Am I making it worse? (Warning - long!!)

**Arimeh** · March 20th, 2008, 09:38 AM

Hey, just after some advice about my 14 month old. He is very clingy (I have written a thread about it a couple of weeks ago) so to save my arms from dying under his 11kg weight, I went and brought a Bubba Moe sling. Which is great, can't fault it. I tried vaccing the carpets this morning, with DS just on the carpet, but nope wasn't good enough - he had to be picked up and held. So I put him in the sling and just did the vaccing with him on my back. All went well, not a peep out of him.
I know that he's not showing any signs of being independent, always wants me to be with him, near him, playing with his toys with him, I just can't get up and leave the room and leave him alone, or else he screams the house down and starts crying. Day care is aware of the "problem" and are working with him to try and make him more independent, so he can happily play by himself.
So, my question is for experienced mothers who have gone through this, am I making it worse by strapping him on my back whilst I do things around the house, and sitting down and playing with him? Would it be better if I ignored him when he screamed and he would get the idea that he has to play by himself (not sure I'm totally comfortable with that idea though).
I'm after a bit of advice because I'm pretty clueless at the moment how to deal with him. Oh, and also, is it just a phase he is going through (cos its been going several months). He is also starting to reject his father, and only want me picking him up or cuddling him. I think this hurts DH a little, and he feels bad because I'm the one getting hounded all the time!!!!
Any help would be muchly appreciated!!
Thanks in advance

**{sarah}** · March 20th, 2008, 09:49 AM

We went through this as well & now when Aaron is home I get "no daddy do it" and I'm not allowed to do anything!!

I really don't like te thought of my son crying & getting that upset so I personally wouldn't let him scream. Is he walking yet? Can he follow you round the house while you do things or is mobility an issue at the moment, because that might be affecting him. Maybe when you leave the room keep talking to him - "Mummy's just going to the kitchen to put the kettle on. I won't be very long, see you can still hear mummy, so I can hear you too...." Just so he is aware that out of sight doesn't necessarily mean gone completely. When you come back make a big deal - "seee mummy only went to the kitchen etc etc"

Maybe try sitting on the floor with him & read a book or magazine while he plays next to you, that way he has the closeness but you're not actually playing *with* him.

**Arimeh** · March 20th, 2008, 09:53 AM

He's not walking yet, took 3 steps unaided yesterday day care told me, but hasn't attempted it here, prefers to crawl. I've tried the magazine on the floor next to him, and he just climbs all over me and squarks in my ear. *sigh*
Oh and I do talk when I go out of the room, but I don't think he can hear me over his own screams

**Pretty Butterfly** · March 20th, 2008, 09:54 AM

All little boys go through a "mummy" stage, and i think this is what he is doing. He is aware that there a whole big place out there now, and he is safest with mum. He will go forth a happy little camper in time, if he has mums security. I beleive you are doing the right thing. A content, safe, child will eventually venture off, he wont stay stuck to you forever!! And get ready for when dad becomes the main sorce of security and comfort, your heart will break!!

But he will always come back to mum!!

A child cant be spoilt with security, love and play time!!! It can be hard and frustrating, (carting your toddler to the loo with you etc ,

) but he'll grow out of it....eventually....

**Arimeh** · March 20th, 2008, 09:57 AM

I'm hoping that he will grow out of it. For some reason, I don't really want my son watching me do a pee when he's 15!!!

So do you think that if I continue to carry him around he will become more secure and then will become more independent that way?

**Pretty Butterfly** · March 20th, 2008, 10:02 AM

I believe so. He will soon learn he is missing out by being stuck with you. Toys and books and other kids having fun will make him wanna join in!!! He will find his little legs and start running away from you!!! But all with the security that he knows your there for him, if need be. He will become independent in his own time, and some children want it a little later, and thats ok too!!! The best we can do is love and care for our little ones, and let them discover the world at thier own pace.... JMO!!!

**Arimeh** · March 20th, 2008, 10:14 AM

Ok, I'll keep doing that then.
I take your opinion very seriously!! You are obviously an experienced mother, and a loving and caring one at that!!

Matryoshka · March 20th, 2008, 10:24 AM

No way Mel! i think you need to support him through this and the sling is a great idea. My DS is extremely attached, i have written many a thread about this myself. I have not been away from him for more than a couple of hours and he's 20 months. I have beat myself up wondering if i caused this by never allowing him to cry, and always being there when he needs me. But the proof is in the pudding - slowly but surely he is becoming more and more independant, so i am sure it is a personality thing and when age appropriate they will slowly begin to venture off on their own. The walking is a big thing too, before my DS could walk he would become quite distressed as he couldn't follow me. Once he could walk he was much happier!

I really suggest you read a book called "The Continuum Concept", it is about a tribe of native Indians living in the Amazon who carry their baby 24/7 until the crawling stage - this creates a sense of confidence in the babies as they are immersed in the every day workings of the mothers life, as opposed to being put down and feeling isolated.

I do believe that some babies just need to be close to their mothers until they are ready to break away and become more adventurous. I was told so many times to socialise my DS more, to leave him more etc, but it didn't feel right in my heart. And i'm glad i haven't because he is so much more confident now and i can see its something he needed to do on his own. Even friends i only see every few months comment whenever i see them how much more independant he has gotten. Last time i saw them he went off playing with the little girl in to another room etc, whereas months ago he would never leave my side. SO they do do it when they are ready.

I think what you're doing sounds great, continue following his need and supporting him as he needs it

**Lulu** · March 20th, 2008, 10:28 AM

I can't say anymore than has always been written. I totally agree with what everyone has said...

**Arimeh** · March 20th, 2008, 10:55 AM

Thanks B. I've read a bit of your thread about that concept, and although it may appeal to some, doesn't really fit in with what we would do as parents - mainly the co-sleeping part. But thanks anyway!!!!

Lulu - thanks

Matryoshka · March 20th, 2008, 11:02 AM

Yeah i see, i just meant that you shouldn't feel guilty or question carrying him because its a very natural thing to do and does not hinder their independance or development

**Arimeh** · March 20th, 2008, 11:06 AM

I think its mainly because DH doesn't like to carry him around, thinks it will make him too clingy and less independent? So it would be interesting to know if a kid's independence is derived from whether or not they were carried around a lot as a baby/toddler or if its just their personality?? I mean, I'd like to know if I made DS this way because we didn't carry him around all the time as a baby, which he never seemed to mind anyway, not like we didn't pick him up at all, just usually didn't really need to as much. Now.. its all the time.
Its really hard to know what is the best for babies/toddlers because there is soo much information out there, and so many different opinions, that you always question what you are doing!!!!

Matryoshka · March 20th, 2008, 11:23 AM

It definately comes down to a lot more than whether they were or are carried a lot. I think confidence comes from the security of having their needs met, consistency and stability. Just do what feels right and try to zone out when people start giving their unsolicited opinions, you're the only expert on your child

**tiggerandpooh** · March 20th, 2008, 11:27 AM

my son Nathan didn't walk until he was 15mths old, and until then I couldn't walk out of the room without him disolving into a mess... I would wear him on my back in a back pack to do most thing - cooking dinner, vacumming, anything! when my back needed a break the jolly jumper was great - he would go off listening to shania twain ( he cringes now when I tell him that lol)

I did find that once he was walking he did start to strike out on his own, discovering the world. so much so on more then one occasion contribution to the development of gray hairs because he decided to go adventuring....

Hang in there hun. Do what works for you. I don't think not carrying your son around as an infant will have contributed to how he is now - its just who he is right now... I know it must be hard being pregnant as well, baby bump in the front, little man on the back...

on a completely different topic - we never did catch up... lol

**Arimeh** · March 20th, 2008, 02:50 PM

Thanks Vicky, makes me feel better knowing that other kids are doing it too!!!!! DS will probably be walking in another month (or two!!!) so hopefully I don't have to carry him around much longer, cos my belly is only going to get bigger!!!

And yes, we never did catch up. But willing to if you want to!! Your youngest isn't too much older than my little monster...

**Ginger** · March 20th, 2008, 02:55 PM

mel- another book you might be interested in reading is 'the science of parenting' by margot sunderland.
there's a thread about it somewhere.
btw, you are definitely not making it worse imo

**tiggerandpooh** · March 20th, 2008, 05:37 PM

i cant remember which end of the coast you are at... let me know and we can organise something after easter. i try to get out at least three times a week with aston... the change of scenery does us both the world of good.