ARG.. Why is everybody still so into the babywise book?!
I was unaware it had different names, just realised this today, and one of my newish friends lent me 'along the infant way' when Harlee was just born, I read half of it, and found it to more to be a book on how to ignore your child. It was horrible, so I said to her that its not really for us. It is the only book she read and she sticks to it like it is the bible. There is another friend with a 1yo son and she has got her to read it too.
We are only new friends though so I would not want to challenge her on anything because for some reason I feel inferiour to her as she has 3 kids and is 8 yrs older than me. But now whenever we discuss baby stuff she refers to the book, like how babies are meant to have only 2 hours wake time at 6 months?
And Then the other day I overheard the sister in law saying she made bil watch the babywise dvd, like its hard facts on what you do! This is their first child and they have 8 weeks to go.I hate to interveen, but I want to do something about it, warn them.I was thinking of buying some books for her that talk about the same stuff, but what? But is it really neccesary? And should I just let them do what they want, not that I could/would stop them, as I have the same issue with mil bossing me around grrr.
It's very hard when you see people parenting in a way that is different to how you would parent. It's also hard to bite your tongue, or know what, or when to say something.
Rather than buying books for your SIL, perhaps mention in conversation books or resources that you have found useful. I've mentioned the Science of Parenting, and Pinky McKay's books, the Wonder Weeks, and a few other "gentle" books in conversation with other parents, but in a non-direct way, iykwim? I've found that 99% of the time, most people are not interested in my views on parenting any more than I am interested in theirs (not speaking of BB ladies, of course), so trying to force-feed them books and information that is not welcome doesn't get me very far.
You could always mention how much you love BellyBelly and hope your SIL signs up...if you want her around, that is
It's hard isn't it? I hate it when people butt in and comment on my own parenting, but if anyone I knew came into contact with babywise, I'd find it extremely difficult to not say something.
Perhaps you could get a book or two (Pinky McKay has a new one just out) and leave it up to her whether she reads it or not. At least you've offered a different perspective than babywise. You could also point out that babies are all different and there is not one routine to fit all.
I know. I don't get it either. Just so you are prewarned - Ezzo (the author of babywise) uses a few different titles, some to distinguish between his 'Christian' parenting program and Babywise is the secular version where all the 'Christian' stuff is removed. His most well known program around churches is 'Growing Kids God's Way'. The infant one also goes under the name 'Preparation for Parenting'. Anyway ...
I have a few friends that use it and I don't really like it. Everything is so rigid. As much as I disagree with the fact that he is allowed to publish rubbish like that (and as a Christian I do take exception to his outlandish claim that it is 'God's way' but that is a whole other thread) and it is so medically unsound, but I am torn also between respecting the right of my friends to parent how they see fit. I don't like that the information in his book is preached and passed around at all and that people think it is wonderful.
Do you know the honest reason that I think most people go along with it - they are scared. His book pretty much promises that unless you do these things to your baby/toddler/child and discipline them and not let up that they will grow up to be rebellious terrors. I think the people that use the book are trying really hard to find the magic formula that means that their kids won't get into trouble and they will be able to have great 'relationships' with them as teenagers. Their idea of a relationship with their child and mine, tend to be a little different. They want kids who will obey their words because to them that is what makes them good parents (I am not saying that in a judgemental way - if people want that, then each to their own).
I want kids that are emotionally intelligent and aware and are able to express their feelings and emotions so that they can acheive what they want in life. I don't feel this program is at all useful for creating kids that are emotionally aware and in fact, treats certain emotions as 'wrong' or 'sinful'. I think all emotions should be embraced and understood and expressed appropriately. I think this is how you create empathy for others as well. I think by denying certain emotions, kids become frustrated and repressed. They often can't understand how others feel because they don't understand it when they feel it.
The whole Ezzo thing is maddening really. If people want to use it, then each to their own but I hate the culture of pushing it onto other people. I also hate the attitude that Ezzo's way is the only way and that anyone not using it is wrong. I am confident about what I am doing (which is conscious parenting) but I still find myself doubting whether I am doing the right thing when someone starts going on at me about Ezzo because everything I do is so opposite to Ezzo and Ezzo sounds like an expert when he says that doing these things will create issues. I have to remind myself that while he talks with a lot of authority on the subject, he is just full of crap and he is using scare tactics but has no basis for backing up what he says.
I read just about every baby/parenting book under the sun prior to DD's arrival, I thought I was all prepared and ready to face anything ... once she arrived and made it clear she was her own little person and didn't fit a pattern/routine, most of the books went out the window.
We had to find what worked for us.
Nowadays I find I borrow parenting advice in snippets, a little from one book, advice from a friend and maybe another idea from someone else's book.
No one book has all the answers and well, some are just plain rubbish but you have to try it out for yourself.
You do have to respect other parenting techniques though - even if they are in direct opposition to your own.
It is everyone's right to raise their child, and if the books by Ezzo are so tremendously popluar then the techniques must work for some types of parents.
I personally hate these types of parenting books, well all of them really, unless its comically done like the UTD book by Kaz whatshername.
I DID however really like the WOnderWeeks book. I wouldn't say its a parenting book, I just know that whenever DD seems to be a real turd I'd go to the book and yep sure enough we'd be smack in the middle of a wonder week. It did little to offer real help but I found that just knowing what was happening to her to help cause the behaviour was such a comfort.
I think someone else also suggested it, but I'd buy them another book one that is more of a gentle parenting one and slip it in as a present along with something else.
You never know, just because people think a certain way BEFORE a baby comes doesn't mean they will think the same way afterwards.
Mmm tough situation.
I haven't heard of this book, but if it teaches to ignore your bin then it doesn't sound very nice. I can't bare to let my little girl cry, I give her cuddles every time she does. She's so little & I think babies only cry because they need something, food, nappy change, comfort. Babies can't be spoilt before 6 months apparently!
Thanks everyone. Is such a tough situation because is hate to see her do some of those things to her newborn
I was going over the ezzo info website and posted it on facebook, sil is not on facebook, but her best friend is, and I'm putty sure that age suggested the book to sil, she jumped in first and said the book is great and its worked really well for all her family, but I had some very special people back me up and let her know the dangers of it without undermining her parenting.
I still however have a friend down the road that use the book religiously, it us scary, and I've got to start sticking up for myself when she tells me its wrong some if the things I do because it's'not in the book'
Xx
A friend gave it to me too and I didn't like it at all, plus I did some reading on here and found that there are reasons why it didn't sit right. There was a massive thread Kelly posted but it seems to have been lost in the crossover, but there is THIS website that discusses some of the controversy around it including the fact that his church kicked him out because of his views. It is really difficult when people are so determined but you could post the links with a message like, oh I was doing some research and found this and leave it at that. xoxo
It's not really a case of parents 'choosing' to parent how they want, most of the time that people follow Ezzo's ridiculously unqualified and epmpirically unsound 'advice', it is the first book they've received, or the only time someone has endorsed something for parenting, OR it gets endorsed with promises that it will be easier for them. This last bit is the insidious bit, because it plants in the mind that parenting a baby SHOULD actually be easy for parents and that the baby has to learn to make it easy for them, instead of the other way around! It sets up very unrealistic expectations, and, when the baby fails to produce these results, a lot of disappointment.
For now, all I can think of for intervention, is to read up on Pinky, get Sharon Heller's book The Vital Touch, read some Robin Grille, so that when you are with them and they spout off something that sounds convenient and you know, backed by these real facts, isn't true, you can say "oh, really? Lots of research into child development really proves the opposite. Did Ezzo say what year his research is, just cos it might be a little out of date, like some other breastfeeding advice is" - in a realy friendly way, so that if they actually want to know what his credentials are, they will quickly find that he has none. When you mention an author who actually makes sense, see if you can slip in THEIR credentials, while you're at it
I reckon it's better to plant the seed of knowledge and end up looking like a science geek, than nodding along to this dangerous stuff.
Using Ezzo is not really a true, informed choice on parenting styles. IMO
Why are people sobssessed overthis?
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