Is she too reliant on me?

[Smoke Jaguar]

Sarah, if she were 12 years old and only you could settle her when upset, I'd say 'yes, too reliant'!
I don't know quite how he came about it, but my DP came to understand and accept that DS would only settle with me mostly. He had seen from friends and family experiencet that his time would come. Guess what? It did! Without forcing the issue, either. And still, there are plenty of times that DS will still need only me for consolation. But he's only 2. Before I know it, he'll only want to follow Daddy into the shed for comfort and realise that 'shed time' is a good stress reliever.
It's not personal, it's biological that babies turn to mummies for comfort - it's programing! When there is no mummy around for tragic reasons, babies adjust and realise it's only Daddy that can tend to their needs. Otherwise, if there's a mummy, why deny her?
Sounds like you know what to do It's hard when Daddy feels a bit rejected and can't quite get beyond that to realising it's natural. Daddies definitely get their time (as well as grannies and grandads!).

[Charlyfrog]

Just a thought...........at settling time, or when your little one is struggling, how about you begin by holding her, as you know she will quieten but at the same time DH holds both of you so your little one is snuggled just as close to your DH's chest and then after doing that a couple of times, swap who holds her.....even exchanging during the cuddle but stay close. All the while tell her how lovely daddy is, how much you love him and he loves you AND your little one. Then slowly over time, start loosening your hold until you are maybe able to just lay your head on DH's shoulder with a hand on your daughter.........and so on.

It might sound like a crazy idea but we did this with DD#2 to a small degree and it seemed to help. With another little one to care for, I can't be strapped to DD#2 all the time and it seems silly if DH is there as DD#1 needs me as well and she's still little in her own right so I want DD#2 to learn that actually Daddy rocks just as much as mummy There are sometimes when I can't be there, ie if I had to head out in car etc and it did feel weird to see her sad but DH would say, as soon as I'm out of sight, within minutes she's like, mummy who? Now she waves and says, "Eee-yah!" Nice... lol!!!

Having said that, she is a bit older so that makes a difference, but just a thought anyways.

[Kristin27]

Just wanted to say thanks for the thread. I'm having the same issue with my 4 month old DD. Usually DH can settle her too, but sometimes she just loses the plot and cries and screams (yes screams!) if too many people are in her face goo-ing and ga-ing at her. It just annoys me how people (MIL) make me feel bad about it, like i've sheltered her and I have made her clingy to me - I haven't! I hope it's just a phase and if it's only me and DH that she feels safe with so be it.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Kristin, my mum made me feel I was doing something "wrong" too (and told me so in as many words).

But MiL annoyed me more. Every time DS cried, she started saying "waa, waa, waa". I mean, what was that about? But if DS's crying wasn't stressing me, MiL's annoying calls certainly were getting me ready to bite someone's head off.

Remind me of this when my children have babies please!

[Smoke Jaguar]

Every time DS cried, she started saying "waa, waa, waa". I mean, what was that about?

That is SO rude! Imagine if someone did that to her when she was upset! Also, it reminded me of one of the mothers in my mothers group...she does this to her daughter What kind of human being is she shaping, when she refuses to model empathy...or even sympathy? This is the kind of person who is terrified of anyone being reliant on her, even when it's the natural course of things (i.e. your offspring and their survival instinct!)...needless to say, she didn't think much of the breastfeeding relationship and it lasted only weeks (she hated being so at her daughter's disposal even from the beginning...interesting girl, just devoid of sentiment for some reason).
Anyway, RH, how bloody rude of your MIL, DS's 'loving' grandmother!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

THANK YOU, Mayaness! Apparently it's good to repeat what Baby says; this makes Baby play babbling games. Yup, that's why I babble back at him, as well as talk like a normal human being. But to just mimic his cries without any "hush-ush my darling, Mammy's here, tell me about it all now" or the like... I just REALLY hated it and it got my stress levels up. Bad enough one crying baby without someone else joining in!

[paradise lost]

The craziest thing is i know a mum at my MG who does this and her kids cry ALL. THE. TIME. My DD has always had my sympathy whenever she cried. Even if she cries because i take something she's not allowed from her i will follow up with an "I know honey but that's dangerous/for later/mama's. Life can feel unfair can't it?" and snuggle her. When she falls over i always make little of the injury while makeing much of her response, so if she falls unless it was obviously a really bad one i stand her back up and say "Sweetie PIE, oh darlin that must of hurt when you fell down, is it ok?!" and let her know that i HEAR her.

I now have a kid who threw herself backwards off the sofa yesterday and landed on her head on laminate flooring and said "OW!" then carried on playing - she doesn't NEED to cry and cry to have her experiences and emotions validated! THis mum often says "Oh, yours NEVER cries" and i just think to myself emotional resilience comes from feeling trust, not experiencing ignorance!

Bx

[Kristin27]

Rosehip Fairy LMAO I also say to DD when she cries 'tell me all about it'. It's her only way of expressing herself and that's what she's doing, I don't understand why people think babies are being naughty when they cry - they're just communicating!


Has anyone had success leaving mummys shirt with DH or a babysitter?

[Indadhanu]

Sarah, this is a bit late but I so know how you feel. If I'm in the bath and Jazz starts crying I know I have to get out because as much as Shel wants to settle her she just can't. It upset Shel for a while until I explained that Jazz just needs to know that her boobies haven't gone anywhere, cos its instinct you know, babies want to be near the person that nourishes them because otherwise how would they live? It can be so frustrating though (but it kinda makes me feel special ).

Grrrrrrrr I know just how you all feel about people who have absolutely NO empathy to a crying baby. SIL came around yesterday (first time in a few weeks...) and picked Jazz up (while she was playing happily BTW ) and Jazz cried and SIL just laughed her head off saying "oh, aren't you a sooky baby!"... I just wanted to take Jazz and b!tchslap SIL! She's not sooky! You're a stranger who just grabbed her without warning and interrupted her play! What do you expect?!?!?! Made me so mad!
BTW, Shel and I also say "aww, its ok, tell us all about it, oh lifes hard for a baby huh!".

Will try the shirt thing and see how that goes.

[Smoke Jaguar]

It upset Shel for a while until I explained that Jazz just needs to know that her boobies haven't gone anywhere

...Shel could always lactate, then you could both be booby mummies!

[Indadhanu]

PMSL I love to say that just to watch her face! She's not really interested in that unfortunately, but thats ok I don't mind cos I love the special bfing time (it gets me out of cooking )

[Smoke Jaguar]

I figured you may have already explored this question
I reckon I'd be a bit possessive about it, too, in a similar situation - if men could lactate, there's not much chance I'd be encouraging DP to take over or fill in for me...it's just something boy and me can escape to!