Your home days, rhythms and routines......

[Beach Mama]

Been thinking about this a bit lately. It is amazing how crazy life gets once kinder starts and I have realised that during the school term we don't have one full day at home during the week. As much as I really found it hard when I had full weeks at home, now I miss them. I only work 2 days a week and being a teacher it means that we thankfully will have 2 weeks with me home and no swimming or kinder. So we will have 2 days home with nothing on and one where we go to MG.

I know lots of mums find it hard to stay at home all day long and I do too but I have realised how much more settled my kids are when we do have big chunks just at home. Makes sense really, J is still so young and racing around shops etc. for what I need to do doesn't fit in with the needs of a toddler!

I strongly believe kids need rhythms and routines in their day to feel content, happy and safe and am trying to find that balance between going out in order for ME to feel like I'm not house-bound and going nuts, to the needs of these 2 little ones as well.

Have read a few blog posts on this recently that really resonated with me as well and made me think. I also need to pull back on computer time when I am at home, for a multitude of reasons.

Anyway I guess I am just wondering how many full "at home" days people have (other than maybe a quick dash to the shops, a full day at home) and how you balance your needs of not, dare I say it, getting bored at times, with what the kids need.

ETA: I found the blog post - a bit long but interesting read!!

But When I Stay Home…..Everything Falls Apart!”
April 15, 2009 by Carrie
I have heard lots of reasons why it is difficult to stay home from mothers with children under the age of 7. “When we stay home, all my older kids do is fight.” “My kids are bored and don’t know what to do.” “The nursling whom I am trying to wean just wants to nurse and if we are out he doesn’t nurse at all!” “My oldest just seems to need to do something more!” “I will go nuts if I stay home every day!”

As you can see, many mothers have a hard time being in their own homes. Some mothers insist their children have a hard time being home as well, but I often wonder if the children are just reflecting the discontent their mothers feel.

It is hard work to be home sometimes. It is hard to not be on the computer, to not turn on the TV, to be present in working with our hands and to be a warm presence for our children. It is hard to listen to children fight and know when to step in and when to not step in. It is hard to distract an older nursling and set a gentle, loving limit that right now is not a nursing time, but in a little bit it will be time and here is a snack for right now. It is hard to set limits in general, it is hard to get out of bed, it is hard to make dinner every day and it is hard to muster up the energy to get everyone ready for bed after a long day.

Did I cover it all?

The challenges, however, do not negate the fact that the best place for a child under the age of 7 to be is HOME. If we can help a child under the age of 7 be happy in the home environment, to be creative at home, to learn to understand that feeling of not knowing what to do and then finding something to do, we provide that child a great service indeed. These are the children that grow up with strong creativity, strong problem-solving skills, and the ability to be happy by themselves. These are remarkable and sought-after skills in this age of teenage depression and boredom.

Your child under the age of 7 does not need a myriad of play dates, field trips, and trips to the store. You may disagree, but if your oldest is right now 4 , you will see a large difference in patience, comprehension, understanding and memory when you go to places when they are 7 or 8. Many times your 7 or 8 year old will not even remember your trip to the zoo when they were 4! They may, but they may not. It doesn’t mean we don’t ever go places as family, but it does mean we look carefully at IMAX movies at the museum for a four year old, at going to a crowded zoo on the weekend when they child is usually home napping, and we look at the long car rides and other things that are involved in these activities for the young child. Remember, what your child really needs is a strong home rhythm, a strong loving presence of a parent, enough sleep and healthy food and outside time, and walks around the neighborhood.

Mothers say: What about socialization for my 3-6 year old? Everyone knows this is a prime time when they need friends! hat may be true, and some children are more social than others, but sometimes I feel WE as parents drive this need ourselves more than it initially comes from the children themselves. (and then the children hear US talk about how they need friends and then they really NEED friends, you know?) If you read any traditional childhood development books, they talk about how three, four and six are often rough ages for getting along with other children. This does not mean that we don’t ever have play dates – but it might mean we consider a play date that is one on one with a planned activity to start the play date as opposed to a “just go play” kind of thing. It does mean that perhaps we look at our group activities more closely and evaluate are they really needed and who needs them – us as the parents or our children? It may also mean that we need to consider our OWN needs as adults and parents – could I get together with another homeschooling mother WITHOUT our children for lunch or tea and talk and finish sentences and get support that way without involving my children in my own need?

Having children under the age of 7 may also mean evaluating the need for classes. There has been entire build-up of business and marketing to the under 7 child and parent dyad in our country. In past generations, many mothers did not even have transportation to attend anything while their husbands were at work, so there was no chance for activities geared solely toward children. I am not saying we want to return to this, but I am saying we do not know the long-reaching effects of all this stimulation on the under-7 child. Were these classes and activities truly started with the benefit of the under 7 child in mind or to make money? Would going outside and being in nature and doing arts and crafts at home and singing at home be just as good, if not better, than all these classes?

I feel many mothers turn to these activities to 1- meet other mothers who also stay at home, since in their neighborhood they may be the ONLY ones at home and 2- they do not feel confident in their own abilities to do these sorts of activities at home with their small children. It is ironic in an age of more and more information, ideas via the Internet and books that mothers feel LESS confident and not more confident, isn’t it?

As far as finding other mothers who stay at home and who are interested in homeschooling, La Leche League meetings, especially the daytime meetings do often have mothers who are stay at home mothers (especially if these are Toddler Meetings held during the day). Attachment Parenting International Support meetings also tend to have stay at home mothers there. These organizations also support working mothers as well, but there tend to be stay at home mothers as well. Post natal yoga classes may put you in touch with other stay at home mothers. Once you have a few friends that stay at home it may blossom from there.

I am here to encourage you completely that you can do this! You can create a stronger rhythm at home. Start with your daily rhythm with a lot of outside activity and then look at your weekly rhythm – can you bring in activities on certain days? Look at the festivals for that month – May is coming and and bringing with it May Day, Ascension and Whitsunday. Perhaps these are festivals you would like to celebrate in your own family that you could take time to prepare for. Depending upon your religion, perhaps there are other festivals you could celebrate in place of these festivals or add to these. Start a bit of planning now – ten minutes a day after your kids go to bed or before your kids get up. It can happen!

The more you are at home, the more you will like being at home. You will have time to create and dream and so will your children. Take it from a Former Queen of Going and Doing, it can happen!

Make your home a warm, joyful place to be and your kids will enjoy it too,

[Muffy]

I try and spend sunday at home as I work and study during the week..

[Fleur]

I get what you're saying. With my younger children, I was at home 5 days a week - with no car, only public transport - we walked to do the groceries once a week & the park sometimes. Mostly we were at home & it drove me nuts.
These days, I work three days a week and the other two usually involve visiting people or doing grocery shopping or some other kind of running around. I very rarely get a full day at home & I treasure them.

As for the kids... I guess how much routine / stimulation they need is down to the individual. Pie does quite well going out a lot, I find if she does have more than two days straight at home she gets antsy. She seems to like the stimulation of being out & about. DS3 was the opposite, would have been quite happy to always be home.

So, we probably have one or two days at home a fortnight, that seems to suit us both very well. Meeting up with friends that have children is good, it gives us both company on our level. The hardest part is probably fitting in her sleep, she sleeps (very roughly) between 11 and 2 so if we're in the car anytime from 10:30 on she will drop off. I do try & work around that, and try to be home later afternoons so she can wind down but that doesn't always happen..

Sorry, that's a bit jumbly, HTH

[Beach Mama]

I get what you saying Fleur! I know what you mean about sleeps though - DS still sleeps for 3-4 hours a day so it is really hard to do anything in the afternoon (actually, impossible) so whatever we do is in the mornings anyway.

[Fleur]

Hmmm.. well in that case I would kind of think that they would adapt to that routine in itself, of going out in the morning & then coming home for the afternoon.

Interesting blog post... not sure if I agree or not. Partly because I am one of those hwo has a really hard time just being at home, but also because I really see Pie as benefiting from getting out - after a few days at home she is cranky pants. Even if it's just a walk to the park, and a swing, it helps.
Is she like that because of me? because she has gotten used to being out & about? Maybe if I had stayed home more with her from the beginning it would be different?
What the auther of that post is saying about home, rings some kind of a bell within me.. but then I also think, if you're a mother who needs to be out a bit more, staying at home isn't necessarily going to help you be the best 'you' for your kids, either. Certainly not in my case.
Really interesting...

[Beach Mama]

Alot of her posts are really interesting like this one. She is a Waldorf homeschooler and has very defined opinions on lots of stuff, but I love reading her posts because it really makes me stop and think and alot of the time, change some small aspect of what I do as a parent, usually for the better!!

I agree that your routine may include going out, and the kids get used to that and we all do what we need to do to get through each day.

I think in some ways alot of her focus is on the rounds of constant activity that some kids have from music lessons, sport lessons, academic school readiness programs etc. that fill each and every day before they even start school! I loved the thread Onyx started a while back about slow parenting - might have to see if I can dig them up.

[Indi]

Have to be honest at our current stage we just move through each day. Bedtimes vary as do sleep times and we try to face each challenge as it comes. If boredom creeps up with go out to play, draw, make cubbies or cook. Some day are just busy with shopping if visits. Things like meals are more routine as we just seem to have fallen into place with them. As DS 1 has gotten older we have noticed that more structure just seems to happen in our day.

[fionas]

If I had the sort of 3-year-old who would happily play with her dolls, do crafts, sit down and look at a book, go outside and play on her swings/slides or help me (in a kiddy way) with housework or just SLOW DOWN for two minutes, I'd be home more often. But DD1 won't do any of those things unless I do them with her and I simply can't play with her ALL DAY because I need to get other stuff done. The only way I can get stuff done is to put on the TV and I hate doing it.

So we go out. Often it's a trip to the playground or we go to the library, do grocery shopping or have a babycinno. If it's just me and DD1 we often walk into town, which is a 3km round trip as I see that as good exercise for her. The only set activity we have is on Fridays when she does swimming. Though I'll probably try to make story time at the library on Wednesdays a regular thing too. I prefer to go out mid-late morning and come back mid-late afternoon.

Basically, if we've been out, I feel less guilty about switching the TV on when I get home so I can get some housework done or dinner started.

[belfie]

Really good question Tan. I've been thinking about this too recently, as improving Annika's sleep came at the cost of spending a lot more time at home. I look at what he does at his FDC days, and I feel he could benefit from more of a sense of structure & routine on our home days. It's late & I'm stuffed, but I'll post this to remind me to come back to it!

[wysiwyg]

How often do we have a full day at home? Never.

Some points in the article I agree with, I am not one for lots of scheduled activities but I am not a believer in staying at home either.

This point is probably true

"but I often wonder if the children are just reflecting the discontent their mothers feel"

Children do reflect their parents feelings, and are also quite likely to be like there parents, and if you are the sort of person who gets cabin fever from staying in all day, then to me it follows that your child might be too (far better to embrace it than try and fight your natural instinct). When we go out it isn't to the shops (I hate shopping) and I don't feel the need to necessarily meet up with other people - I just like to get out. Living in a flat with no garden also means I think it is necessary for DD that we do, to the park, to the library, into the city but we do it all slowly - we go on public transport so the time spent getting there can be taken up with games and songs etc, often we just wander about with no specific purpose and DD finds ways to entertain herself and discover the world (e.g. Friday we were in the city on Southbank was a lovely day, she just wanders along climbs steps, goes round and round and round bicycle racks till she gets dizzy etc).

I am also though not a believer in routine, because I am not a routine person, and I also believe that it is important to be able to cope with change and I am not convinced that too much structure is a great thing (is the over emphasis on routine with children creating adults that are less adaptable to change?) - again though for some children routine will be necessary for both them and their parents, and also in the adult population there is the need for very routine people as well as people who most comfortable with a dynamic environment, but I think children are more adaptable to change than often given credit for. We haven't needed a routine with DD so that has given a lot of flexibility in terms of if we are out and about we don't need to rush around. Who knows what DS will be like - might require a totally different approach but unless things are not working I intend to try and do the same.

[KatieRabbit]

Full days at home- 3 between Mon and Fri
Other two- playgroup and kindygym in the mornings.
I love rhythm and routine and our days go really well. We have a weekly timetable yet I am a fulltime SAHM and I really recognize the need for children to be grounded in the home and see the value of it. Therefore I spend time and energy making and keeping our home beautiful and a joyful place to be in. I think that a solid homelife sets the child for life and provides much connection with parents and siblings.
I have to say I am NEVER bored at home due to the rhythm of the day (so I am never lost for what to do) and I have many of my own interests based in the home (crafts, sewing, felting, reading, gardening, cooking etc) I spend lots of time with my hobbies at home and my chn (1.5 and 3.5) happily play (mostly) either with me while I do my stuff or alongside me doing their own thing.
This hasn’t happened overnight nor are my children different to anyone elses but having a structure to our day has helped make this happen. My children do their work (play) while I do mine (look after the children, house and my own interests).

Our day goes like this:
7am
Waking
Breakfast
Dressing
Dishes and kitchen
Beds

10.30am
Morning tea
Outside time
***Housework

12.30am
Lunch
Quiet/rest time
***Activity

3pm
Afternoon tea
Outside time

5.30pm
Bath
Dinner
Play/stories and milk
Bed

***alternates each day of the week. ie Housework involves either washing, toy sort out/clean up, outside sweeping/tidying, ironing and vacuum and mopping (one only a day). The activities are (one a day) reading/puzzles, craft, painting and baking.
While the chn are resting and outside I do my own thing- scrapbooking, reading, on the computer, the phone etc so I really feel like I have a life besides doing housework and I never feel stuck at home. Our structure is also flexible to allow friends visits, shopping, library etc

[Yeddi]

I have to agree with this:

It is ironic in an age of more and more information, ideas via the Internet and books that mothers feel LESS confident and not more confident, isn’t it?

We also do Waldolf homeschooling part-time. My DD attends school for two hours a day and we make this fit in with our daily rhythm. As I said in the Steiner school thread, Waldolf is ALL about rhythm and there is something really beautiful about finding your rhythm. In this day and age, however, it's not always easy, but well worth the pay off.

A big part of rhythm is what is called "circle time". In essence this could be called a focussed activity, where you put time aside to spend with your children and aren't worrying about what chores you need to do, or where you have to go, and aren't doing things where you expect them to join you. We have found that if we do circle time first thing after breakfast, then I don't have to spend my day entertaining my children because I've filled their little emotional tanks by giving them my one-on-one focused and undivided attention. Afterwards I go and do my chores and they join me for a time and then spend the rest in free play. My older one has chores she can do by herself - like feeding the chickens and collecting the eggs, and DS follows me around watching - he particularly likes sitting in the laundry basket while I hang the washing.

If you want to follow a more Waldolf lifestyle, you can certainly add going out to your daily rhythm, but you would have to make sure you had time in your day where you spend time with your children rather than having them spend it with you ITMS.

[Beach Mama]

Thanks KatieRabbit and Yeddi - I guess that is where I want to be headed. I want to have more of a routine on the rare days I am home with them and a circle time/activity scheduled in sounds great. I often do things around the kids and they do things around me while I am doing housework and I am lucky that they are independent and love to play with each other but I need to spend more time sitting with them while we do things together I think.

[wysiwyg]

If you want to follow a more Waldolf lifestyle, you can certainly add going out to your daily rhythm, but you would have to make sure you had time in your day where you spend time with your children rather than having them spend it with you ITMS.

I think you highlight the point Yeddi better than the main article - is about spending time with your children doing something they want to do, and this can be inside or outside of the home.

[Heaven]

Just reading this thread again. I think I need more of a routine at home. We have the same times for meals and sleeps every day but I think I need more routine for what we do in between otherwise it's hard for me to stay motivated! But we do spend the majority of our days at home. We only go to swimming once a week and ABA and then occasionally I'll meet up with a friend for a play if they have kids or just morning tea or something if they don't. I am a big believer in not having lots of scheduled activities for kids outside the home. I think DD can learn a lot more from free play outside. I think she's really benefited from being home a lot so far in that she's never bored, she's awesome at entertaining herself and has a fabulous imagination.

[Heaven]

Oh, and I found the Slow parenting thread: https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...renting-64188/