - point I'm trying to make is that for the better part of 18mths I have not felt comfortable doing anything while my DD was awake, unless she was playing right at my feet while I did dishes or something. She just needed to be constantly supervised, guarded, watched, you get it. A bit different to your DD, she doesn't often demand attention, but I still needed to be with her all the time. I could only shower if she was asleep or in the bathroom tearing up toilet paper or something! So I know what it is like.

I totally believe it is not your parenting style that makes them who they are. Their little personalities and how they deal with things and interact with the world is already built into them when they are born. You can shape, guide, teach, but at the end of the day, they are who they are.

As for what you can do - you can start a little task with her, like playing with some form of toy (blocks, dolls, whatever) then encourage her to keep playing and back away, saying something like "Mummy will be just over here doing xyz. Mummy can see how well you are playing, fantastic!". See if she keeps going, and if she does, keep praising her. Might help? Sorry... not sure what else to offer... other than she will most likely grow out of it, sooner or later!

My little cyclone has definitely settled down - she will now sit and happily play while I'm in another room and I am confident she won't kill herself, her brother, our flatscreen or the cat

[Tilda]

Thanks everyone!! I'm pretty sure she'll change a lot before the next bub too. She's already changed a lot over the last couple of months. Can I ask another quick question....I'm contemplating putting DD into family daycare for a couple of part days each week to give me a chance to rest while I'm pregnant and to give me some less chaotic time with the new baby. Do you think that separation can make them more clingy? My instinct has been a bit like Artechim's until now. Be there and eventually she'll move away of her own accord but I also wonder if a bit of space might do us both good.

[Artechim]

I think it is a combo of parenting style and the child's personality. But that isn't a bad thing. As you said, what else can you do if they are screaming for attention?

My DS was extremely clingy, wouldn't play by himself for more than a couple of minutes, wouldn't leave my side at mothers group etc. Then DD came along and I parented her the same but she has always been happier to play by herself/with DS, she disappears the second we get to playgroup and I have to hunt her out.

But what I have always read was that if you are there when they are being clingy (and I know it is a PITA a lot of the time), they will eventually end up being independent and confident little people secure in the knowledge that mum will be there when they need you. For us this has been true. DS made a bit of progress around 2ish and started playing away from me at mothers group, then at around 3 over a couple of months he suddenly went from a shy stand-back sort of kid to the leader in the middle of all the big kids. We have been amazed at the transformation! So just because she is clingy now, there is no reason to think that she is going to be 13 and still hanging off you.

Hang in there, you are doing a good job and she will be fine.

And pfttt to your aunt, who the hell is she to tell you how to raise kids??!!