Helping DD deal with a bully

[Just Me]

So, his parents don't care what he does, he deliberately hurts kids and seems to get a kick out of it. To me it sounds like he is either doing it all for his parents attention or he genuinely doesn't know how to play with other kids. He probably doesn't have much attention paid to him at home unless he does something wrong. The same goes with hurting kids, he probably doesn't know how to be a part of the group. If I were you I'd sit with your DD and when he comes near ask him to join in and teach him how you would like him to play with her.

I think this is great advice. I think it is also important to say no to him and for you DD to say to him that she doesn't like some of the things she does (as much as she is able to at her age), but I suspect if you just continuously say no to him without offering any alternative, he will just feel the need to show you that he has power and you can't boss him around which might make him worse. I think if you set up situations where you are able to give him positive attention, he might respond really well.

If he is feeling really deprived for attention, negative attention is better than no attention at all. Some kids would rather do a behaviour and at least get attention in a negative way than to be completely ignored all the time. If his parents only give him attention in a corrective way, his behaviour could be conditioned to doing only things that get him negative attention from adults because he doesn't get any at other times. If you show him that he can have attention from you when he is gentle or just because - like sitting down and having a friendly chat with him about nothing in particular - his behaviour might change dramatically. Sometimes kids like this just want a bit of attention and direction ... not always to be told not to do something, but to be shown how to play. It is possible that his parents have never taught him how to play gently with other kids. You could be doing him a huge favour.

It does suck that your DD is getting hurt, especially when he is so much bigger. I hope you can work out a solution to keep everyone safe

[briggsy's girl]

the advice about positive attention is great - IF you have a situation where you are sitting down doing something. arty stuff or the likes. it doesn't work so well when you've got half a dozen kids running around outside - you either have to take them away from what they want to do, put too much control on their "free play", or become a "helicopter" parent. if they're playing footy or something, then yeah, you can get involved - but when they're climbing up the fort/slide and generally behaving ok, there is no real "need", and it becomes a situation of cramping their play. DD very much noticed that Daddy was hanging around when her and L normally just play... admittedly she seemed to appreciate the protection, but i know that it will be a very minimal amount of time before it cramps her play kwim?

FWIW - i did try and talk to P. i was the only adult outside, he was grabbing some food, so i tried to engage him in conversation. it didn't work. i was talking to each of the kids as they came up on the deck. just asking what they were up to etc. he wasn't interested. i'm not going to push myself on him. DD closes down when people push too hard to engage her so i guess i assume most kids do the same.

[Just Me]

Yeah, that's a tough situation. I don't mind being a helicopter parent if I need to be in order to protect my kids.They are still all small enough. It's not my preferred style, but I do it if I feel that they could be hurt otherwise. But you have to do what you are comfortable doing.

I hope you can work something out. It doesn't sound like a very fun night out for you either if you are worried about your DD the whole time.

[megs]

BG that is a really tough situation. I was wondering if you could talk to your friend about your boundries in discipling the said child. Maybe your friend finds it hard given that it is her nephew and that she doesn't want to overstep her boundries with her brother. But you on the otherhand don't have that family connection.

Honestly if I saw a child doing the things you mentioned I would be tempted to say to him that he has to have time out from playing with the other children (whether he would listen or not is another thing) but I think you are in your right if the parents of the child are not going to step in to say that you don't push, hit, etc smaller children and that he needs to play elsewhere for a period of time until he can play again nicely. I really don't think the parents would say anything and if they didn well really a 4 year old picking on a 2 year old. My boys have been taught to say STOP, with the hand out (think its a standard daycare practice) but I do think that some older children wouldn't respect that especially coming from a younger child.

Good Luck with it all BG, I understand you are wanting E to stand up for herself but I think at 2 and with bigger children there is a really fine line given her understanding and also that fact that she could get seriously hurt.

[briggsy's girl]

planning on having a cat to my friend during the week about it. i know she was furious when he hurt E, but i also understand that she has many issues to consider. she didn't let it "slide" as such - but she didn't give P any singled out attention. when she spoke, she spoke to ALL the kids about doing the right thing. as an outsider, i guess i seen this as a way of not giving him any negative attention to counter the "any attention is attention" thing. i know she doesn't like her son being hurt, and the fact that DD got hurt might be an opening to say something to her brother where it won't come across as "single mummy playing over protective of her son" thing

i dunno

i wish this wasn't something we were having to deal with - she's still a baby. and ultimately, he's not that old - but he is significantly bigger, physically stronger....