DD1 was a c/s, I didn't have her in recovery and then she had her first night in the nursery. I remember panicking at other times waking up and desperately searching for my baby in my bed, well before we coslept. But I did bond with her well, loved her so much and never felt a disconnect with her. And it's only after DD2's birth that I realise the disconnect was in the way we became a family.

DP and I fought right before I was taken down to theatre. We'd been delayed for hours, I was so anxious about the c/s and then I couldn't hold her after her birth like we'd wanted. I told DP I didn't want him there, I was so upset with him. He did come, but it wasn't a great precursor to her birth. After she was delivered, DP and DD1 went off without me while i was in recovery and only a short time after we were reunited DP had to go home. DD1 is then in the nursery alone, I'm in my room alone and DP is at home alone. Our first night as a family. It makes me cry when I think about it now, because now I know what it should have been like.

DP and I struggled with each other and with parenting together after DD1. Maybe this was us and had nothing to do with her birth, but I can't help but think that didn't help. DP did not want to have another child for many years and one of his main reasons was that he was worried about the birth being like DD1's, that we'd fight and he wouldn't be there. DD2's birth has been so healing.

DD2 was born in our home, surrounded by her family. The first person to touch her was me, no one else held her or looked into her eyes before me. Her sister touched her, cut her cord and then her daddy cuddled her. She was never out of my sight. She has never been separated from her family, not once. We were all together for almost a week before DP went back to work. It makes me cry remembering how we welcomed DD2 into our family too, but the tears are for the joy and rightness of the experience this time.

It really made sense to me when I watched the Face of Birth and Hannah Dahlen speaks of the relationships lost from bad birth experiences. It's not that DD1's was bad, it just wasn't good.