Transition to 2 kids...

[redgum]

I'm not coping so well with the transition from 1 to 2 kids. I feel totally out of control and exhausted. DD is a handful, she's a demanding and testing child. She's a very busy 3yo, who knows what she wants and doesn't want. I struggle to discipline her and keep her under control her behavior at times is intolerable. When I have both kids on my own I struggle to do anything. Going to the supermarket etc etc. I feel like a total failure as I'm not parenting her how I would like. I'm so exhausted and I loose patience with her disobedience. I try everything to get her to do things like go to bed, eat dinner, pick up her toys, get ready, brush hair etc etc I ask her nicely, I ask her firmly, I bribe, I threaten to take things away and in the end I'm so frustrated I end up shouting and loosing it. DH works long hours and is rarely home for bed and bath, I feel like a terrible mum and a failure how can I not cope with 2 kids like everyone else. I don't have family help and se days when both children are screaming and demanding my attention I just hate it and my mind fills with resentment that this is how my life is.
Please don't get me wrong I love both my kids more than life itself but it's just too hard at times. I need a good nights sleep, I need tools to deal with DD. I'm lucky as DS is fairly chilled, but am not getting enough sleep at night. How can I get through this without damaging the kids and breaking me?

[candy_maree]

Redgum - firstly, you're not a failure! I have almost 8 years between my 2 and I struggle with the attitudes of DS1 and sometimes drop my bundle and yell at him. You're doing a great job, not everyone is having it as easy as it might look from the outside. I know people are always surprised to hear how I am really travelling.
While you don't have family help, do you have close friends you can call on?

[sloane]

You're not a terrible mum and you're absolutely not a failure either.

And other mums may all seem to cope but you could bet on most of them having times/days when they don't cope or have tough days.

my two are a similar age gap to yours (2 yrs and 9 months between mine) and it really took me a while to find my groove. I actually stopped posting on bb because I felt like a rubbish mum. I'm not sure when things improved or whether I just chose to be kinder to myself. It certainly has got easier. Do you think some one on one time with your dd would help her behaviour at all? Stay consistent with her. If you google janet lansbury, her site had some great blogs and suggestions on dealing with behavior. Or she may be like my ds who just grew out of alot of it (at about 4.5).
Are there things you can do like online shopping to take some pressure off? Or taking your dd to a park so she can play and run off some energy. A good playgroup can be a great source of support (and sanity!) too.
be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to adjust. You're not damaging them but you do need time to nourish yourself

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Have you had a chat with your dd about what you expect, and consequences for not doing things?

Can you have a snuggly movie time while your ds sleeps in the day? That's both restful and a positive experience together.

I remember buying Liebling magazine every time we went food shopping, so he'd sit in the trolley and look at the pictures. (He liked Private Eye, his bestie preferred Farmer's Life.)

Fwiw, I can't imagine doing a 3yo Liebs and a baby! He was just not ready for it. But 4yo Liebs was tender, loving and caring with 1yo babies at nursery. Hope that encourages you.

[Mummato2]

You are not a failure xx

I can relate to so much of what you have written.

My DH is a business owner and works long hours so that I can stay home with the kids. Mine are 23 months apart and honestly, the first 3 years with DD was HARD. My DS was at an age where he didn't understand/care, very egocentric. DD had reflux, I was sleep deprived and the end was not possibly in sight.

I remember saying to DH that if I had have realised how much stress this was, I wouldn't have had kids....

BUT now they are 4 and 6 and it is so much better! At some point the sleep sorts itself out, with better sleep the light is in sight and things are easier to manage.

I know this doesn't help you right now, I just want to let you know that it will get better xx

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. When bub is down for a rest, do something quiet with DD, even if it is TV for her and a nap on the lounge for you. Anything that means you rest.

Don't stress about the house and anything else. That can wait - it will wait. Speak to your DH about how hard things are right now. I did that with mine and he took over things like folding washing, mopping floors etc while I got the basics done - bathrooms, kitchen etc. I don't think I made a bed in over a year when DD was a baby (changed yes, but made nope).

More than anything, on the days that DH is off, ask for time to have a catch up nap. Time for just you. If your kids are having a day where there is lots of whinging, crying etc. don't feel guilty about putting in some ear buds and listening to some music. You are still there, can still meet needs - it's just quieter.

It'll get better honey xxx

[MummyNaomi]

Awww Redgum, Hugs

Firstly Breathe, 2 little kids sucks the life right out of ya doesn't it, its hard, and rarely are both sleeping, settled, happy at the same time.
I found I had to change my expectations as I just couldn't achieve would I could with one, so during the day when bubs was sleeping I would spend some 1on1 time with the 3yo, either playing with him, watching a movie together or making my chores a bit fun and getting him to help me so I was achieving something - amazing how much fun you can make the washing - basketball throws to get the clothes in the machine, then pressing the buttons on the washing machine is heaven to a 3 yo. He'd help me prepare dinner, and if I needed to tidy up or do a bit of cleaning I'd give him very special jobs that he'd do with glee - superhero jobs!!
Anyway, in a nutshell, lowering my expectations helped, then I felt more relaxed during the day, which in turn gave me a bit of extra energy to have a crazy 30-60 mins after bedtime where amazingly I could seemingly conquer the world once the kiddies were sleeping. I also needed to be honest with my DH to help him understand how hard it was, and that I needed him to pitch in more when he got home (no matter what time)

My DD (now 20 months) is also a demanding child, she is hard work, much harder than my first, she challenges me constantly. I have learned to pick my battles Otherwise I get totally frustrated with her and yell like a crazy banshee which of course achieves nothing except scare the kids and give me a millisecond of relief followed by a day of the mother guilts. I always tell myself that when she is older, determined, achieving what she wants and in control I will find these qualities to be strengths as they will serve her well as a young lady and adult. Frankly currently they just drive me batty - a clash of wills!!

Hugs to you, and try to get through each day a block at a time - Morning to Morning tea, Morning tea to lunch, Lunch to arvo tea, etc etc, made the day easier, and if one of those blocks when to crap I'd start afresh in the next block rather than writing off the day and giving up xxx

[redgum]

Thank you so much to you all!!! This made me feel so much better... There is a gear post on Pinky McKays Facebook page this morning that covered some of this topic.
I love all your suggestions and am going to have a think how I can help myself. I love the comments about being kind to myself... That I know I'm not. Thank you all for taking the time to reply xx