Scared Baby

[Smoke Jaguar]

Hey, Mel, you've been through the ringer, and now you have a beautiful son that someone else wants to love - you've done well!!
I believe that the experiences during pregnancy that a mother has can affect the child, by transmission of stress hormones that DO cross the placenta. Studies on unborn children show that they react to the mother's fear, the respond to the mother's relaxation states etc, because the bodies natural hormones are shared with the baby through the bloodstream. So, it's likely that your little boy needs the extra reassurance that you can provide, now that he's on the outside
Also, at some stage he will know that his real daddy didn't want him. That might hurt him, but he will ALWAYS know that as much as ONE person didn't want him, his mummy is the bees knees and his daddy (your DP) loves him as well. So you cuddle whenever you want - after all, they all get to a stage when they don't want your cuddles, so get 'em while you can!
Your DP will need to let go of any ideas about 'toughening the boy up'. If DS is sensitive and slightly anxious naturally, insistence on being a 'big strong boy' will drive his real self underground. Worse still, someone who is taught that their natural disposition is a bad thing can overcompensate by becoming insensitive to everyone around them. Successful men are not the ones who pretend they don't have feelings - they're the likeable ones that people feel they can approach and talk to.
In my situation, I cuddle my boy constantly. I tell him I love him all the time, even when he's asleep! I kiss him and hold him, we co-sleep, I breastfeed him whenever he wants it etc. Now, he's not a sensitive kid (he's the opposite, he is absolutely fearless and laughs when you frighten him - he could do with more fear factor!), but that's my point - cuddling them and being there for them makes no real difference to their personalities.
Put it this way: if needs extra cuddles, it is better to give them to him than to withhold them. He'd be called a 'high needs baby' and they are completely normal, you'll be pleased to know. No amount of 'talking tough' will change that. The last thing you want a high needs baby to do is to stop communicating their needs - you don't want them to think they are alone and that there's no point asking for help.
You are doing the best that you can by Jonathan - that's all that you can give DP sounds like a gem, I hope he can work out his relationship positively with your son.
Also, Pinky Mackay has a website if you want to google it (although I think there's a link to it somewhere here in the Articles secion).
Don't doubt yourself and don't think that your age stops you from being a good mother, because that's just not true. When you listen to yourself and your son, then mummy really does know best.

[Mel86]

Mayaness thank you so much That is what I thought originally cuddle whenever I can lol. My DP got a lil upset last night kus I snatched Jonathan out of his arms when he was gasping for breath, so we will be having a deep and meaningful this afternoon because he needs to realise that I am mum and if my lil man is crying he needs his mummy. I am a bit worried about talking to him about it because I don't want him to think that I am being selfish or unreasonable. But what got me the most last night was the fact that after he scared him and he was crying really badly he didnt really do anything (like calming him down), whereas if it was me holding him I would get up and walk around with him and talk softly to him. I know that DP is as new at this as I am but for some reason this time I just felt really angry about the whole thing and I felt as though at the time I could have just lost it at DP. I really just dont like seeing my lil one upset. Am i being selfish and overprotective or am I being reasonable?
How would you approach the situation of talking about it? I asked my mum and she said just say how you feel, but me and DP have been together for just over 8 months and not had one argument whereas myself and my ex argued all the time and I am scared of getting into that pattern again.

By the way I have also googled Pinky Mackay and I will be reading that this afternoon.

[Smoke Jaguar]

It takes strong man not to feel displaced during the first 6 months of a baby's life and a good way to deal with the inevitable feelings of being left out is to really highlight where they CAN help and be an important part of the baby's life.
For instance, my DP knew that bathtime was his thing. For the first few months, too (till I foolishly took over!), he washed and folded the nappies. He got cuddles when DS was calm and quiet, but he knew what his limits were - upset baby needs boob!
To DP's advantage, his younger brother had his son at age 19, then a daughter at 21, and most recently a 3rd child, so he had been there to witness that a daddy DOES become more important to the baby all in good time. Once they realise that there ARE some things that they can't do as well as mummy can, they can take the pressure off themselves and just play the waiting game.
That's not to say that they may as well not be there, I don't mean that at all. Your DS will know who his daddy is and that he is there, he just doesn't need him for his basic survival. He WILL be a very important role model for him in the not too distant future. In a nice balance, at about the time that daddies become more important, mummies don't have to be there as much.
Sometimes, too, no matter how sensitive DP is being, there is nowhere else baby wants to be except with mummy. There's no getting around that. That might help you, too, to realise that when you see DP not being as responsive as you would like, and it might ease your frustration with him. You will need to be his example, and it will take a while to kick in! The last thing you want to do is to make DP feel inadequate. Some daddies also get offended being told that they are not as important and effective as mummy, so us girls have to find sneaky ways to make daddies feel useful I'd start with bathtime - that can be 'their' thing. Also, if you have a sling, or can borrow one, he can carry him when he's calm - just watch his face and body language when he realises that his son has fallen asleep on him! It is such a confidence booster for them, but start out giving DS over when he is calm, or he will feel defeated if he is given an already upset child and can't calm him effectively.
My DS can go to DP for comfort now (still not as good as booby, but he knows that he's safe with DP and that it's a good place to be in his arms).
If your DP can accept that it's just the hardwiring of a baby's brain and body to be so dependant on his mummy (you need to find a nice way to say this!), he will feel alot more part of his life. Your cuddling of DS doesn't cut out DP at all, but I can see how men would easily see it that way.
Do some reading of Pinky, Sheila Kitzinger, Dr Sarah Buckley, if you can, and use what you learn from them to talk to DP. Also, there are some excellent 'Dad' articles here on BB that you could print out for him.
Daddies are very important to babies, just in a different way from mummies for a while, and for very good reason
ETA: this may seem a little airy fairy and tree hugging hippy, but here it is:
Before you talk to DP, sit down by yourself and close your eyes. Remind yourself that you are going to talk to him because you love him and you love your son. You are going to speak from the heart. When you speak from the heart, it's difficult for someone to take offence and call you a smart@rse. Like your mum said, talk about what you have been feeling. Ask him to talk from his heart, too (he might think that's a weird thing to ask, but it should get his defensive walls down). THEN begin the conversation, beginning where you feel comfortable.