Who do you let have a bath with your child?

[squidipa]

I think that is really wrong and crosses the line. Why did she feel the need to have a bath with him in the first place? Not to mention taking the happy snap of it as well! This is something that really needs to be addressed with them ASAP because like others said, it makes you wonder what else they have done, or would do, behind your back. Clearly there is no respect for you as the parents.

well said sweet

[ClareBear28]

Thanks everyone, you're making me feel less like a paranoid Mum! Next stumbling block is - we are getting married this Saturday, and my fiance doesn't want me to say anything until after the wedding so we don't upset his Mum too much and create tension (especially considering we live with them).... should I wait, or address it now straight after it happened?

[Trillian]

As much as it is something that needs to be sorted out now, I think it would be best to wait till after the wedding because the leadup to a wedding is stressful enough without something as important as this getting in the way as well. Plus after the wedding no one will be sidetracked by wedding things or worried about anyone throwing a tanty before the big day because she's been taken to task over what she's done. Also by then you will be his wife and in theory you should be higher up to totem pole LOL.

[MamaPan]

yeah I agree wait til after the wedding and then address it - if I had brought something like this up before a big event like a wedding ILs would have put it down to the 'stress' and prob not taken me seriously!!!
The only reason i would bring it up beforehand is if it makes you mad all the time when you look at them etc and this would affect your day - in that case it is better to clear the air.

[murraysmum]

my ds only ever bathed with me or in the shower with me as well its a bonding time the first time he had a bath with my mum i think he was a year old and he got in with her while she was having one lol so it wasnt like she wanted him in there my sister has had showers with ds but that was after we went swimming and it was a saftey reason cause we didnt want to leave the pram unsupervised

but my dp is the same even dsd baths on her own and not with muz this bub will have a baby bath showers with dp and me maybe muz and thats that

hun ild be mad beyond words if any of my family took naked photos of themselves in the bath with my child and without consent is even worse

ive taken bath photos and shower ones but everything is covered

maybe write her a letter stating how you feel and what she did is wrong on quite a few levels

[squidipa]

Thanks everyone, you're making me feel less like a paranoid Mum! Next stumbling block is - we are getting married this Saturday, and my fiance doesn't want me to say anything until after the wedding so we don't upset his Mum too much and create tension (especially considering we live with them).... should I wait, or address it now straight after it happened?

ild wait but i would be pointing out you were politely waiting as you felt the wedding was enough stress for all involved and that your waiting has no effect on the impact nor emotional upset and feelings you felt or do feel now.

[LionsandBears]

There's a couple of issues you've brought up that suggest your in law's do not respect you. It's not just the illicit baths - which are wrong, they know it's wrong and they do it anyway - it's also the snide comments about your parenting skills. It's your choice how you raise your child. OK, they may have more experience, but that's about offering advice if it's required, not undermining what you're doing.

How long do you have to live with for? Are there other options until the house is built?

They need to get the message loud & clear that you have rules as to how you're raising your child, who has what contact with them and if they don't like it, you'll have to find other arrangements.

And I agree with pp - wait til after the wedding. Then have a sit down chat with them. Make sure your partner is in total agreement with you, or it could create a war. He needs to put you before them.

GL

[MummyNaomi]

Just wanted to say that your MIL makes me so angry - I have a PITA MIL who thinks she is the worlds best parent and its sooo annoying

I would be so angry at the bath AND the deceit about it - there are some real trust issues there

Hope your wedding is fantastic!!

[Winter]

I wouldn't wait, I would tell her, politely but very firmly that your DS is NOT to be bathed with MIL in the bath. I would get the camera with the photos, show her the photos and then ask her, politely & calmly, when this happened and why she did it and why she did it again when she knew you were upset about it. Lots of eye contact, be strong and assertive, but not aggressive.

I think conflict, if handled correctly, can be good to clear the air and set some boundaries.

You are quite within your rights to be a mumma-bear when it comes to your baby. Staying with the ILs does not make you obligated, or beholden to follow their parenting styles. Your DH has to back you up if he is not going to take the lead on this.

[CrazyLady]

Just wanted to say that your MIL makes me so angry - I have a PITA MIL who thinks she is the worlds best parent and its sooo annoying

Likewise, but it helps mine's 3000ks away!

[sas85]

I think it's weird. I mean, my mum has to get in the bath with my nephews because she can't bend over, but she wears swimmers!! DH will stop showering with DD when she becomes 'aware' even because that is just our personal sense of propriety. Her doing it behind your back is also just wrong - I would definately say if it makes you uncomfortable, if it against your sense of propriety and if you don't want it happening again - I wouldn't wait either, it's just a ground rule, not like you're ready to start WW3.

[ClareBear28]

Well the decision was taken out of my hands as to whether to wait.... when I got home this afternoon my fiance had already spoken to his Mum when he had gotten home from work. He said he told her that I was uncomfortable about her bathing with Lachlan and that we didn't want her to do it anymore. Apparently she claimed that she only did it because it was easier.... still doesn't explain why there was such a shroud of secrecy and deceit...oh well it's been said now so I'll put it behind me and hope that it doesn't happen again - because if there is a next time I won't be so nice about it

[Trillian]

And it doesn't explain why they had to take a photo of it either - to me that says that they wanted this to be a memory keepsake for them - not something borne of convenience. I'm really happy that your DF stepped up to the plate and dealt with it himself and while you weren't there - hopefully she listened to him well and good and this never happens again

[Jac]

To be honest, my feeling is that if you don't like/trust/agree with the way they are looking after you DS then I don't know why you would leave him alone in their care. At 3 months of age I hardly left my children with anyone, including my mum who I trust completely, as I think they should be cared for by their parents whenever possible. This is especially so if you don't like how they are being cared for by your inlaws. Your child is your responsibilty, so instead of worrying about it I suggest taking him with you when you go out, then you don't have to be concerned with what they are doing 'behind your back'. That's what I'd do anyway.

[ClareBear28]

Wow Jac - how very insincere of you..... But I guess you're entitled to your opinion. If you are easily offended my suggestion would be that you stop reading this post now.
The longest that I have left my son with his grandparents is 3 hrs, it is far from neglecting him which is the impression you seem to have of me. I don't appreciate your inference that I am 'not looking after my child' by leaving him with his grandparents, just FYI - I don't expect my child to be given a bath when I am out getting groceries for 2hrs - especially when he has already had a bath that morning. Neither do I think that it is constructive for my son to be joined at the hip with me at all times - in fact I think that would be detrimental to my son's ability to form a meaningful relationship with other family members. Sorry if this post has upset you, but really - how did you expect me to respond when you suggest that I am being irresponsible in terms of looking after my child?

[Rouge]

I don't think Jac meant it badly clarebear, and TBH I agree 100%. I barely leave my kids with anyone. And I know plenty of people who don't even let their kids have overnighters with their parents or IL's.

I also wouldn't have left my child with anyone else unless it was absolutely necessary so I think thats what she's saying she wouldn't leave her child with anyone because she thinks they should remain in her care. Not that you are a bad mother for doing otherwise. I know this is a sensitive topic and I think what transpired here is quite awful and icky and I'd be very upset if I were you but please don't think anyone is attacking you, merely just giving their opinions of what they would or would not do.

Sorry for speaking for you Jac, and please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. But this is how I read it because I'm similar. And I have my reasons for being so. And I thought it best to explain before the thread went downhill

[tiffanny]

Jac I tend to agree with you, you have a good point.

I've read the post again ( I first read it this arvy) and after much thought I don't think it would bother me if my MIL did bathe with DD. She is part of my family now and yes it would be a special thing for her. I don't want to downplay how your MIL has upset you but to me it's just a bath and there will be plenty of time for more.
The"shroud of secrecy" as you called it could have been an after thought if it was a spur of the moment thing. She may have realised after that it could upset you.

But to answer a question in your first post, Yes I remember bathing with my Grandma. Back then though it was more about the precious little hot water we had.
You said your DF doesn't have a problem with it, could that be because it is his mother? Would it bother you as much if it was your own mother? (just curious)
My DD has bathed with my mum and dad separately but both have been present in the bathroom. I can remember bathing with my father when my sister and I were little- we used to fight over who was going to wash his back. So I guess to me it's not such a big deal, sorry if my post possibly upset you but IMHO FOR ME it wouldn't be a huge problem.

[Winter]

Its really hard isn't Clare? Sometimes you do just need a break from the baby, even if it is to pop to the shops. I never left my baby, only because there was no-one to leave her with, my family is far away from me, and breast-feeding and other reasons but...if I had my mum /mil near me, yep! I would have popped to the shops too.

Going to the shops does not equate with permission to bath with your child. I think the responses of "don't leave your baby" are not very fair, it takes a village to raise a baby, and Clare was looking for some advice about boundaries within her village.