Is it really my fault that she's clingy?

[OceanPrincess]

Hi Tilda,

I feel your pain. While I didn't have a super clingly LO, I had a super cyclonic bundle of energy who would not and really could not play, or even just be, on her own, without her getting into some form of trouble, mischief, mayhem or actual danger. This period lasted from when she could crawl (9mths or so) until about a month ago. She's almost two.

Might sound like most toddlers - getting into everything, exploring everything, but she was worse than most, I know this from seeing other kidlets in our playgroups, our family, etc. She is so curious and just into anything. As an example - last year we went to my cousin's house, my cousin has 4 kids, aged 10yrs down to 2yrs. At this stage my DD was 18mths, the not-at-school kids were playing in the backyard (four of them) and I had relaxed assuming that with four kids of her own, her backyard would be pretty safe. Silly me. All of sudden my sister noticed her DD (8mths older than mine) and my DD were missing. We started looking - they were out the front of the house, in the garden (thank goodness). We asked them how they got there - they lead us back to a teeny tiny hole in the gate between the secure backyard and the driveway/front of the house, that they had squashed their way through - following the cat. My cousin lives just off a busy busy road. We can't confirm - but we are pretty sure that it would have been my fearless DD who took off after the bloomin' cat!!!

Anyway - point I'm trying to make is that for the better part of 18mths I have not felt comfortable doing anything while my DD was awake, unless she was playing right at my feet while I did dishes or something. She just needed to be constantly supervised, guarded, watched, you get it. A bit different to your DD, she doesn't often demand attention, but I still needed to be with her all the time. I could only shower if she was asleep or in the bathroom tearing up toilet paper or something! So I know what it is like.

I totally believe it is not your parenting style that makes them who they are. Their little personalities and how they deal with things and interact with the world is already built into them when they are born. You can shape, guide, teach, but at the end of the day, they are who they are.

As for what you can do - you can start a little task with her, like playing with some form of toy (blocks, dolls, whatever) then encourage her to keep playing and back away, saying something like "Mummy will be just over here doing xyz. Mummy can see how well you are playing, fantastic!". See if she keeps going, and if she does, keep praising her. Might help? Sorry... not sure what else to offer... other than she will most likely grow out of it, sooner or later!

My little cyclone has definitely settled down - she will now sit and happily play while I'm in another room and I am confident she won't kill herself, her brother, our flatscreen or the cat

[fionas]

Call your aunt back and say if it's all about nurture rather than nature then you're going to have words with your grandma for raising her to be such a b***h?

OK, that was a bit harsh and honestly, I can understand how people get these theories. I used to believe the same thing - that it was ALL in the parenting. A naughty toddler was one who hadn't been taught the difference between right and wrong etc. etc.

Now that I have quite a "naughty" child myself, I'm much more inclined to think that kids just come out whatever way they're meant to come out. We can't change their basic nature but we can gently encourage them towards more positive behaviours which work when they're developmentally ready. BTW, I'm not saying that clinginess is a "negative behaviour" at all, just that at some point with a little encouragement and when she's ready, she will become more independent and in the meantime, don't stress.

[willow5]

Call your aunt back and say if it's all about nurture rather than nature then you're going to have words with your grandma for raising her to be such a b***h?

:yeahthat: Love it!
Your Aunt should butt out!

Hi Tilda My answer to your original question is NO. Not your fault at all! I agree with all the posters so far. I've also found it good to read the replies, it's made me feel better about DS3.
He is super clingy, screaming and coming after me 95% of the time when I leave the room, or attempt to. I constantly avoid doing anything while he's awake, which is most of the time. Then if he does decide to amuse himself, (the other 5% of the time) it's by completely destroying or being into something he really shouldn't be, like OceanPrincess described her cyclone, I call DS3 my baby tornado.
All my boys have been different, with DS3 being the most hard work by far. They are how they are and I think you said that your parenting has been shaped by her, well that's exactly how it should be IMO.

You are doing a fantastic job!! She will grow and mature so much between now and when the baby arrives, it will be just fine, might not be a breeze, but it will be fine. I would however decline any more "support" from your aunt!

[Tilda]

Thanks again all! I'll definitely incorporate that into my speech to my aunt Fionas LOL! And I love hearing about how different all your boys are Willow. Such good proof that its sooooo much to do with temperament. I'm over all the finger pointing at the mother. In an act of depleted confidence I went out and bought Toddler Tactics by Pinky McKay today. I seem to already be doing a lot of what she suggests. You gotta love Pinky.